Post by GoVoysGo on Sept 19, 2017 23:10:15 GMT -5
These boards will be used for the weekly power rankings. I thought it would be nice to suggest how this league appears to shape up ahead of this upcoming season. I will be posting the weekly power rankings in one part each week. There will be no bottom half first part, also known as the glass half full half, nor the MC Hammer second portion (Too Legit too Quit). If you get offended that is OK we weren't going to spend Christmas together anyways. For the 2016-17 season, I'll be doing the rankings in reverse. I'm not sure if it's supposed to build suspension, or just because writers tend to save the best for last, but I'm going to follow suit. If you don't like it, go fuck yourself.
Lowest teams are listed first. Rank, team name, and record are listed, followed by the weekly report for that team, and Reason for hope.
The grammar will be bad and if you feel the need to point that out please be prepared to make a fist with your right hand and shake it back and forth so you can visualize my response to those complaints.
The Power Rankings are composed based on performance, record, and a glance at the team rosters...........
And finally, please have fun with these as I intend to, and try to ignore the fact that I copied the beginning of Clint J. Gritt's weekly power rankings from the Triple Play Dynasty baseball league.
#8 CAMBRIDGE CASTRATORS
And we’re off to the races! We’ve got a couple of serious teams, some contenders, a bubble or two, and…
Hrm.
Cambridge stumbles right out of the gates, fresh off YGFHL expansion. Owner Derek Ford has yet to name a head coach or a GM (he’s taken care of all hockey operations himself thus far), and he might not even realize that he needs to name some staff. Still, I’m not going to bash a team for not having a head coach. I’ll bash them for not having players.
Right away, we see the C’s reach for the stars with Ryan Getzlaf at 1st overall, and they would continue to make questionable choices from there. Alex Radulov at 41, Drew Doughty at 49, and Milan Lucic at 57. Those were three consecutive picks, too. He went 0-for-3. But the Castrators were not finished, taking Marleau at 73, Pat Maroon at 89, Panik at 105, Niskanen at 113, Eaves at 129, and Bozak at 153. Some good goaltending cannot compensate for the lack of forwards or the below-average defence. Considering the strength of the newly reformed Canadian Division, it might be wise for Cambridge to target a Cup run in 2018-19. That is, if President Trump doesn’t destroy the world before then.
Ford was recently spotted driving 340 kph down the 401 highway in a silver Honda Civic. According to sources close to the owner, the car belongs to rival owner Isaac Reich. Ford reportedly returned the vehicle shortly thereafter, and it is quite possible that the adrenaline from the event caused him to draft poorly.
4
Reason for hope: The team I rank last in the post-draft Power Rankings usually ends up making the playoffs. I’m a genius, folks. Don’t worry about it one bit.
#7 LAS VEGAS VIPERS
Last year’s surprising playoff team will not be making the playoffs this year. And no, assholes, I’m not talking about Halifax.
After making a big power move to acquire Alex Ovechkin before the keeper lock, Vegas GM John Tortellini told the media that the Vipers were looking to draft some surprise picks to help make another playoff push. Unfortunately, he only upheld the “surprise” aspect of his promise.
With a chance to make some real damage with three consecutive picks, Las Vegas flopped on all three, taking Palat, Zaitsev, and Aho from 85 to 87. Still, those were reasonable moves in comparison to the teams’ first selection, Alex Pietrangelo, and even he wasn’t nearly as bad as Oscar Klefbom at 54, easily the worst pick of the entire draft.
The forward corps is not all bad; his C and LW groups are actually pretty good. Alexander Ovechkin barely helps keep the righties afloat, and his D ranks in the dregs of the league. Also, hey, [owner] Jeff Gould and Tortellini, you do know this league includes goalies, right? You might want some.
I almost ranked the Vipers way higher in lieu of their extremely impressive intel department. He must have the best sources; otherwise, how could he have found out about my rankings before I had even posted them?
In order to, in the words of fellow owner Dan Ronel, “start shit,” Gould started making his own rankings, in an attempt to throw shade at those who have provided him with an immense amount of salt. His attacks were mostly aimed at Ronel’s Halifax Voyageurs, although expansion team Bangkok Behemoths got caught in the crossfire.
