Post by GoVoysGo on Jan 13, 2017 14:57:23 GMT -5
These boards will be used for the weekly power rankings. I thought it would be nice to suggest how this league appears to shape up ahead of this upcoming season. I will be posting the weekly power rankings in one part each week. There will be no bottom half first part, also known as the glass half full half, nor the MC Hammer second portion (Too Legit too Quit). If you get offended that is OK we weren't going to spend Christmas together anyways. For the 2016-17 season, I'll be doing the rankings in reverse. I'm not sure if it's supposed to build suspension, or just because writers tend to save the best for last, but I'm going to follow suit. If you don't like it, go fuck yourself.
The new template is more or less the same as before. Lowest teams are listed first. Rank, team name, and record are listed, followed by the weekly report for that team, and Reason for hope. Omitted will be MVP and LVP. Anyways, enjoy!
The grammar will be bad and if you feel the need to point that out please be prepared to make a fist with your right hand and shake it back and forth so you can visualize my response to those complaints.
The Power Rankings are composed based on performance, record, and a glance at the team rosters...........
And finally, please have fun with these as I intend to, and try to ignore the fact that I copied the beginning of Clint J. Gritt's weekly power rankings from the Triple Play Dynasty baseball league.
#6 • MARS MARTIANS • 3-10
And the jokes are back!
Now that someone is finally updating the Komodos, I'm just preemptively ranking the M's 6th before they inevitably lose to NK next week.
I'm feeling a pep talk coming. Much like Evan Presement, owner Isaac Reich is scrambling to keep up with the rest of the league. Dude. You've got to make some trades. Trade Kucherov. Trade Zuccarello. Trade Anisimov before he cools down. Trade Staal. Definitely trade Neal and Barkov; it might be difficult to part with them, but they aren't helping you by being injured.
You're two games back from the playoffs, but we also have nine weeks remaining. You must ask yourself: am I a playoff team? If you aren't sure of the answer, it may be time to trade away some pieces and regroup for next year. This is as good a year as any to rebuild, with expansion and all. Take advantage of the expansion draft. Help out some playoff teams while upgrading your top-end keepers. It's a strategy everyone is going to try to implement, but you have the distinct advantage of not needing your depth or your low-end keepers for a playoff run. Start now, because by the time the playoffs are done, everyone will be trying, and nobody will be succeeding.
Last year, Mars made significant leaps and bounds, defeating the outgoing champion of the previous four years en route to a close Finals loss to Grand Rapids. The franchise, previously located in San Antonio, Guelph, Flint, and Cincinnati, had never won a playoff series before. The Martians looked poised to return this year, but it all fell apart.
Now, it would be unfair to fault Reich or GM Steve Xzerman for the fall from grace. I mean, look at some of Xzerman's projects. Pekka Rinne? Sporting an unsatisfactory 4.9 fantasy points per game, Rinne is just the 15th ranked goaltender this year. Anze Kopitar? 18 points in 35 games is not what anyone was expecting. Filip Forsberg? Need I even say anything? (By the way, DO NOT trade Forsberg. He's starting to heat up, and hopefully will return to his normal soon.)
Now, that doesn't mean that this was unexpected. Several people (myself included) lambasted Reich and Xzerman for some of their keepers selections. Nikita Kucherov and Phil Kessel were snags (which Xzerman promptly undid by trading Kessel for Kopitar and Jonathan Toews), but there was a major weakness down the middle. Alexander Barkov and Forsberg — while both solid keepers — are not guys to build a fantasy team around.
Also, I think it's time to drop Mike Cammalleri. Yeah, he got 14 points in an 8 game span. Well, he's now down to 3.7 fantasy points per game. There are too many options in free agency to justify holding onto him.
Get to work, buddy. Trade up, or strengthen. But status quo is not the way to go.
Reason for hope: Man, you never talk to me. I dunno how your life is going. If it's good, you might not even need a reason for hope! Then again, if it's going shit, hang in there buddy. It gets better (and then you lose 50 bucks).
#5 • NORTH KOREA KOMODOS • 2-11
You're done.
The league (me) has suspended owner Evan Presement and has seized control of the team. Hey, maybe they'll win one, right?
Deputy commissioner Dan Ronel (still me) has taken over operations for the team, including updating, trading, and managing staff. Executive commissioner Adam Stier has contacted Jeff Gould about prematurely obtaining the franchise. It is rumoured that Gould will agree to the request, but nothing is confirmed.
