Post by GoVoysGo on Feb 3, 2017 15:03:29 GMT -5
These boards will be used for the weekly power rankings. I thought it would be nice to suggest how this league appears to shape up ahead of this upcoming season. I will be posting the weekly power rankings in one part each week. There will be no bottom half first part, also known as the glass half full half, nor the MC Hammer second portion (Too Legit too Quit). If you get offended that is OK we weren't going to spend Christmas together anyways. For the 2016-17 season, I'll be doing the rankings in reverse. I'm not sure if it's supposed to build suspension, or just because writers tend to save the best for last, but I'm going to follow suit. If you don't like it, go fuck yourself.
Lowest teams are listed first. Rank, team name, and record are listed, followed by the weekly report for that team, and Reason for hope.
The grammar will be bad and if you feel the need to point that out please be prepared to make a fist with your right hand and shake it back and forth so you can visualize my response to those complaints.
The Power Rankings are composed based on performance, record, and a glance at the team rosters...........
And finally, please have fun with these as I intend to, and try to ignore the fact that I copied the beginning of Clint J. Gritt's weekly power rankings from the Triple Play Dynasty baseball league.
#6 • MARS MARTIANS • 3-12
It is full on crash n' burn time in Pennsylvania.
GM Steve Xzerman has been given the green light from owner Isaac Reich to go nuts on the roster. In the span of last matchup, Mars made three major trades with three different teams, blowing up the current team in favour of draft picks and elite keepers. Captain Jamie Benn, among others, was sent packing. He now plays for Hamilton.
The new draft odds have come in, and last place would be given a modest 35% chance at the golden draft pick. Xzerman has huge dollar signs in his eyes right now, there is no question about that. The thing with tanking is this: nobody likes losing, right? But I have to admit, tanking is actually more fun. You get to throw the entire league off its own balance. You get to finally trade players you never thought you would. You get to rave about next year, it gives you something to look forward to. I've been there more than once, and even though I'm happy to be a contender, it never gets old. It really never gets old.
Reich probably thinks all the fun is over. He probably did what he did, shook Xzerman's hand, and retired back to New York where he lives with his beautiful wife (no, seriously, she's fucking gorgeous... I'd divorce my wife for her), and not do shit until next season.
Oh no, bud. You've still gotta do all your keepers, you've gotta attend the awards show. In the offseason, there's gonna be even more trading. And then the draft. Yep, the draft you've been waiting for. This is the first year we've dropped the "serpentine" style of drafting in favour of a fixed order. This really gives an advantage to the teams that finish lower in the standings, as they now have twice as many top half picks. It's my secret anti-Adam recipe. But shhhhh! Don't tell them.
Anyways, Mars got their asses handed to them by Hamilton, predictably. Surprisingly, they didn't finish last in scoring (and neither did Las Vegas). Next week they host Grand Rapids, and if you're not Reich or Stier, you're cheering for Mars to win.
Reason for hope: Next year, fellas. Next year.
#5 • GUELPH GRYPHONS • 5-10
Before you get up in that high horse, make a damn trade. You're only one game up on your competition, you were last in scoring, and your team is starting to finally cool down to the point where it's going to hurt bad. Everyone is making trades. Las Vegas is making moves. The Adams are making moves. Hell, even I'm making moves! Even the new expansion Bangkok Behemoths made a trade in theory! Do you get it? Get what I'm saying?
And no, Sharvit. Before you start yelling too, I'm not advocating trading because the competition is getting better. I've trashed on Guelph for the longest time to get better. It's just that now, on a two game losing streak, and barely holding on to the last playoff spot, something needs to give.