Point is, they’re shit. Can I move on to the next team already?
Reason for hope: I heard you’re pretty above-average at tennis, so there’s that.
#6 MARS MARTIANS
This is where the fun begins.
Mars has some good stuff here, like RW and G. He also has godawful C and LW, and an average defensive corps. A lot of that has to do with mediocre drafting, but… well, actually, all of it has to do with mediocre drafting.
Head coach/GM/owner Isaac Reich gave Mars fans a few bright spots; namely with his picks Max Pacioretty, Bishop, Eberle, and Gardiner. Still, he swung and missed on others, such as Matthew Tkachuk, Eric Staal, and Sam Reinhart.
Still, despite taking a fantastic core of keepers and stacking it with piles and piles of shit, this team could still surprise. There are a lot of risks on this roster (Matty Duchene, I’m looking at you) that could end up panning out. Don’t be surprised if Mars makes the playoffs, Stier.
The M’s are still slotted to miss the wildcard by one spot, being stranded in the middle of nowhere by other YGFHL owners. But it’s okay, because Reich is used to that by now.
Reason for hope: Little do any of the other owners know, myself included, but your team is actually better than any other team.
#5 GRAND RAPIDS GOATS
Sorry dude. But, like, yeah. You’re not top three.
After owner Adam Stier got a little upset over the fixed rounds rule, Goats GM Rob Surrey went to work, making some interesting picks. After landing Wayne Simmonds, he later went fishing for steals with Mikael Granlund, Wennberg, and Vadim Sipachyov. Like most teams, however, he fished a little too far downstream, especially regarding 128th pick, Kyle Okposo. On the bright side, you wore your Bass Pro Shop baseball cap while fishing, and it looked damn good on you.
Grand Rapids ranks in the top half of the league at three out of the five positions, earning a “Bullshit Score” of 43 points (out of a maximum of 75). Before you get all huffy, the best team only reached 64, and the next best was 52. You don’t need to know what the relevance of that number is. That’s only important to me.
Still, you scored a 5 (out of 15) for RW and a 3 for defence. That’s really, really bad. There is an obvious divide in your righties, between Niederreiter and Mitch Marner, and it is a gaping hole. Fix it up, bud.
Word has gotten around that Stier is a bit of a gossip, sharing valuable secrets with certain roommate types, impeding the progress and growth of the YGFHL. Ey! Stop telling Jeff about my shit! Or… or, I’ll stop giving you insider information! (immediately gets arrested for insider trading)
Reason for hope: It’s you. Should I say more?
#4 GUELPH GRYPHONS
I keep looking at your team, looking at my rankings, and wondering how high I must be.
At a glance, your team is a hot mess. At best, there’s a lot of risk. At worst, this is disastrous. Again, the Gryphons are relying heavily on the real-life Boston Bruins, and again, it is going to be fun watching that crash and burn. Centremen aside, Guelph’s got some wicked forward groups, some solid defence, and I think they have some goalies in the crease, although I’m not sure if I’d consider them good. I’m kinda getting lazy at this point, so I won’t list any of head coach/GM/owner Ryan Balter’s draft picks (except for Charlie McAvoy, Charlie Coyle, Rickard Rakell, and Max Domi… FOUR PICKS IN A ROW, and THAT’S what you have to show for it), but believe me when I say his draft was polarizing. Every pick was a wild ride, either coming out strong or flopping like LeBron.
G-Town is looking to compete for a spot in the playoffs, although he’ll have two teams that could give him a hard time with that (no, Derek, not you). This team has a very high ceiling, and a very low floor. Where they will end up… that’s anybody’s guess. This time, it’s my guess, and I think they’ll just miss the playoffs.
Balter is out with a concussion. Ok, he’s not, but he’s starting Quidditch again, which means another three concussions a year, right?
Reason for hope: Any concussions you do sustain will not carry over to your fantasy team, so you should be good!
