Post by GoVoysGo on Nov 5, 2017 0:52:17 GMT -5
These boards will be used for the weekly power rankings. I thought it would be nice to suggest how this league appears to shape up ahead of this upcoming season. I will be posting the weekly power rankings in one part each week. There will be no bottom half first part, also known as the glass half full half, nor the MC Hammer second portion (Too Legit too Quit). If you get offended that is OK we weren't going to spend Christmas together anyways. For the 2016-17 season, I'll be doing the rankings in reverse. I'm not sure if it's supposed to build suspension, or just because writers tend to save the best for last, but I'm going to follow suit. If you don't like it, go fuck yourself.
Lowest teams are listed first. Rank, team name, and record are listed, followed by the weekly report for that team, MVP and LVP, and Reason for hope. I will bring back the colour-coding for team trend this year. That will be demonstrated through the rank number. Green represents an upward trend, orange represents status-quo, and red represents a downward trend.
The grammar will be bad and if you feel the need to point that out please be prepared to make a fist with your right hand and shake it back and forth so you can visualize my response to those complaints.
The Power Rankings are composed based on performance, record, and a glance at the team rosters...........
And finally, please have fun with these as I intend to, and try to ignore the fact that I copied the beginning of Clint J. Gritt's weekly power rankings from the Triple Play Dynasty baseball league.
8 - CAMBRIDGE CASTRATORS (0-4)
This is the YGFHL embodiment of the Vancouver Canucks. Every team has something to like, but this Castrators team itself is something to drink over. Hey, maybe your fans have some friends in Cleveland who like football!
You suck, is my point.
I was able to catch up with owner Derek Ford a few weeks ago. It was nice. We hung out at Isaac's. Actually... that may have been the first night of hockey. It matters not. We hung out.
Some reports out of Cambridge had suggested that Ford might be looking for some new staff, relieving himself of interim duties. It is now clear that there is absolutely no credence to those rumours. Ford told TFHN, "Just label me as coach, GM, and almighty dictator." It's unclear as to why he wants to put all that upon himself, but it appears as though he's doing a fine job in his debut season under all three positions.
Nope, actually all that's clear is that the team itself is absolute dog trash.
Since the last PR, the Castrators have unsurprisingly gone 0-3, losing to teams like Halifax, Hamilton, and Las Vegas. The Cs have scored 809.9 over that span – that's an average of just 270 per week, in a league where the top half scorers average almost 320 every week. But, hey, if getting outscored by 50 every week is your thing, this league might just be for you.
Cambridge has had some pleasant surprises, however. Superstar Mark Scheifele has really come into his own, averaging 8.2 fantasy points per game. Logan Couture (7.1 FPTS) has finally broken out, and could be on the verge of stardom, while Jaden Schwartz (7.2 FPTS) has come out of nowhere to help keep this team afloat. The goaltending power couple of Devan Dubnyk (4.0 FPTS) and John Gibson (4.9 FPTS) has severely underperformed (and so did Brian Elliott before he was let go), as has support winger Nino Niederreiter (2.9 FPTS). Since the first week, Cambridge has been outscored by 150.7 points, just about 50 per week as I predicted one paragraph ago.
Next week (this week), they'll have to deal with Guelph again. Don't expect fanfare and celebration, even with an opponent like the Gryphons.
W2 MVP: Nikolaj Ehlers
W2 LVP: Brian Elliott
W3 MVP: Jaden Schwartz
W3 LVP: Devan Dubnyk
W4 MVP: Ryan Getzlaf
W4 LVP: Brian Elliott
Reason for hope: Maybe you can win the lottery again next year?
7 - GUELPH GRYPHONS (2-2)
That was a solid win against a team that should not be 0-4, but that still isn't enough to overcome your previous three weeks of piss poor play that I suppose could be considered fantasy hockey.
You also suck, is my point.