Last week was a disaster. You think the matchup against Mars was important at the time? This one probably goes double, and you literally were worst scorer of the matchup. If this matchup were the NFL Entry Draft, you'd be Mr. Irrelevant, except worse, because nobody is taking you to the fucking beach. If this was Sunnyvale Trailer Park, you'd be Cory and Trevor. If this was Garrison, Colorado, you'd be Colt Bennett's football career. If this was The Office, you'd be the Michael Scott Paper Company. If this was a court of law, you'd be the OJ Simpson prosecutor. If this was the YGFHL, you'd be the Mars Martians. Let me put it this way; if this was the playoffs, you'd be the San Jose Sharks. I'd go on, but I can't think of any more, and it's starting to hurt my heart just thinking of the last one. Anyways, this was not the time to lose, and you did. Brad Marchand (41.8) and David Pastrnak (30.4) came in clutch, but Tuuka Rask (2.8) did not, going 2-3 over the course of a long, long matchup. God, I hate long matchups. Anyways, I remember bagging on someone (maybe North Korea) for their lower scoring players failing to do anything. This was very much the case last matchup. I'm not going to do the math, but feel free to (unless it proves me wrong, in which case forget I even said anything).
So then you might ask, how do I fix this? Well, for starters, you should never havesix five players from the same team. Second, if you do, pick a better team than the Boston Bruins. You rely on Winnipeg too; yeah, you have about half as many Jets as you do Bruins, but two of them are your primary sources of points. It's basically what I'm doing with San Jose, except my two are both established keepers who aren't streaky or having breakout seasons. Besides, I didn't give up a mountain for either of them. And no, I'm not referring to how you got Laine.
Next week is probably your best chance to prove you mean business. De facto league leader (in points and wins) Hamilton is next up on the list.
This is the first I'm writing since we had dinner some three weeks ago. You said you haven't been able to read the Power Rankings because of the stupid privacy settings I have on them. You won't read this one either, but not for the same reason.
Reason for despair: Balter, gimme your fucken smokes.
#4 • LAS VEGAS VIPERS • 4-11
Ok there, hotshot. Beginner's luck is a thing, now let's see what you're made of.
New owner Jeffrey Gould got right into it, making deals and not fucking benching his players. Gould fired GM Jarmo Kilkenny for incompetence, replacing him with former coach John Tortellini. It's definitely an interesting move, considering Tortellini's lack of management experience, but the uptight fucker got to work on a few trades already. Meanwhile, Vegas coach Mike Babsocks — who legally changed his name from Blake Mabcock last week — appears to be safe from unemployment (seriously, do people actually think he'll ever be fired?), speaking with the media on the subject Friday.
"It's not about me. It's about the team, the players. These guys are tired, we just relocated across the globe. These guys are hungry, we're 4-11 now and haven't been in the playoffs for a few years there since Red Deer. I spoke with Jeff, he believes in me. But it's more than that. I believe in the boys, he believes in the boys. We're all in, now."
Evan Presement had the plan. He had the keepers. He had the prospects. But now, Jeff Gould has the team. Is it playoffs time? That remains to be seen. But more importantly, will I find something funny to end this paragraph with? No, absolutely not.
Las Vegas came in clutch, defeating the Guelph Gryphons en route to their second win in as many matchups. Don't look now, but these guys might be for real. A committee was the way here, with six players topping 30 this week. Newly acquired Alex Ovechkin was notably good, scoring twice and notching six points. Conversely, the blueline looks like it could use a touch-up, that's for sure. Now that Drew Doughty has taken off for greener pastures (yes, I killed him, that's what "greener pastures" implies), they're down to PK Subban, Alec Martinez, Douglas Hamilton, Nick Leddy, and Jared Spurgeon as the only relevant players back there. Yeepers. Nada gouda.
The hockey gods were not kind this week, either. Steven Stamkos is still injured with whatever the fuck is wrong with him this time, and Patrice Bergeron is day-to-day with like a collapsed lung or something, but the Vipers can now add recently-acquired Conor Sheary, who hurt his upper... left, middle boob muscle, I don't fucking know, it's some upper-body injury. Going back a few weeks, the club waited on injuries to Subban, Mika Zibanejad, Jake Allen, and Bobby Ryan and Mike Hoffman — the latter two of which stayed on the IR much longer than they were injured for. I remember that, that was funny. I wrote about it, like, twice in the PR. Two separate times over a span of two weeks.