I've never met Evan, nor have we spoken in a considerable amount of time, so for a third week in a row the humour content will be severely lacking.
A recent survey — in which several hundreds of people were approached — suggests that the Komodos are absolute fucking shit. Yeah, I'm taking stats this semester, so there will be a lot more where that came from.
The players that actually ended up in the lineup this week did pretty well, actually. James van Riemsdyk ripped it up with a sparkling 38.3 fantasy points. Cory Schneider (33.1 FPTS) earned two wins, including a 3-0 shutout against Boston. In fact, had the Dictators updated, they probably could have beaten (or at least come close to beating) the red-hot Hamilton Huskies, who have now won three in a row.
There's not much to say that I haven't said in previous weeks. I hate doling out short PR sections — especially right after a much larger one immediately above — but there is really nothing new going on here. The big news for NK is the ownership story, but I think I've played it out enough.
Now, I think it's time for me to get two wins this week.
Reason for hope: Yours truly.
#4 • GUELPH GRYPHONS • 5-8
Must be nice to win for a change.
Despite a recent stretch of losses, Guelph has remained in the final playoff position. The team hot on their tail — Mars — sat only one game back, setting up an interesting matchup this week. Suffice to say, this was probably the most important matchup Guelph has had thus far, and they made the most of it.
Placing 3rd in overall scoring boosts morale even more in lieu of this win, clearing the Grand Rapids Goats for a top-half placement by 5.6 fantasy points. This is the type of performance the Quidditch Crew needs to put in if they want to go far.
Okay, my apologies to Balter, but I've stared at that last blurb for 24 hours now. I've hit writer's block. I'm going to move on from your team after a quick recap.
Michael Grabner (48.6 FPTS) apparently got a hat trick on Saturday, ll — contrary to what my recently-reinstanted news ticker says (the "latest news guy" at ESPN missed it too when he did Grabner's news) — to lead the way, while Patrik Laine (32.2 FPTS) notched 2 goals, 4 assists, and 1 concussion. He got lucky though; premature rumours suggest that he might miss as little as two weeks. For a concussion, that's either incredible or insanely dangerous. The Gryphs hope he returns to full health soon, and the Winning Jets REALLY hope he returns to full health soon.
Guelph returns home for two games, and they're both crucial: up next are the Halifax Voyageurs, followed by the Hamilton Huskies. Chances of making the playoffs have shifted from very possible to basically a given. Now it's time to prove you can win a series or two.
Reason for hope: There are two really bad teams in this league. It's cliché, but that's all you're getting.
#3 • HALIFAX VOYAGEURS • 8-5
PSYCH!
Despite dropping major hints that I'd be ranking Halifax first, I have decided to stay true to my new self, one that is determined to being honest and unbiased and accurat... actually I ranked Hamilton first.
Two weeks ago, I challenged the Voyageurs to defeat the last team they hadn't already beaten — the only team that has yet to be beaten (no Sharvit, put your hand down, I will not be taking questions or comments). They came through in a big way, earning highest scorer and putting Les Purples in their rightful place (yeah, fuck you Stier).
Fun fact: since beating the Goats, Halifax now has the longest active win streak with three consecutive victories. The Huskies also have three wins in a row (but I'm special).
This week, it was a team effort, with Evgeny Kuznetsov (31.8), Alex Steen (27.8), Mitchell Marner (26), Jesus McChrist (26.6), and Brent Burns (24.5) coming through. It needed to be, against a top-tier opponent like Grand Rapids.
It's Thursday as I type this. That's more than enough content.
Reason for hope: Ask Stier. He came up with a pretty good one.
#2 • HAMILTON HUSKIES • 10-3
Keep rolling with the good times.
Hamilton has won again, beating the YGFHL punching bag, North Korea. Shea Weber had a week to remember, tallying a goal and 4 apples for 34.6 fantasy points. Max Pacioretty added 4 goals, Duncan Keith added 4 assists, and John Carlson put up 2 of each.
Owner Adam Sharvit has recently taken an extended vacation due to his team's success. Only problem? His sister-in-law stuck him with her son the whole time. I mean, who the fuck sends their infant child to Aruba with their sister's husband? Sharvit reportedly "didn't mind," taking the poor thing all over the island country.
A recent study has concluded that I'm stalling because I don't know what the fuck to talk about.
I'm ziplining through these, as I'm sure you've noticed. I don't know why, but this week has been just terrible for me. I can't think of anything. The Sharvit Squad is good; we know as much. They're arguably better than Grand Rapids, and now they're only one game back from the league leaders. What else can I say?