I won't spend as long on this one. Mostly because your stats aren't as negatively obvious as Cambridge, but that's my right. I don't owe it to anybody. First, we can look at the good stuff. Blake Wheeler has been tearing shit apart with his sterling 8.2 FPTS mark. Andrei Vasilevskiy hasn't crumbled yet as I expect him too, but he's been okay, posting a decent, mildly good, not-half-bad 9.1 FPTS. Shayne Gostisbehere has been scalding hot, scoring 8 per game. Over the last two weeks combined, Guelph has outscored their opponent by 0.4 points, going 1-1 in that span. Considering those two teams were Mars and Hamilton (the third and fourth highest scoring teams this season, respectively), that's really fucking good.
The first two weeks, Guelph got outscored by 24.5 combined points, also going 1-1. Considering the two teams they faced were Halifax and Cambridge (the lowest and second lowest scoring teams this season, respectively), that's really fucking bad. Like, my god. I'm staring at the numbers in shock. As Tory would say, "It's absurd." As Trump would say, "Build a wall."
Nope, that didn't make sense to me either.
Let's let the bad news continue. Special draftee Anders Bjork hasn't been Bjorking recently, and that shows with his 3.3 average. Tuukka Rask (2.7 FPTS) hasn't just fallen back to earth, the motherfucker has plummeted. Pet project Noah Hanifin (2.0 FPTS) has been atrocious. And oh, good lord, Patrik Laine (3.5 FPTS) is making me cringe.
Next week is... actually, can I drop the act? It's Friday evening at this point. I'm just going to say this week. So, yeah. This week is Cambridge, who surprisingly isn't the lowest scorer. Still, you should be fine. Just don't nosedive this week, and you should be fine.
W2 MVP: Shayne Gostisbehere
W2 LVP: Tuukka Rask
W3 MVP: Andrei Vasilevskiy
W3 LVP: Honestly? Nobody. Nobody did shitty enough to warrant an LVP.
W4 MVP: Blake Wheeler
W4 LVP: Patrik Laine
Reason for hope: You're tied with a playoff spot. There are many weeks left for you to right the ship.
6 - HALIFAX VOYAGEURS (2-2)
Let the record show that I benched, like, a billion points last week due to midterms and just not giving a flying shit. Still, you lost fair and square to a lesser man, and you shall be shamed for it. Would the great Nelson Mandela quote the hardships of being a coloured man when he fought for equality in hockey, paving the way as the first major figure to be called an athlete by Jonathan Bernier? No, he did not! So, quit your cryin', son!
I suck, is my point.
In a move that was hinted last week (bitch, you think the most recent PR was last week? Dumbfuck, get your head out of your ass!), Halifax has fired coach Glen Gluten-Free, and so begins the age-old practice of finding a new... oh shit, he just hired Ben Mitchflock. That was fast! Damn.
I've got some bad news: you have the fewest points for. Yup, you are the lowest scorer through the first 20% of the season. I don't even care that you benched, like, 80 points this week. I'm not counting it. That shit happens, and it happens because you're a turd. So, that's on you, fucker. Read it and weep, cunt.
I'm hoping that all this aggressive hostility towards myself will send some good karma my way. Y'know, instead of just taking it all out on Isaac and the worst team (oh, hey Derek), I sprinkle it on them and dump the leftovers on me.
Yo, just stop. It's not working.
The Voys would be absolutely buttfucked if not for Mr. Flow himself, Erik Karlsson. The man immediately stepped in, and fucked shit up to the tune of 8.7 per game. Ah, shit, I lost the game. Three pickups have made a powerful impact too; Dusty Brown, Brayden Point, and Mikhail Sergyachev have all been unstoppable. See, at this point I've gotten too lazy to list their totals. Just look them up yourself if you really care.
Patrick Sharp and Rick Nash are both shooting under 2, and Oliver Ekman-Larsson has struggled mightily so far. The San Jose Sharks players, of which Halifax is so reliant on, have been on a slow burner, and are only just starting to heat up.
Look for Mitchflock to make several big changes, as he settles into his first coaching job since leading the Red Deer Blades to the Max Sky Cup Finals in 2015. He will make his return this week against Grand Rapids – the team his Blades squeaked by in that year's grueling semi-final matchup.