Next week, Halifax. Let's see if you're ready to hang with the big boys (oh my god I can't believe I called me one of the big boys I have to go tell everyone I know holy fuck this is huge!!).
Reason for hope: This is a pretty fucked up league.
#3 • GRAND RAPIDS GOATS • 11-4
This is maybe the greatest thing ever.
Les Purples have lost their third consecutive matchup, and have conceded first place to Hamilton.
So why are they 3rd, Dan? Bias much?
Well, no. Halifax is one game back, and are on a win streak of 5. They've also outscored Grand Rapids each week since the losing streak began. GM Rob Surrey is in a pickle here: does he drop everything and stack up, possibly screwing Grand Rapids for the future? It's very difficult to maintain just 5 keepers while gearing up for the playoffs. Halifax and Hamilton seem to have taken the "full steam ahead" approach, although the Sharvit Squad seems to be trying to balance both.
It's a tough choice, no question, but are the defending champions ready to defend? Or were they a one trick fat horse? I know that's not the saying, I added a word, but I don't like Grand Rapids. So fuck them, and fuck you too.
It's Friday, and I've degenerated into my "hurry-up" writing style. This is as good as the PR is going to be this week. It's all downhill from here.
It was the Tavares and McDavid show this week. John Tavares (55.2) was the third highest scoring player this week, and I'm sure he would have appreciated some help from teammates. The Goats got of to a slow start, which Halifax jumped on right away. By the time the second week of the matchup rolled around, it was well out of reach (although Voys owner Dan Ronel didn't seem to think so, actually going on to predict a comeback win for GR). Upper management is apparently especially furious with the recent stretch of play. The Goats have only been through two coaches and two GMs, firing Sean Crombardi and Darren Stutter during the 2015 offseason. However, coach Cole Tannenville was quick to quash any rumours that owner Adam Stier was looking to make changes.
"Rumours? I don't know of any rumours. I think [Stier] would have mentioned something to me if he was considering any personnel changes. It's a bit of a losing streak, so what? Happens to everybody. I know these guys. They're determined to get one back over to the W column. We're a perennial contender. We just won the Max Sky Cup, for chrissake. You do what you want to earn your paycheck, starting these rumours. But I'm not playing ball, there's your quote."
There you have it. No changes, with a side of salt. Stier could change his mind quickly with another loss, but with Mars listed as their opponent, I wouldn't count on it.
Reason for hope: Your schedule.
#2 • HALIFAX VOYAGEURS • 10-5
In the words of Gina Linetti, "Smiley face emoji."
Things are looking up, my friend. You've got an awesome coach in (quickly scrambles to find name of coach) — okay, so, apparently I never hired a new one after firing Ed Nolan, so I'm gonna pretend I had one all along. Let's go with... Glen Guluten-Free, that's kinda funny and I came up with it off the top of my head on my own without help from any outside sources. Anyways, you've got an awesome coach in Guluten-Free, way too many keepers, the best goalies and defence in the league, and a 5-game winning streak to boot. You're basically the team to beat, if there were only five teams in the league.
It's also nice that you're done facing the Goats and only have one more meeting with the Huskies. Facing lower teams is usually a recipe for success, unless those teams are in a playoff race. Well, good thing you're mostly playing Mars and Las Vegas.
For the second time in three matchups, the Voys manhandled Grand Rapids, making short work of the former league leaders. Connor McDavid (52.1) stole the show in his farewell performance, with three bangers and six apples over ten days. Halifax frustrated early with a devastating cycle in the offensive zone, leaving the Goats struggling to get the puck. Coach Guluten-Free has implemented the cycle similar to how Pete DeBeer used to with the San Francisco Piranhas in the NFHL, and it has worked wonders. The goaltending was — as per usual — top notch, leaving Goats forward Johnny Gaudreau shaking his head on multiple chances. Second highest scorer is not bad, but you gotta strive for first. I mean, if you don't win every single week and every single month and every single year at every single thing you do, ever, you might as well kill yourself right now. Because nobody likes a loser, especially one who loses a lot, like losers do. Isn't that right, Sharvit?