#3 HALIFAX VOYAGEURS
I wonder who owns this beauty of a team.
Straddled with an aging core of keepers and drained of any decent draft picks, Voyageurs GM James McEnroy went to work, nabbing players left, right, and centre. Unfortunately, he was robbed of two defencemen in the fourth round, settling on Martin Jones instead. But he’s good at left, right, and centre.
I know I will get a lot of backlash over this. But, c’mon, you guys. Overrating my team post-draft is a YGFHL tradition! How could I go back on tradition like that?
While there are some notable holes (where are your goalies?), Halifax has retooled on the fly, making some sharp picks – such as grabbing Claude Giroux late in the 9th round – or taking some chances – like Nico Hischier at the back end of the draft. In perhaps the craziest, yet most calculated, move of the draft, McEnroy selected Rick Nash at 60. Using Sharvit’s Theory of Contract-Year, McEnroy and the Voys have reasoned that Nash will have a resurgence, playing the best hockey he’s played in years for his next payday.
Or, maybe I’m just full of shit and Nash is going to be one of the biggest busts of the draft. Oooo, uncertainty! What fun!
Owner Dan Ronel recently learned how to cook, using leftover steak flavouring (his roommate had just used the pan) to heat up some pepperoni sticks. What? Who the fuck heats up pepperoni, and who uses a stovetop to do it? What a fucking moron. I bet he’s the kind of guy that breathes through his mouth, pees sitting down, and overrates his fantasy team.
Reason for hope: I dunno. I think your team is good, but what do I know?
#2 HAMILTON HUSKIES
Honestly, I give up. I can’t remember the last time I ranked you this high before the first game, but I’m just going to go ahead and do it. You’re going to end up making the playoffs anyways, might as well. Jeez.
Nah, but this team is actually pretty fucking-A good, I can’t lie. They’ve got the best goalies, and by far the best blueliners. They did hoard all the early draft picks, but owner Adam Sharvit typically likes targeting depth rather than stacking up at the top, so this is nothing out of the ordinary. The centremen are top three calibre, although the wingers leave something to be desired. And what’s being desired is a boatload of fantasy points.
With the new shitty YGFHL “Crosby-Ovechkin style” divisional rival marketing, Hamilton gets set to face its rival, Halifax, in week 1. But before then, look for longtime GM Jon Baloney to make some moves. He already made waves at the draft, with selections like Oliver Ekman-Larsson at 30th (yeah, rip my fucking heart out) with Halifax’s pick, or waiting ages for TJ Brodie.
When not playing fantasy hockey, Sharvit likes to partake several hobbies, such as being terrible at NHL video games, writing his own algorithms, and stapling people at work (as mentioned in a previous PR article). He has also recently become an aunt, as his sister and her boyfriend have gotten engaged. No, they aren’t having a kid yet, why does everyone keep asking me that?
Reason for hope: A brand new NHL game just came out for you to be shit at.
#1 BANGKOK BEHEMOTHS
Suck on this, Jeff.
Expansion team Behemoths have been awarded the top spot on their first ever Power Rankings appearance, much to the dismay of most other owners (hi Jeff). It’s not hard to see why.
They drafted the goodest.
Yup, it just about comes down to that. Most pre-draft rankings set their keepers at middle of the pack; the average seemed to be 5th. But thanks to a fantastic draft by GM George McDick, this team aims to make a splash in their debut season.
Already, the BBs have made history, becoming the first ever YGFHL team in Thailand, and just the second outside of North America (not counting Mars, of course).
The forwards are stacked, the defence is top three, and so are the goalies. It’s a hat trick of positional dominance. Barkov at 3 was a solid pick; Oshie, Carter, Hamilton, and Ryan O’Reilly to follow were remarkable. Aside from Nazem Kadri, Evander Kane, and Brent Seabrook, there weren’t really any sore spots for Bangkok.
You better believe that owner Tory Dick knows it, too (lol his last name is Dick). In a brief interview with TFHN, he made a brazen claim: “I just want my $400 in cash.” He then went on to say how he is not going to relent in his fight for a first year championship. “If I have to fire the coach after the first week, if I’m not happy with the direction of the team, I have no problem doing that. If I don’t like where the team is after two weeks, the GM is next. I’m not [expletive] around guys. I got OVO on this [expletive], they countin' me, ahlie.”