Oh yeah, they'll have a chance to prove they're better next week (oh, who am I kidding — this week), as they host the Goats for the final time in the regular season.
Reason for hope: Well, I've been watching Futurama for the last two hours to clear my writer's block and also to block out the sounds of my roommate (and future YGFHL owner) boning presumably some goddamn model, so pardon me if I don't feel very hopeful about anything at this moment.
#1 • GRAND RAPIDS GOATS • 11-2
Dude, do you really think I'm that petty?
Despite losing for the first time in 11 weeks — as well as placing in the bottom half in scoring for the first time in 11 weeks — the Goats are still undeniably the team to beat. They've got a solid roster, deep at all positions. They've got a shrewd operator at the helm in coach Tannenville. Also Stier is there.
Despite heroics by star 'tender Braden Holtby (41.9), Grand Rapids fought off defeat as long as they could. Unfortunately, they ran out of time. They did, however, stage a magnifique comeback, but that's relatively old news. Blah blah blah, Grand Rapids makes another goddamn comeback, nearly wins matchup. Can I get my paycheque already?
Now, before I finish this off, I'd like to apologize. I know there are plenty of times where I'll joke around about not having anything to talk about. That's mostly filler, and I do it because I'd rather get my late PR edition out by Tuesday than sit on it, agonizing over each part, until goddamn Friday. And also because I want to save some jokes for the next week, so I get a lazy. This isn't one of those times. I am truly struggling to get words out right now. This is very likely the worst edition of my PR ever, and I sincerely appreciate it if you made it this far.
As a thank you, I'm going to include something I hinted at last week. You'll see it in a moment.
As for you, Mr. Stier, your life is not about to get any easier. Hamilton awaits, and they're probably the worst team you could face at this point. Eh, what the hell, it's already Friday as I'm typing this. By now, the score is 286.6-185.2, meaning that you've been lapped. I know we have the "Stier Weekend Special" reccuring joke, but you should honestly feel worried. You're probably going to lose this matchup, which makes me really, really, really fucking happy.
Reason for hope: Cause you're a motherfucking scorpion, that's why.
Now, here's the thank you. And yes, it will return to future PR editions.
DAN'S THREE STARS OF THE WEEK
★ Michael Grabner — 5G, 2A, +8, 48.6 FPTS
★★ Evgeny Kuznetsov — G, 5A, 31.8 FPTS
★★★ Braden Holtby — 2 W, 2 SO, 0.955 SV%, 41.9 FPTS
The new template is more or less the same as before. Lowest teams are listed first. Rank, team name, and record are listed, followed by the weekly report for that team, and Reason for hope. Omitted will be MVP and LVP. Anyways, enjoy!
The grammar will be bad and if you feel the need to point that out please be prepared to make a fist with your right hand and shake it back and forth so you can visualize my response to those complaints.
The Power Rankings are composed based on performance, record, and a glance at the team rosters...........
And finally, please have fun with these as I intend to, and try to ignore the fact that I copied the beginning of Clint J. Gritt's weekly power rankings from the Triple Play Dynasty baseball league.
#6 • MARS MARTIANS • 3-10
And the jokes are back!
Now that someone is finally updating the Komodos, I'm just preemptively ranking the M's 6th before they inevitably lose to NK next week.
I'm feeling a pep talk coming. Much like Evan Presement, owner Isaac Reich is scrambling to keep up with the rest of the league. Dude. You've got to make some trades. Trade Kucherov. Trade Zuccarello. Trade Anisimov before he cools down. Trade Staal. Definitely trade Neal and Barkov; it might be difficult to part with them, but they aren't helping you by being injured.
You're two games back from the playoffs, but we also have nine weeks remaining. You must ask yourself: am I a playoff team? If you aren't sure of the answer, it may be time to trade away some pieces and regroup for next year. This is as good a year as any to rebuild, with expansion and all. Take advantage of the expansion draft. Help out some playoff teams while upgrading your top-end keepers. It's a strategy everyone is going to try to implement, but you have the distinct advantage of not needing your depth or your low-end keepers for a playoff run. Start now, because by the time the playoffs are done, everyone will be trying, and nobody will be succeeding.
Last year, Mars made significant leaps and bounds, defeating the outgoing champion of the previous four years en route to a close Finals loss to Grand Rapids. The franchise, previously located in San Antonio, Guelph, Flint, and Cincinnati, had never won a playoff series before. The Martians looked poised to return this year, but it all fell apart.