Dark humour aside, things are finally looking up for this once-glorified franchise, who — in just their first year of existence — made the playoffs in a league where 67% of the teams make the playoffs. Well, it may finally be time to make the playoffs again. A win against Las Vegas this week would clinch.
Reason for hope: You and Balter are having dinner again, which means you get to play with all those reminders again! Yes!
#1 • HAMILTON HUSKIES • 12-3
Gosh Sharvit, nobody likes a sore winner.
Once again, Hamilton was highest scorer against the league's now-worst team. Whoop-de-doo. The real interesting thing here is how much they scored. 697.5 is great, even over ten days. If you adjust for regular matchup length, that's almost a 500 week. Darn you, Sharvit! Darn you! (Echoes like evil villain whose evil plot has just been foiled)
Not one, not two, but three motherfuckers from Hamilton topped 50 this week, including the top two scorers of the week. Guess which team all three played for. Did you guess Washington or Dallas? Probably not, although he had more than three players from those two teams this week as well. No, of course you guessed the Penguins. I'm done warning you, man. I don't know why I do it. Maybe I'm just that nice. Maybe I'm super gullible. Maybe it's what I'm paid to do as a journalist (lol jk, but seriously tho). Maybe it has already. Evgeni Malkin (58.5) continued to be heavily relied upon by the Huskies, and will be sorely and hugely missed. He is injured with the... the thing that he usually hurts. Back? No, that's Letang. Concussion? No, that's Crosby. Punctured lung? No, that's Bergeron. Mumps? No, that's Anaheim.
This was as easy as any matchup will come. GM (wait, it's not Baloney... crap, who is it? Umm... ok so I talked to Sharvit, and apparently it is Baloney) Ron Baloney has worked hard to keep up with all the trading that's gone on recently — not because the team needs improving, but just "cause boss said so," in his own words. Uhhh, Sharvit? You sure you don't want a new GM? There are plenty still around. Jean Legstrom, maybe? He's been unemployed since Mark fired him, he comes with his own pecan pie recipe. C'mon, man. Just go for it. We want Baloney gone. He's a shitty negotiator. He uses things like statistics that make it seem like it's a fair trade. He's a bad GM and he takes advantage of us and makes your team shit; trust me, he's bad bad, like not good bad. Although... he's also good bad as well. To quote Gina Linetti, "Angry face with devil horns emoji."
Next week is Guelph. I'd say watch out, but I think you know how to win. Five in a row is plenty man, just slow down.
Reason for hope: Just win another fucking time, why don't you? Fuck.
Lowest teams are listed first. Rank, team name, and record are listed, followed by the weekly report for that team, and Reason for hope.
The grammar will be bad and if you feel the need to point that out please be prepared to make a fist with your right hand and shake it back and forth so you can visualize my response to those complaints.
The Power Rankings are composed based on performance, record, and a glance at the team rosters...........
And finally, please have fun with these as I intend to, and try to ignore the fact that I copied the beginning of Clint J. Gritt's weekly power rankings from the Triple Play Dynasty baseball league.
#6 • MARS MARTIANS • 3-12
It is full on crash n' burn time in Pennsylvania.
GM Steve Xzerman has been given the green light from owner Isaac Reich to go nuts on the roster. In the span of last matchup, Mars made three major trades with three different teams, blowing up the current team in favour of draft picks and elite keepers. Captain Jamie Benn, among others, was sent packing. He now plays for Hamilton.
The new draft odds have come in, and last place would be given a modest 35% chance at the golden draft pick. Xzerman has huge dollar signs in his eyes right now, there is no question about that. The thing with tanking is this: nobody likes losing, right? But I have to admit, tanking is actually more fun. You get to throw the entire league off its own balance. You get to finally trade players you never thought you would. You get to rave about next year, it gives you something to look forward to. I've been there more than once, and even though I'm happy to be a contender, it never gets old. It really never gets old.
Reich probably thinks all the fun is over. He probably did what he did, shook Xzerman's hand, and retired back to New York where he lives with his beautiful wife (no, seriously, she's fucking gorgeous... I'd divorce my wife for her), and not do shit until next season.