W2 MVP: Mikko Rantanen
W2 LVP: Joe Pavelski
W3 MVP: Mr. Flow
W3 LVP: Brandon Saad
W4 MVP: Mr. Flow
W4 LVP: Ben Bishop
Reason for hope: There really aren't that many good teams, so you might still turn out okay.
5 - MARS MARTIANS (0-4)
A 5th overall ranking might be seen as disrespectful, but in the entirety of my career as a sportswriter, I have never ranked an 0-4 team better than second-worst. Seriously, you're like a modern-day Joan of Arc; the hero everyone needed, but still burned at the stake. You're like Kevin Spacey; lovable, gay, and totally misunderstood for one drunken mishap. You're like Scottie Pippen; you made everyone around you (ie. Michael Jordan), but get no recognition by others for it.
Your record sucks, is my point.
I'd like to point out that I noticed your new logo, and I'm a fan of it. Yeah, I had to update the database (the YGFHL History spreadsheet), but it was well worth it.
Let's catch up with this team, then.
Since that fateful loss to the Adam Stier-run Grand Rapids Goats, Mars has been business. Connor continues to do Connor things, and Nikita Kucherov *drops computer* WHAT SORCERY IS THIS? This is ABSURD, Tory! ABSURD!
The Ms are third overall in scoring, which is amazingly bad luck considering their 0-4 record. They've been outscored by 55.1 points, which is an average of less than 20 per week. That means every loss has been close, and high scoring to boot. The skaters (non-goalies) average 4.98 FPTS, which is partly a shocking explosion of talent but also perhaps a reflection of the overall increase in NHL and YGFHL scoring. I'd have to check all the other teams, and deadlines don't lend to figuring cool things out. I'll do it another time, because I'm actually intrigued now.
A few low points do include the likes of Jonathan Drouin, Jake Guentzel, and pet project Matt Duchene. Last week's 14.1 point loss to Guelph stings, too.
This week, a Week 3 rematch pits the Martians against Vegas once again in a close matchup. No spoilers, but Vegas is losing by 24.7 points.
W2 MVP: Kyle Turris
W2 LVP: Jake Gardiner
W3 MVP: Nikita Kucherov
W3 LVP: Sergei Bobrovksy
W4 MVP: Sergei Bobrovksy
W4 LVP: Jack Eichel
Reason for hope: With this kind of scoring onslaught, your luck is bound to turn. Or, maybe your scoring onslaught is about to turn for worse. Not really hopeful, but I don't actually care.
4 - GRAND RAPIDS GOATS (2-2)
Meh.
Thanks to the re-emergence of Anze Kopitar and Phil Kessel (just go with it) and thanks to the uh, emergence, of Vladdy Namestnikov and Yevgeni Dadonov, Grand Rapids has kept pace with the Super Vipes. Some may say this ranking is a bit low, but I say those people can literally suck my dick. Hopefully, only hot girls think my rankings are whack, but I'll take what I can get, honestly.
I can already feel the slow grind coming, so I'm gonna speed through this. Sorry Stier, but you get little content. Maybe message me once in a while about stuff other than hockey, and I can make this funny.
Since Week Half, Les Purples beat Bangkok in a close matchup, but were blown out by Vegas in Week 2 and decimated to dust by Hamilton last week.
So... yeah. Meh.
Speaking of meh, let's look at Mikael Granlund. The dude is averaging 2.6 FPTS. Milan Lucic is doing outstanding, punching way above his weight with a sparkling 2.8 FPTS. And let's look at Mitch Marn... oh god. Oh, god no.
So, yeah. Next up, you face Superman. But don't worry, because you're made of Kryptonite. You should be fine.
W2 MVP: gotta go with Willy the Butcher
W2 LVP: Antti Raanta
W3 MVP: Vladdy Namestnikov
W3 LVP: Mitchy Marner
W4 MVP: Yevgeni Dadonov
W4 LVP: Corey Crawford
Reason for hope: This is the kind of team that's built to deal with adversity. This isn't the powerhouse it once was, but you can rest easy knowing that the rest of these chucklefucks don't know what they're doing.
Reason for despair: Sharvit and I hurt Ristolainen's feelings. You're screwed.