Reason for hope: You don’t have Sami Vatanen, so you won’t have that many injuries this year.
Lowest teams are listed first. Rank, team name, and record are listed, followed by the weekly report for that team, and Reason for hope.
The grammar will be bad and if you feel the need to point that out please be prepared to make a fist with your right hand and shake it back and forth so you can visualize my response to those complaints.
The Power Rankings are composed based on performance, record, and a glance at the team rosters...........
And finally, please have fun with these as I intend to, and try to ignore the fact that I copied the beginning of Clint J. Gritt's weekly power rankings from the Triple Play Dynasty baseball league.
#8 CAMBRIDGE CASTRATORS
And we’re off to the races! We’ve got a couple of serious teams, some contenders, a bubble or two, and…
Hrm.
Cambridge stumbles right out of the gates, fresh off YGFHL expansion. Owner Derek Ford has yet to name a head coach or a GM (he’s taken care of all hockey operations himself thus far), and he might not even realize that he needs to name some staff. Still, I’m not going to bash a team for not having a head coach. I’ll bash them for not having players.
Right away, we see the C’s reach for the stars with Ryan Getzlaf at 1st overall, and they would continue to make questionable choices from there. Alex Radulov at 41, Drew Doughty at 49, and Milan Lucic at 57. Those were three consecutive picks, too. He went 0-for-3. But the Castrators were not finished, taking Marleau at 73, Pat Maroon at 89, Panik at 105, Niskanen at 113, Eaves at 129, and Bozak at 153. Some good goaltending cannot compensate for the lack of forwards or the below-average defence. Considering the strength of the newly reformed Canadian Division, it might be wise for Cambridge to target a Cup run in 2018-19. That is, if President Trump doesn’t destroy the world before then.
Ford was recently spotted driving 340 kph down the 401 highway in a silver Honda Civic. According to sources close to the owner, the car belongs to rival owner Isaac Reich. Ford reportedly returned the vehicle shortly thereafter, and it is quite possible that the adrenaline from the event caused him to draft poorly.
4
Reason for hope: The team I rank last in the post-draft Power Rankings usually ends up making the playoffs. I’m a genius, folks. Don’t worry about it one bit.
#7 LAS VEGAS VIPERS
Last year’s surprising playoff team will not be making the playoffs this year. And no, assholes, I’m not talking about Halifax.
After making a big power move to acquire Alex Ovechkin before the keeper lock, Vegas GM John Tortellini told the media that the Vipers were looking to draft some surprise picks to help make another playoff push. Unfortunately, he only upheld the “surprise” aspect of his promise.
With a chance to make some real damage with three consecutive picks, Las Vegas flopped on all three, taking Palat, Zaitsev, and Aho from 85 to 87. Still, those were reasonable moves in comparison to the teams’ first selection, Alex Pietrangelo, and even he wasn’t nearly as bad as Oscar Klefbom at 54, easily the worst pick of the entire draft.
The forward corps is not all bad; his C and LW groups are actually pretty good. Alexander Ovechkin barely helps keep the righties afloat, and his D ranks in the dregs of the league. Also, hey, [owner] Jeff Gould and Tortellini, you do know this league includes goalies, right? You might want some.
I almost ranked the Vipers way higher in lieu of their extremely impressive intel department. He must have the best sources; otherwise, how could he have found out about my rankings before I had even posted them?
In order to, in the words of fellow owner Dan Ronel, “start shit,” Gould started making his own rankings, in an attempt to throw shade at those who have provided him with an immense amount of salt. His attacks were mostly aimed at Ronel’s Halifax Voyageurs, although expansion team Bangkok Behemoths got caught in the crossfire.
Point is, they’re shit. Can I move on to the next team already?
Reason for hope: I heard you’re pretty above-average at tennis, so there’s that.
#6 MARS MARTIANS
This is where the fun begins.