Oh no, bud. You've still gotta do all your keepers, you've gotta attend the awards show. In the offseason, there's gonna be even more trading. And then the draft. Yep, the draft you've been waiting for. This is the first year we've dropped the "serpentine" style of drafting in favour of a fixed order. This really gives an advantage to the teams that finish lower in the standings, as they now have twice as many top half picks. It's my secret anti-Adam recipe. But shhhhh! Don't tell them.
Anyways, Mars got their asses handed to them by Hamilton, predictably. Surprisingly, they didn't finish last in scoring (and neither did Las Vegas). Next week they host Grand Rapids, and if you're not Reich or Stier, you're cheering for Mars to win.
Reason for hope: Next year, fellas. Next year.
#5 • GUELPH GRYPHONS • 5-10
Before you get up in that high horse, make a damn trade. You're only one game up on your competition, you were last in scoring, and your team is starting to finally cool down to the point where it's going to hurt bad. Everyone is making trades. Las Vegas is making moves. The Adams are making moves. Hell, even I'm making moves! Even the new expansion Bangkok Behemoths made a trade in theory! Do you get it? Get what I'm saying?
And no, Sharvit. Before you start yelling too, I'm not advocating trading because the competition is getting better. I've trashed on Guelph for the longest time to get better. It's just that now, on a two game losing streak, and barely holding on to the last playoff spot, something needs to give.
Last week was a disaster. You think the matchup against Mars was important at the time? This one probably goes double, and you literally were worst scorer of the matchup. If this matchup were the NFL Entry Draft, you'd be Mr. Irrelevant, except worse, because nobody is taking you to the fucking beach. If this was Sunnyvale Trailer Park, you'd be Cory and Trevor. If this was Garrison, Colorado, you'd be Colt Bennett's football career. If this was The Office, you'd be the Michael Scott Paper Company. If this was a court of law, you'd be the OJ Simpson prosecutor. If this was the YGFHL, you'd be the Mars Martians. Let me put it this way; if this was the playoffs, you'd be the San Jose Sharks. I'd go on, but I can't think of any more, and it's starting to hurt my heart just thinking of the last one. Anyways, this was not the time to lose, and you did. Brad Marchand (41.8) and David Pastrnak (30.4) came in clutch, but Tuuka Rask (2.8) did not, going 2-3 over the course of a long, long matchup. God, I hate long matchups. Anyways, I remember bagging on someone (maybe North Korea) for their lower scoring players failing to do anything. This was very much the case last matchup. I'm not going to do the math, but feel free to (unless it proves me wrong, in which case forget I even said anything).
So then you might ask, how do I fix this? Well, for starters, you should never have
Next week is probably your best chance to prove you mean business. De facto league leader (in points and wins) Hamilton is next up on the list.
This is the first I'm writing since we had dinner some three weeks ago. You said you haven't been able to read the Power Rankings because of the stupid privacy settings I have on them. You won't read this one either, but not for the same reason.
Reason for despair: Balter, gimme your fucken smokes.
#4 • LAS VEGAS VIPERS • 4-11
Ok there, hotshot. Beginner's luck is a thing, now let's see what you're made of.
New owner Jeffrey Gould got right into it, making deals and not fucking benching his players. Gould fired GM Jarmo Kilkenny for incompetence, replacing him with former coach John Tortellini. It's definitely an interesting move, considering Tortellini's lack of management experience, but the uptight fucker got to work on a few trades already. Meanwhile, Vegas coach Mike Babsocks — who legally changed his name from Blake Mabcock last week — appears to be safe from unemployment (seriously, do people actually think he'll ever be fired?), speaking with the media on the subject Friday.
"It's not about me. It's about the team, the players. These guys are tired, we just relocated across the globe. These guys are hungry, we're 4-11 now and haven't been in the playoffs for a few years there since Red Deer. I spoke with Jeff, he believes in me. But it's more than that. I believe in the boys, he believes in the boys. We're all in, now."