3 - HAMILTON HUSKIES (4-0)
This could be the lowest I've ever ranked a 4-0 team, but I think we can all agree on why.
It's cause ya suck diiiiiiiiiiick!!!!!
This one (and the rest of them) is also going to be short, because I'm low on time. The Sharvit Squad has done well enough to earn them a 4-0 record, beating one good team and two quarter-good teams in the process. Since returning from injury, Patty Bergy has been fire, sporting a cool 7.1 tally. Huberdeau, Kempe, and Butcher have all been happy surprises, too. But this team has been all Nashville and Dallas, and that's how they will be 'til kingdom come.
How many times do I need to tell you that this strategy does not work? It is becoming infuriating. They will help you, and make you love them, and beat you down when you least expect it. Remember Pittsburgh, last year? How many Max Sky Cups did you win last year? Not 1, that's for sure! Not 2, because that wouldn't have been possible. Remember Washing-tons of Habs and Blues? Yeah, that won Mark ZERO championships... although that's partly because he lost to Hamilton in the semis that year.
So, yeah. You suck and our division sucks, but that's okay because YOLO (ew, it's not 2012 Dan). What sucks even more is that your next opponent is from the World Division, and it happens to be your ORF co-owner Tory Dick's Bangkok Behemoths. Good luck (fuck you).
W2 MVP: Filip Forsberg
W2 LVP: Camothy Talbot
W3 MVP: Patty Bergy
W3 LVP: Max Pacioretty
W4 MVP: Sasha Radulov
W4 LVP: Leon Draisaitl
Reason for hope: I dunno. Fuck you.
2 - BANGKOK BEHEMOTHS (2-2)
This team is better than its 2-2 record, but the locker room attitude is growing cockier by the minute. This is not a fan-friendly team.
I'm also going to keep yours short, because I can and I will.
After this team got homeschooled by Grand Rapids, Bangkok turned up in Halifax, beating the 101 Connection rival at the VIA Rail Stadium by a decent margin. Both coaches were sloppy with their line changes, and as a result both teams missed out on golden opportunities throughout the matchup. One coach was fired, and the other is now on the hot seat. Should owner Tory Dick decide to fire either coach Gay Boucher or GM George McDick, it is unclear who he will choose to tap as the replacement, although it does appear he has been in close counsel with Behemoths International Ambassador Drake on the matter.
The Bs have been reliant on their keepers (as in, Jonathan Toews, Sasha Barkov, and obviously Evander Kane), and have seen very few road bumps (Bryan Rust, Brent Seabrook, and good lord Carey Price). Still, their record sits at a decent 2-2, earning them a first wildcard spot and a projected date with the Hamilton Huskies in round 1. Guess who you're playing this week?
(Just kidding, it's Saturday. You already know who you're facing.)
W2 MVP: Nikky Backstrom
W2 LVP: Carey Price
W3 MVP: Evander Kane
W3 LVP: Carey Price
W4 MVP: John Tavares
W4 LVP: Nikky Backstrom
Reason for hope: You're kind of a Big Baller. But like, a shitty one. Like LaMelo.
1 - LAS VEGAS VIPERS (4-0)
So, like, what is this team?
The top two teams have been heavily keeper reliant, but none more than this team. Alex Ovechkin, Auston Matthews, Taylor Hall, and STEVEN STAMKOS HOLY SHIT WHAT OH MY GOD WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON JEEZUSSS FRICKING FUCK TURDS
Now that that's out of my system, let's do some quick math. Excluding those four, all of Vegas's skaters are averaging 4.80 FPTS, which is actually a lot better than I thought, and totally disproves my point. Still, you're shit.
Your "depth" is coming back down to earth, and by "depth" I mean pickups.
The Super Vipes are the leading scorer by a solid 20 points, but that'll change by the end of the year. Yes, they took out some really good teams in Bangkok, Mars, and Grand Rapids, but they also beat the almighty Castrators! Oooooo! Big man.
This week is gonna be outta this world! As in, they're facing the Martians. Sorry for the late PR, boys. Good luck this week!
W2 MVP: Alex Pietrangelo
W2 LVP: Elite Superstar Oscar Klefbom (he's terrible, man)
W3 MVP: STOP! It's Stammer time!