Mars has some good stuff here, like RW and G. He also has godawful C and LW, and an average defensive corps. A lot of that has to do with mediocre drafting, but… well, actually, all of it has to do with mediocre drafting.
Head coach/GM/owner Isaac Reich gave Mars fans a few bright spots; namely with his picks Max Pacioretty, Bishop, Eberle, and Gardiner. Still, he swung and missed on others, such as Matthew Tkachuk, Eric Staal, and Sam Reinhart.
Still, despite taking a fantastic core of keepers and stacking it with piles and piles of shit, this team could still surprise. There are a lot of risks on this roster (Matty Duchene, I’m looking at you) that could end up panning out. Don’t be surprised if Mars makes the playoffs, Stier.
The M’s are still slotted to miss the wildcard by one spot, being stranded in the middle of nowhere by other YGFHL owners. But it’s okay, because Reich is used to that by now.
Reason for hope: Little do any of the other owners know, myself included, but your team is actually better than any other team.
#5 GRAND RAPIDS GOATS
Sorry dude. But, like, yeah. You’re not top three.
After owner Adam Stier got a little upset over the fixed rounds rule, Goats GM Rob Surrey went to work, making some interesting picks. After landing Wayne Simmonds, he later went fishing for steals with Mikael Granlund, Wennberg, and Vadim Sipachyov. Like most teams, however, he fished a little too far downstream, especially regarding 128th pick, Kyle Okposo. On the bright side, you wore your Bass Pro Shop baseball cap while fishing, and it looked damn good on you.
Grand Rapids ranks in the top half of the league at three out of the five positions, earning a “Bullshit Score” of 43 points (out of a maximum of 75). Before you get all huffy, the best team only reached 64, and the next best was 52. You don’t need to know what the relevance of that number is. That’s only important to me.
Still, you scored a 5 (out of 15) for RW and a 3 for defence. That’s really, really bad. There is an obvious divide in your righties, between Niederreiter and Mitch Marner, and it is a gaping hole. Fix it up, bud.
Word has gotten around that Stier is a bit of a gossip, sharing valuable secrets with certain roommate types, impeding the progress and growth of the YGFHL. Ey! Stop telling Jeff about my shit! Or… or, I’ll stop giving you insider information! (immediately gets arrested for insider trading)
Reason for hope: It’s you. Should I say more?
#4 GUELPH GRYPHONS
I keep looking at your team, looking at my rankings, and wondering how high I must be.
At a glance, your team is a hot mess. At best, there’s a lot of risk. At worst, this is disastrous. Again, the Gryphons are relying heavily on the real-life Boston Bruins, and again, it is going to be fun watching that crash and burn. Centremen aside, Guelph’s got some wicked forward groups, some solid defence, and I think they have some goalies in the crease, although I’m not sure if I’d consider them good. I’m kinda getting lazy at this point, so I won’t list any of head coach/GM/owner Ryan Balter’s draft picks (except for Charlie McAvoy, Charlie Coyle, Rickard Rakell, and Max Domi… FOUR PICKS IN A ROW, and THAT’S what you have to show for it), but believe me when I say his draft was polarizing. Every pick was a wild ride, either coming out strong or flopping like LeBron.
G-Town is looking to compete for a spot in the playoffs, although he’ll have two teams that could give him a hard time with that (no, Derek, not you). This team has a very high ceiling, and a very low floor. Where they will end up… that’s anybody’s guess. This time, it’s my guess, and I think they’ll just miss the playoffs.
Balter is out with a concussion. Ok, he’s not, but he’s starting Quidditch again, which means another three concussions a year, right?
Reason for hope: Any concussions you do sustain will not carry over to your fantasy team, so you should be good!
#3 HALIFAX VOYAGEURS
I wonder who owns this beauty of a team.
Straddled with an aging core of keepers and drained of any decent draft picks, Voyageurs GM James McEnroy went to work, nabbing players left, right, and centre. Unfortunately, he was robbed of two defencemen in the fourth round, settling on Martin Jones instead. But he’s good at left, right, and centre.