Evan Presement had the plan. He had the keepers. He had the prospects. But now, Jeff Gould has the team. Is it playoffs time? That remains to be seen. But more importantly, will I find something funny to end this paragraph with? No, absolutely not.
Las Vegas came in clutch, defeating the Guelph Gryphons en route to their second win in as many matchups. Don't look now, but these guys might be for real. A committee was the way here, with six players topping 30 this week. Newly acquired Alex Ovechkin was notably good, scoring twice and notching six points. Conversely, the blueline looks like it could use a touch-up, that's for sure. Now that Drew Doughty has taken off for greener pastures (yes, I killed him, that's what "greener pastures" implies), they're down to PK Subban, Alec Martinez, Douglas Hamilton, Nick Leddy, and Jared Spurgeon as the only relevant players back there. Yeepers. Nada gouda.
The hockey gods were not kind this week, either. Steven Stamkos is still injured with whatever the fuck is wrong with him this time, and Patrice Bergeron is day-to-day with like a collapsed lung or something, but the Vipers can now add recently-acquired Conor Sheary, who hurt his upper... left, middle boob muscle, I don't fucking know, it's some upper-body injury. Going back a few weeks, the club waited on injuries to Subban, Mika Zibanejad, Jake Allen, and Bobby Ryan and Mike Hoffman — the latter two of which stayed on the IR much longer than they were injured for. I remember that, that was funny. I wrote about it, like, twice in the PR. Two separate times over a span of two weeks.
Next week, Halifax. Let's see if you're ready to hang with the big boys (oh my god I can't believe I called me one of the big boys I have to go tell everyone I know holy fuck this is huge!!).
Reason for hope: This is a pretty fucked up league.
#3 • GRAND RAPIDS GOATS • 11-4
This is maybe the greatest thing ever.
Les Purples have lost their third consecutive matchup, and have conceded first place to Hamilton.
So why are they 3rd, Dan? Bias much?
Well, no. Halifax is one game back, and are on a win streak of 5. They've also outscored Grand Rapids each week since the losing streak began. GM Rob Surrey is in a pickle here: does he drop everything and stack up, possibly screwing Grand Rapids for the future? It's very difficult to maintain just 5 keepers while gearing up for the playoffs. Halifax and Hamilton seem to have taken the "full steam ahead" approach, although the Sharvit Squad seems to be trying to balance both.
It's a tough choice, no question, but are the defending champions ready to defend? Or were they a one trick fat horse? I know that's not the saying, I added a word, but I don't like Grand Rapids. So fuck them, and fuck you too.
It's Friday, and I've degenerated into my "hurry-up" writing style. This is as good as the PR is going to be this week. It's all downhill from here.
It was the Tavares and McDavid show this week. John Tavares (55.2) was the third highest scoring player this week, and I'm sure he would have appreciated some help from teammates. The Goats got of to a slow start, which Halifax jumped on right away. By the time the second week of the matchup rolled around, it was well out of reach (although Voys owner Dan Ronel didn't seem to think so, actually going on to predict a comeback win for GR). Upper management is apparently especially furious with the recent stretch of play. The Goats have only been through two coaches and two GMs, firing Sean Crombardi and Darren Stutter during the 2015 offseason. However, coach Cole Tannenville was quick to quash any rumours that owner Adam Stier was looking to make changes.
"Rumours? I don't know of any rumours. I think [Stier] would have mentioned something to me if he was considering any personnel changes. It's a bit of a losing streak, so what? Happens to everybody. I know these guys. They're determined to get one back over to the W column. We're a perennial contender. We just won the Max Sky Cup, for chrissake. You do what you want to earn your paycheck, starting these rumours. But I'm not playing ball, there's your quote."
There you have it. No changes, with a side of salt. Stier could change his mind quickly with another loss, but with Mars listed as their opponent, I wouldn't count on it.
Reason for hope: Your schedule.
#2 • HALIFAX VOYAGEURS • 10-5
In the words of Gina Linetti, "Smiley face emoji."