W3 LVP: Just the fact that you owned Curtis McElhinney is an L
W4 MVP: Jakub Voracek
W4 LVP: Elite Superstar Nikita Zaitsev (also terrible, dude)
Reason for hope: Just never trade Stamkos. He's gonna live forever!
Lowest teams are listed first. Rank, team name, and record are listed, followed by the weekly report for that team, MVP and LVP, and Reason for hope. I will bring back the colour-coding for team trend this year. That will be demonstrated through the rank number. Green represents an upward trend, orange represents status-quo, and red represents a downward trend.
The grammar will be bad and if you feel the need to point that out please be prepared to make a fist with your right hand and shake it back and forth so you can visualize my response to those complaints.
The Power Rankings are composed based on performance, record, and a glance at the team rosters...........
And finally, please have fun with these as I intend to, and try to ignore the fact that I copied the beginning of Clint J. Gritt's weekly power rankings from the Triple Play Dynasty baseball league.
8 - CAMBRIDGE CASTRATORS (0-4)
This is the YGFHL embodiment of the Vancouver Canucks. Every team has something to like, but this Castrators team itself is something to drink over. Hey, maybe your fans have some friends in Cleveland who like football!
You suck, is my point.
I was able to catch up with owner Derek Ford a few weeks ago. It was nice. We hung out at Isaac's. Actually... that may have been the first night of hockey. It matters not. We hung out.
Some reports out of Cambridge had suggested that Ford might be looking for some new staff, relieving himself of interim duties. It is now clear that there is absolutely no credence to those rumours. Ford told TFHN, "Just label me as coach, GM, and almighty dictator." It's unclear as to why he wants to put all that upon himself, but it appears as though he's doing a fine job in his debut season under all three positions.
Nope, actually all that's clear is that the team itself is absolute dog trash.
Since the last PR, the Castrators have unsurprisingly gone 0-3, losing to teams like Halifax, Hamilton, and Las Vegas. The Cs have scored 809.9 over that span – that's an average of just 270 per week, in a league where the top half scorers average almost 320 every week. But, hey, if getting outscored by 50 every week is your thing, this league might just be for you.
Cambridge has had some pleasant surprises, however. Superstar Mark Scheifele has really come into his own, averaging 8.2 fantasy points per game. Logan Couture (7.1 FPTS) has finally broken out, and could be on the verge of stardom, while Jaden Schwartz (7.2 FPTS) has come out of nowhere to help keep this team afloat. The goaltending power couple of Devan Dubnyk (4.0 FPTS) and John Gibson (4.9 FPTS) has severely underperformed (and so did Brian Elliott before he was let go), as has support winger Nino Niederreiter (2.9 FPTS). Since the first week, Cambridge has been outscored by 150.7 points, just about 50 per week as I predicted one paragraph ago.
Next week (this week), they'll have to deal with Guelph again. Don't expect fanfare and celebration, even with an opponent like the Gryphons.
W2 MVP: Nikolaj Ehlers
W2 LVP: Brian Elliott
W3 MVP: Jaden Schwartz
W3 LVP: Devan Dubnyk
W4 MVP: Ryan Getzlaf
W4 LVP: Brian Elliott
Reason for hope: Maybe you can win the lottery again next year?
7 - GUELPH GRYPHONS (2-2)
That was a solid win against a team that should not be 0-4, but that still isn't enough to overcome your previous three weeks of piss poor play that I suppose could be considered fantasy hockey.
You also suck, is my point.
I won't spend as long on this one. Mostly because your stats aren't as negatively obvious as Cambridge, but that's my right. I don't owe it to anybody. First, we can look at the good stuff. Blake Wheeler has been tearing shit apart with his sterling 8.2 FPTS mark. Andrei Vasilevskiy hasn't crumbled yet as I expect him too, but he's been okay, posting a decent, mildly good, not-half-bad 9.1 FPTS. Shayne Gostisbehere has been scalding hot, scoring 8 per game. Over the last two weeks combined, Guelph has outscored their opponent by 0.4 points, going 1-1 in that span. Considering those two teams were Mars and Hamilton (the third and fourth highest scoring teams this season, respectively), that's really fucking good.