I know I will get a lot of backlash over this. But, c’mon, you guys. Overrating my team post-draft is a YGFHL tradition! How could I go back on tradition like that?
While there are some notable holes (where are your goalies?), Halifax has retooled on the fly, making some sharp picks – such as grabbing Claude Giroux late in the 9th round – or taking some chances – like Nico Hischier at the back end of the draft. In perhaps the craziest, yet most calculated, move of the draft, McEnroy selected Rick Nash at 60. Using Sharvit’s Theory of Contract-Year, McEnroy and the Voys have reasoned that Nash will have a resurgence, playing the best hockey he’s played in years for his next payday.
Or, maybe I’m just full of shit and Nash is going to be one of the biggest busts of the draft. Oooo, uncertainty! What fun!
Owner Dan Ronel recently learned how to cook, using leftover steak flavouring (his roommate had just used the pan) to heat up some pepperoni sticks. What? Who the fuck heats up pepperoni, and who uses a stovetop to do it? What a fucking moron. I bet he’s the kind of guy that breathes through his mouth, pees sitting down, and overrates his fantasy team.
Reason for hope: I dunno. I think your team is good, but what do I know?
#2 HAMILTON HUSKIES
Honestly, I give up. I can’t remember the last time I ranked you this high before the first game, but I’m just going to go ahead and do it. You’re going to end up making the playoffs anyways, might as well. Jeez.
Nah, but this team is actually pretty fucking-A good, I can’t lie. They’ve got the best goalies, and by far the best blueliners. They did hoard all the early draft picks, but owner Adam Sharvit typically likes targeting depth rather than stacking up at the top, so this is nothing out of the ordinary. The centremen are top three calibre, although the wingers leave something to be desired. And what’s being desired is a boatload of fantasy points.
With the new shitty YGFHL “Crosby-Ovechkin style” divisional rival marketing, Hamilton gets set to face its rival, Halifax, in week 1. But before then, look for longtime GM Jon Baloney to make some moves. He already made waves at the draft, with selections like Oliver Ekman-Larsson at 30th (yeah, rip my fucking heart out) with Halifax’s pick, or waiting ages for TJ Brodie.
When not playing fantasy hockey, Sharvit likes to partake several hobbies, such as being terrible at NHL video games, writing his own algorithms, and stapling people at work (as mentioned in a previous PR article). He has also recently become an aunt, as his sister and her boyfriend have gotten engaged. No, they aren’t having a kid yet, why does everyone keep asking me that?
Reason for hope: A brand new NHL game just came out for you to be shit at.
#1 BANGKOK BEHEMOTHS
Suck on this, Jeff.
Expansion team Behemoths have been awarded the top spot on their first ever Power Rankings appearance, much to the dismay of most other owners (hi Jeff). It’s not hard to see why.
They drafted the goodest.
Yup, it just about comes down to that. Most pre-draft rankings set their keepers at middle of the pack; the average seemed to be 5th. But thanks to a fantastic draft by GM George McDick, this team aims to make a splash in their debut season.
Already, the BBs have made history, becoming the first ever YGFHL team in Thailand, and just the second outside of North America (not counting Mars, of course).
The forwards are stacked, the defence is top three, and so are the goalies. It’s a hat trick of positional dominance. Barkov at 3 was a solid pick; Oshie, Carter, Hamilton, and Ryan O’Reilly to follow were remarkable. Aside from Nazem Kadri, Evander Kane, and Brent Seabrook, there weren’t really any sore spots for Bangkok.
You better believe that owner Tory Dick knows it, too (lol his last name is Dick). In a brief interview with TFHN, he made a brazen claim: “I just want my $400 in cash.” He then went on to say how he is not going to relent in his fight for a first year championship. “If I have to fire the coach after the first week, if I’m not happy with the direction of the team, I have no problem doing that. If I don’t like where the team is after two weeks, the GM is next. I’m not [expletive] around guys. I got OVO on this [expletive], they countin' me, ahlie.”
Reason for hope: You don’t have Sami Vatanen, so you won’t have that many injuries this year.