Things are looking up, my friend. You've got an awesome coach in (quickly scrambles to find name of coach) — okay, so, apparently I never hired a new one after firing Ed Nolan, so I'm gonna pretend I had one all along. Let's go with... Glen Guluten-Free, that's kinda funny and I came up with it off the top of my head on my own without help from any outside sources. Anyways, you've got an awesome coach in Guluten-Free, way too many keepers, the best goalies and defence in the league, and a 5-game winning streak to boot. You're basically the team to beat, if there were only five teams in the league.
It's also nice that you're done facing the Goats and only have one more meeting with the Huskies. Facing lower teams is usually a recipe for success, unless those teams are in a playoff race. Well, good thing you're mostly playing Mars and Las Vegas.
For the second time in three matchups, the Voys manhandled Grand Rapids, making short work of the former league leaders. Connor McDavid (52.1) stole the show in his farewell performance, with three bangers and six apples over ten days. Halifax frustrated early with a devastating cycle in the offensive zone, leaving the Goats struggling to get the puck. Coach Guluten-Free has implemented the cycle similar to how Pete DeBeer used to with the San Francisco Piranhas in the NFHL, and it has worked wonders. The goaltending was — as per usual — top notch, leaving Goats forward Johnny Gaudreau shaking his head on multiple chances. Second highest scorer is not bad, but you gotta strive for first. I mean, if you don't win every single week and every single month and every single year at every single thing you do, ever, you might as well kill yourself right now. Because nobody likes a loser, especially one who loses a lot, like losers do. Isn't that right, Sharvit?
Dark humour aside, things are finally looking up for this once-glorified franchise, who — in just their first year of existence — made the playoffs in a league where 67% of the teams make the playoffs. Well, it may finally be time to make the playoffs again. A win against Las Vegas this week would clinch.
Reason for hope: You and Balter are having dinner again, which means you get to play with all those reminders again! Yes!
#1 • HAMILTON HUSKIES • 12-3
Gosh Sharvit, nobody likes a sore winner.
Once again, Hamilton was highest scorer against the league's now-worst team. Whoop-de-doo. The real interesting thing here is how much they scored. 697.5 is great, even over ten days. If you adjust for regular matchup length, that's almost a 500 week. Darn you, Sharvit! Darn you! (Echoes like evil villain whose evil plot has just been foiled)
Not one, not two, but three motherfuckers from Hamilton topped 50 this week, including the top two scorers of the week. Guess which team all three played for. Did you guess Washington or Dallas? Probably not, although he had more than three players from those two teams this week as well. No, of course you guessed the Penguins. I'm done warning you, man. I don't know why I do it. Maybe I'm just that nice. Maybe I'm super gullible. Maybe it's what I'm paid to do as a journalist (lol jk, but seriously tho). Maybe it has already. Evgeni Malkin (58.5) continued to be heavily relied upon by the Huskies, and will be sorely and hugely missed. He is injured with the... the thing that he usually hurts. Back? No, that's Letang. Concussion? No, that's Crosby. Punctured lung? No, that's Bergeron. Mumps? No, that's Anaheim.
This was as easy as any matchup will come. GM (wait, it's not Baloney... crap, who is it? Umm... ok so I talked to Sharvit, and apparently it is Baloney) Ron Baloney has worked hard to keep up with all the trading that's gone on recently — not because the team needs improving, but just "cause boss said so," in his own words. Uhhh, Sharvit? You sure you don't want a new GM? There are plenty still around. Jean Legstrom, maybe? He's been unemployed since Mark fired him, he comes with his own pecan pie recipe. C'mon, man. Just go for it. We want Baloney gone. He's a shitty negotiator. He uses things like statistics that make it seem like it's a fair trade. He's a bad GM and he takes advantage of us and makes your team shit; trust me, he's bad bad, like not good bad. Although... he's also good bad as well. To quote Gina Linetti, "Angry face with devil horns emoji."
Next week is Guelph. I'd say watch out, but I think you know how to win. Five in a row is plenty man, just slow down.
Reason for hope: Just win another fucking time, why don't you? Fuck.