The first two weeks, Guelph got outscored by 24.5 combined points, also going 1-1. Considering the two teams they faced were Halifax and Cambridge (the lowest and second lowest scoring teams this season, respectively), that's really fucking bad. Like, my god. I'm staring at the numbers in shock. As Tory would say, "It's absurd." As Trump would say, "Build a wall."
Nope, that didn't make sense to me either.
Let's let the bad news continue. Special draftee Anders Bjork hasn't been Bjorking recently, and that shows with his 3.3 average. Tuukka Rask (2.7 FPTS) hasn't just fallen back to earth, the motherfucker has plummeted. Pet project Noah Hanifin (2.0 FPTS) has been atrocious. And oh, good lord, Patrik Laine (3.5 FPTS) is making me cringe.
Next week is... actually, can I drop the act? It's Friday evening at this point. I'm just going to say this week. So, yeah. This week is Cambridge, who surprisingly isn't the lowest scorer. Still, you should be fine. Just don't nosedive this week, and you should be fine.
W2 MVP: Shayne Gostisbehere
W2 LVP: Tuukka Rask
W3 MVP: Andrei Vasilevskiy
W3 LVP: Honestly? Nobody. Nobody did shitty enough to warrant an LVP.
W4 MVP: Blake Wheeler
W4 LVP: Patrik Laine
Reason for hope: You're tied with a playoff spot. There are many weeks left for you to right the ship.
6 - HALIFAX VOYAGEURS (2-2)
Let the record show that I benched, like, a billion points last week due to midterms and just not giving a flying shit. Still, you lost fair and square to a lesser man, and you shall be shamed for it. Would the great Nelson Mandela quote the hardships of being a coloured man when he fought for equality in hockey, paving the way as the first major figure to be called an athlete by Jonathan Bernier? No, he did not! So, quit your cryin', son!
I suck, is my point.
In a move that was hinted last week (bitch, you think the most recent PR was last week? Dumbfuck, get your head out of your ass!), Halifax has fired coach Glen Gluten-Free, and so begins the age-old practice of finding a new... oh shit, he just hired Ben Mitchflock. That was fast! Damn.
I've got some bad news: you have the fewest points for. Yup, you are the lowest scorer through the first 20% of the season. I don't even care that you benched, like, 80 points this week. I'm not counting it. That shit happens, and it happens because you're a turd. So, that's on you, fucker. Read it and weep, cunt.
I'm hoping that all this aggressive hostility towards myself will send some good karma my way. Y'know, instead of just taking it all out on Isaac and the worst team (oh, hey Derek), I sprinkle it on them and dump the leftovers on me.
Yo, just stop. It's not working.
The Voys would be absolutely buttfucked if not for Mr. Flow himself, Erik Karlsson. The man immediately stepped in, and fucked shit up to the tune of 8.7 per game. Ah, shit, I lost the game. Three pickups have made a powerful impact too; Dusty Brown, Brayden Point, and Mikhail Sergyachev have all been unstoppable. See, at this point I've gotten too lazy to list their totals. Just look them up yourself if you really care.
Patrick Sharp and Rick Nash are both shooting under 2, and Oliver Ekman-Larsson has struggled mightily so far. The San Jose Sharks players, of which Halifax is so reliant on, have been on a slow burner, and are only just starting to heat up.
Look for Mitchflock to make several big changes, as he settles into his first coaching job since leading the Red Deer Blades to the Max Sky Cup Finals in 2015. He will make his return this week against Grand Rapids – the team his Blades squeaked by in that year's grueling semi-final matchup.
W2 MVP: Mikko Rantanen
W2 LVP: Joe Pavelski
W3 MVP: Mr. Flow
W3 LVP: Brandon Saad
W4 MVP: Mr. Flow
W4 LVP: Ben Bishop
Reason for hope: There really aren't that many good teams, so you might still turn out okay.