Now, it would be unfair to fault Reich or GM Steve Xzerman for the fall from grace. I mean, look at some of Xzerman's projects. Pekka Rinne? Sporting an unsatisfactory 4.9 fantasy points per game, Rinne is just the 15th ranked goaltender this year. Anze Kopitar? 18 points in 35 games is not what anyone was expecting. Filip Forsberg? Need I even say anything? (By the way, DO NOT trade Forsberg. He's starting to heat up, and hopefully will return to his normal soon.)
Now, that doesn't mean that this was unexpected. Several people (myself included) lambasted Reich and Xzerman for some of their keepers selections. Nikita Kucherov and Phil Kessel were snags (which Xzerman promptly undid by trading Kessel for Kopitar and Jonathan Toews), but there was a major weakness down the middle. Alexander Barkov and Forsberg — while both solid keepers — are not guys to build a fantasy team around.
Also, I think it's time to drop Mike Cammalleri. Yeah, he got 14 points in an 8 game span. Well, he's now down to 3.7 fantasy points per game. There are too many options in free agency to justify holding onto him.
Get to work, buddy. Trade up, or strengthen. But status quo is not the way to go.
Reason for hope: Man, you never talk to me. I dunno how your life is going. If it's good, you might not even need a reason for hope! Then again, if it's going shit, hang in there buddy. It gets better (and then you lose 50 bucks).
#5 • NORTH KOREA KOMODOS • 2-11
You're done.
The league (me) has suspended owner Evan Presement and has seized control of the team. Hey, maybe they'll win one, right?
Deputy commissioner Dan Ronel (still me) has taken over operations for the team, including updating, trading, and managing staff. Executive commissioner Adam Stier has contacted Jeff Gould about prematurely obtaining the franchise. It is rumoured that Gould will agree to the request, but nothing is confirmed.
I've never met Evan, nor have we spoken in a considerable amount of time, so for a third week in a row the humour content will be severely lacking.
A recent survey — in which several hundreds of people were approached — suggests that the Komodos are absolute fucking shit. Yeah, I'm taking stats this semester, so there will be a lot more where that came from.
The players that actually ended up in the lineup this week did pretty well, actually. James van Riemsdyk ripped it up with a sparkling 38.3 fantasy points. Cory Schneider (33.1 FPTS) earned two wins, including a 3-0 shutout against Boston. In fact, had the Dictators updated, they probably could have beaten (or at least come close to beating) the red-hot Hamilton Huskies, who have now won three in a row.
There's not much to say that I haven't said in previous weeks. I hate doling out short PR sections — especially right after a much larger one immediately above — but there is really nothing new going on here. The big news for NK is the ownership story, but I think I've played it out enough.
Now, I think it's time for me to get two wins this week.
Reason for hope: Yours truly.
#4 • GUELPH GRYPHONS • 5-8
Must be nice to win for a change.
Despite a recent stretch of losses, Guelph has remained in the final playoff position. The team hot on their tail — Mars — sat only one game back, setting up an interesting matchup this week. Suffice to say, this was probably the most important matchup Guelph has had thus far, and they made the most of it.
Placing 3rd in overall scoring boosts morale even more in lieu of this win, clearing the Grand Rapids Goats for a top-half placement by 5.6 fantasy points. This is the type of performance the Quidditch Crew needs to put in if they want to go far.
Okay, my apologies to Balter, but I've stared at that last blurb for 24 hours now. I've hit writer's block. I'm going to move on from your team after a quick recap.
Michael Grabner (48.6 FPTS) apparently got a hat trick on Saturday, ll — contrary to what my recently-reinstanted news ticker says (the "latest news guy" at ESPN missed it too when he did Grabner's news) — to lead the way, while Patrik Laine (32.2 FPTS) notched 2 goals, 4 assists, and 1 concussion. He got lucky though; premature rumours suggest that he might miss as little as two weeks. For a concussion, that's either incredible or insanely dangerous. The Gryphs hope he returns to full health soon, and the Winning Jets REALLY hope he returns to full health soon.
Guelph returns home for two games, and they're both crucial: up next are the Halifax Voyageurs, followed by the Hamilton Huskies. Chances of making the playoffs have shifted from very possible to basically a given. Now it's time to prove you can win a series or two.
Reason for hope: There are two really bad teams in this league. It's cliché, but that's all you're getting.
#3 • HALIFAX VOYAGEURS • 8-5
PSYCH!