5 - MARS MARTIANS (0-4)
A 5th overall ranking might be seen as disrespectful, but in the entirety of my career as a sportswriter, I have never ranked an 0-4 team better than second-worst. Seriously, you're like a modern-day Joan of Arc; the hero everyone needed, but still burned at the stake. You're like Kevin Spacey; lovable, gay, and totally misunderstood for one drunken mishap. You're like Scottie Pippen; you made everyone around you (ie. Michael Jordan), but get no recognition by others for it.
Your record sucks, is my point.
I'd like to point out that I noticed your new logo, and I'm a fan of it. Yeah, I had to update the database (the YGFHL History spreadsheet), but it was well worth it.
Let's catch up with this team, then.
Since that fateful loss to the Adam Stier-run Grand Rapids Goats, Mars has been business. Connor continues to do Connor things, and Nikita Kucherov *drops computer* WHAT SORCERY IS THIS? This is ABSURD, Tory! ABSURD!
The Ms are third overall in scoring, which is amazingly bad luck considering their 0-4 record. They've been outscored by 55.1 points, which is an average of less than 20 per week. That means every loss has been close, and high scoring to boot. The skaters (non-goalies) average 4.98 FPTS, which is partly a shocking explosion of talent but also perhaps a reflection of the overall increase in NHL and YGFHL scoring. I'd have to check all the other teams, and deadlines don't lend to figuring cool things out. I'll do it another time, because I'm actually intrigued now.
A few low points do include the likes of Jonathan Drouin, Jake Guentzel, and pet project Matt Duchene. Last week's 14.1 point loss to Guelph stings, too.
This week, a Week 3 rematch pits the Martians against Vegas once again in a close matchup. No spoilers, but Vegas is losing by 24.7 points.
W2 MVP: Kyle Turris
W2 LVP: Jake Gardiner
W3 MVP: Nikita Kucherov
W3 LVP: Sergei Bobrovksy
W4 MVP: Sergei Bobrovksy
W4 LVP: Jack Eichel
Reason for hope: With this kind of scoring onslaught, your luck is bound to turn. Or, maybe your scoring onslaught is about to turn for worse. Not really hopeful, but I don't actually care.
4 - GRAND RAPIDS GOATS (2-2)
Meh.
Thanks to the re-emergence of Anze Kopitar and Phil Kessel (just go with it) and thanks to the uh, emergence, of Vladdy Namestnikov and Yevgeni Dadonov, Grand Rapids has kept pace with the Super Vipes. Some may say this ranking is a bit low, but I say those people can literally suck my dick. Hopefully, only hot girls think my rankings are whack, but I'll take what I can get, honestly.
I can already feel the slow grind coming, so I'm gonna speed through this. Sorry Stier, but you get little content. Maybe message me once in a while about stuff other than hockey, and I can make this funny.
Since Week Half, Les Purples beat Bangkok in a close matchup, but were blown out by Vegas in Week 2 and decimated to dust by Hamilton last week.
So... yeah. Meh.
Speaking of meh, let's look at Mikael Granlund. The dude is averaging 2.6 FPTS. Milan Lucic is doing outstanding, punching way above his weight with a sparkling 2.8 FPTS. And let's look at Mitch Marn... oh god. Oh, god no.
So, yeah. Next up, you face Superman. But don't worry, because you're made of Kryptonite. You should be fine.
W2 MVP: gotta go with Willy the Butcher
W2 LVP: Antti Raanta
W3 MVP: Vladdy Namestnikov
W3 LVP: Mitchy Marner
W4 MVP: Yevgeni Dadonov
W4 LVP: Corey Crawford
Reason for hope: This is the kind of team that's built to deal with adversity. This isn't the powerhouse it once was, but you can rest easy knowing that the rest of these chucklefucks don't know what they're doing.
Reason for despair: Sharvit and I hurt Ristolainen's feelings. You're screwed.
3 - HAMILTON HUSKIES (4-0)
This could be the lowest I've ever ranked a 4-0 team, but I think we can all agree on why.
It's cause ya suck diiiiiiiiiiick!!!!!
This one (and the rest of them) is also going to be short, because I'm low on time. The Sharvit Squad has done well enough to earn them a 4-0 record, beating one good team and two quarter-good teams in the process. Since returning from injury, Patty Bergy has been fire, sporting a cool 7.1 tally. Huberdeau, Kempe, and Butcher have all been happy surprises, too. But this team has been all Nashville and Dallas, and that's how they will be 'til kingdom come.
How many times do I need to tell you that this strategy does not work? It is becoming infuriating. They will help you, and make you love them, and beat you down when you least expect it. Remember Pittsburgh, last year? How many Max Sky Cups did you win last year? Not 1, that's for sure! Not 2, because that wouldn't have been possible. Remember Washing-tons of Habs and Blues? Yeah, that won Mark ZERO championships... although that's partly because he lost to Hamilton in the semis that year.
So, yeah. You suck and our division sucks, but that's okay because YOLO (ew, it's not 2012 Dan). What sucks even more is that your next opponent is from the World Division, and it happens to be your ORF co-owner Tory Dick's Bangkok Behemoths. Good luck (fuck you).
W2 MVP: Filip Forsberg
W2 LVP: Camothy Talbot
W3 MVP: Patty Bergy
W3 LVP: Max Pacioretty
W4 MVP: Sasha Radulov
W4 LVP: Leon Draisaitl
Reason for hope: I dunno. Fuck you.
2 - BANGKOK BEHEMOTHS (2-2)
This team is better than its 2-2 record, but the locker room attitude is growing cockier by the minute. This is not a fan-friendly team.
I'm also going to keep yours short, because I can and I will.
After this team got homeschooled by Grand Rapids, Bangkok turned up in Halifax, beating the 101 Connection rival at the VIA Rail Stadium by a decent margin. Both coaches were sloppy with their line changes, and as a result both teams missed out on golden opportunities throughout the matchup. One coach was fired, and the other is now on the hot seat. Should owner Tory Dick decide to fire either coach Gay Boucher or GM George McDick, it is unclear who he will choose to tap as the replacement, although it does appear he has been in close counsel with Behemoths International Ambassador Drake on the matter.
The Bs have been reliant on their keepers (as in, Jonathan Toews, Sasha Barkov, and obviously Evander Kane), and have seen very few road bumps (Bryan Rust, Brent Seabrook, and good lord Carey Price). Still, their record sits at a decent 2-2, earning them a first wildcard spot and a projected date with the Hamilton Huskies in round 1. Guess who you're playing this week?
(Just kidding, it's Saturday. You already know who you're facing.)
W2 MVP: Nikky Backstrom
W2 LVP: Carey Price
W3 MVP: Evander Kane
W3 LVP: Carey Price
W4 MVP: John Tavares
W4 LVP: Nikky Backstrom
Reason for hope: You're kind of a Big Baller. But like, a shitty one. Like LaMelo.
1 - LAS VEGAS VIPERS (4-0)
So, like, what is this team?
The top two teams have been heavily keeper reliant, but none more than this team. Alex Ovechkin, Auston Matthews, Taylor Hall, and STEVEN STAMKOS HOLY SHIT WHAT OH MY GOD WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON JEEZUSSS FRICKING FUCK TURDS
Now that that's out of my system, let's do some quick math. Excluding those four, all of Vegas's skaters are averaging 4.80 FPTS, which is actually a lot better than I thought, and totally disproves my point. Still, you're shit.
Your "depth" is coming back down to earth, and by "depth" I mean pickups.
The Super Vipes are the leading scorer by a solid 20 points, but that'll change by the end of the year. Yes, they took out some really good teams in Bangkok, Mars, and Grand Rapids, but they also beat the almighty Castrators! Oooooo! Big man.
This week is gonna be outta this world! As in, they're facing the Martians. Sorry for the late PR, boys. Good luck this week!
W2 MVP: Alex Pietrangelo
W2 LVP: Elite Superstar Oscar Klefbom (he's terrible, man)
W3 MVP: STOP! It's Stammer time!
W3 LVP: Just the fact that you owned Curtis McElhinney is an L
W4 MVP: Jakub Voracek
W4 LVP: Elite Superstar Nikita Zaitsev (also terrible, dude)
Reason for hope: Just never trade Stamkos. He's gonna live forever!