Despite dropping major hints that I'd be ranking Halifax first, I have decided to stay true to my new self, one that is determined to being honest and unbiased and accurat... actually I ranked Hamilton first.
Two weeks ago, I challenged the Voyageurs to defeat the last team they hadn't already beaten — the only team that has yet to be beaten (no Sharvit, put your hand down, I will not be taking questions or comments). They came through in a big way, earning highest scorer and putting Les Purples in their rightful place (yeah, fuck you Stier).
Fun fact: since beating the Goats, Halifax now has the longest active win streak with three consecutive victories. The Huskies also have three wins in a row (but I'm special).
This week, it was a team effort, with Evgeny Kuznetsov (31.8), Alex Steen (27.8), Mitchell Marner (26), Jesus McChrist (26.6), and Brent Burns (24.5) coming through. It needed to be, against a top-tier opponent like Grand Rapids.
It's Thursday as I type this. That's more than enough content.
Reason for hope: Ask Stier. He came up with a pretty good one.
#2 • HAMILTON HUSKIES • 10-3
Keep rolling with the good times.
Hamilton has won again, beating the YGFHL punching bag, North Korea. Shea Weber had a week to remember, tallying a goal and 4 apples for 34.6 fantasy points. Max Pacioretty added 4 goals, Duncan Keith added 4 assists, and John Carlson put up 2 of each.
Owner Adam Sharvit has recently taken an extended vacation due to his team's success. Only problem? His sister-in-law stuck him with her son the whole time. I mean, who the fuck sends their infant child to Aruba with their sister's husband? Sharvit reportedly "didn't mind," taking the poor thing all over the island country.
A recent study has concluded that I'm stalling because I don't know what the fuck to talk about.
I'm ziplining through these, as I'm sure you've noticed. I don't know why, but this week has been just terrible for me. I can't think of anything. The Sharvit Squad is good; we know as much. They're arguably better than Grand Rapids, and now they're only one game back from the league leaders. What else can I say?
Oh yeah, they'll have a chance to prove they're better next week (oh, who am I kidding — this week), as they host the Goats for the final time in the regular season.
Reason for hope: Well, I've been watching Futurama for the last two hours to clear my writer's block and also to block out the sounds of my roommate (and future YGFHL owner) boning presumably some goddamn model, so pardon me if I don't feel very hopeful about anything at this moment.
#1 • GRAND RAPIDS GOATS • 11-2
Dude, do you really think I'm that petty?
Despite losing for the first time in 11 weeks — as well as placing in the bottom half in scoring for the first time in 11 weeks — the Goats are still undeniably the team to beat. They've got a solid roster, deep at all positions. They've got a shrewd operator at the helm in coach Tannenville. Also Stier is there.
Despite heroics by star 'tender Braden Holtby (41.9), Grand Rapids fought off defeat as long as they could. Unfortunately, they ran out of time. They did, however, stage a magnifique comeback, but that's relatively old news. Blah blah blah, Grand Rapids makes another goddamn comeback, nearly wins matchup. Can I get my paycheque already?
Now, before I finish this off, I'd like to apologize. I know there are plenty of times where I'll joke around about not having anything to talk about. That's mostly filler, and I do it because I'd rather get my late PR edition out by Tuesday than sit on it, agonizing over each part, until goddamn Friday. And also because I want to save some jokes for the next week, so I get a lazy. This isn't one of those times. I am truly struggling to get words out right now. This is very likely the worst edition of my PR ever, and I sincerely appreciate it if you made it this far.
As a thank you, I'm going to include something I hinted at last week. You'll see it in a moment.
As for you, Mr. Stier, your life is not about to get any easier. Hamilton awaits, and they're probably the worst team you could face at this point. Eh, what the hell, it's already Friday as I'm typing this. By now, the score is 286.6-185.2, meaning that you've been lapped. I know we have the "Stier Weekend Special" reccuring joke, but you should honestly feel worried. You're probably going to lose this matchup, which makes me really, really, really fucking happy.
Reason for hope: Cause you're a motherfucking scorpion, that's why.
Now, here's the thank you. And yes, it will return to future PR editions.
DAN'S THREE STARS OF THE WEEK
★ Michael Grabner — 5G, 2A, +8, 48.6 FPTS
★★ Evgeny Kuznetsov — G, 5A, 31.8 FPTS
★★★ Braden Holtby — 2 W, 2 SO, 0.955 SV%, 41.9 FPTS