Post by GoVoysGo on Nov 20, 2014 11:15:24 GMT -5
These boards will be used for the weekly power rankings. I thought it would be nice to suggest how this league appears to shape up ahead of this upcoming season. I will be posting the weekly power rankings in one part each week. There will be no bottom half first part, also known as the glass half full half, nor the MC Hammer second portion (Too Legit too Quit). If you get offended that is OK we weren't going to spend Christmas together anyways.
The grammar will be bad and if you feel the need to point that out please be prepared to make a fist with your right hand and shake it back and forth so you can visualize my response to those complaints.
The Power Rankings are composed based on performance, record, and a glance at the team rosters...........
I have given the number rank a colour based on how the team is trending: green (trending up), red (trending down, like my math marks over the years), and gray (consistent... or you simply can't become more extreme, either first or worst). THE RANK ITSELF IS NOT REFLECTIVE OF THIS.
THIS WEEK, I WILL PROVIDE THE MVPs, BUT NOT THE STATISTICS! THIS IS BECAUSE I AM IN A RUSH!
And finally, please have fun with these as I intend to, and try to ignore the fact that I copied the beginning of Clint J. Gritt's weekly power rankings from the Triple Play Dynasty baseball league.
#1 GRAND RAPIDS GOATS (1) 5-1
Now that’s what I call a comeback.
This turned from a snoozefest into a solid matchup. The Blizz had recovered from an early deficit to take a commanding lead. Grand Rapids Goats coach Stutter decided to take on the challenge of climbing back up the mountain, and they reached the summit.
Now, it wasn’t exactly Mount Everest, but it was a solid comeback nonetheless. We’ll call it… Mt. Kilimanjaro.
I digress; after trailing 169 - 134.5, with three days to compete, the Goats bounced back in a big way, outscoring Milwaukee by 77.4 points.
The final score was GR 353.6 - 310.7 MIL.
Ummm... [Goats GM Sean] Combardi, when I told you (a few weeks ago, after Grand Rapids lost to Red Deer) to trade “Stamkos, Crosby, everyone,” I wasn’t serious.
Oh, and by the way, establishing dominance is really easy to fake when you pick up a fucking rookie forty-five save shutout.
No, I’m not kidding. Tony Grosenick’s debut shutout makes up for more than half of the difference in scores.
To thank Tony for his hard work, owner Adam Stier promptly releases him back into free agency. Nice.
I guess I should cut some slack to the young owner. It is his 17th birthday (at least, it is as I type this). He will likely celebrate with a victory over the Hamilton Huskies.
MVP: CAREY PRICE HOLY FUCK GO LOOK AT HIS STATS
Reason for hope: If Stier’s international business presentation indicates anything, it’s that he spends way too much time on fantasy hockey, which is a great thing for the Grand Rapids Goats.
#2 RED DEER BLADES (2) 3-2
It appears Red Deer stole Jerry Krotz’s “that was easy” button.
The assassins have just re-whacked the Blazers, a team that — honestly — doesn’t really need any whacking.
Then again, like the cleverly constructed Cards Against Humanity black card-white card combo, “Multiple stab wounds; bet you can’t have just one!”
GET THIS FUCKER OFF THE STAGE!
Apparently the sun does shine on the same dogs’ ass every day… for three weeks now. That’s right; the Red Deer Blades have bagged their third weekly Art Ross Trophy in a row. Not only is that a record for most Art Ross Trophies in a row, but it is also a record for most Art Ross Trophies, and only Art Ross Trophies (at least, I’ve never seen it be awarded before).
I must applaud you on your hard work, Kolland. Now, I advise you trade Hornqvist, Lehtera, Tarasenko, Forsberg, Franzen, Franson, Faulk, MacArthur… do it while you can get a NASTY big reward. I’m sure at least Hornqvist and Tarasenko will continue to play well, but fantasy-point-per-game respective totals of 8.4 and 8.1 are a bit unrealistic even for the likes of Crosby, Ovechkin, Malkin, Stamkos, Tavares, and others in the top echelons of hockey. Use these hot pieces to net cornerstone franchise players. I think Grand Rapids has a massive wave of them, like minimum 7.
At this point, every team has clashed with every other team (SEAvRD, GRvMIL, HAMvDAL all have happened twice). Red Deer has beaten three of the teams (they beat Seattle twice) in Grand Rapids, Milwaukee, and Seattle, and lost to two in Dallas and Hamilton.
As they finish steamrolling the Blazers, they move on to Dallas. I would suggest that the Blades are looking for revenge, but wasn’t Mackinnon for Tavares revenge enough?
MVP: Kevin Shattenkirk
Reason for hope: Owner Mark Korodetz recently complained about his teams’ lack of failure. No, that wasn’t a typo. While it still remains to be seen if he was joking or not — judging by his trophy case size, the answer may surprise everyone — this is great news for Red Deer fans, who are buying enough tickets to fund a new one.
#3 MILWAUKEE BLIZZARDS (3) 3-3
I’m pretty understanding. I get that you faced Grand Rapids. I won’t penalize you for that.
I will, however, warn you to get your act together. There are some power players making some power moves, and have been shooting up these power rankings.
In fact, the Blizz are no longer in the top three in the league, based off of team records. They stay in my top three because (other than the Grand Rapids excuse) Hamilton did play Dallas.
We know McEnroy, and McEnroy doesn’t panic. The young general manager still must have some tricks up his sleeve (hopefully no more card tricks, because they confuse Isaac).
Owner Shmuel Kantor laid low this week, not doing anything stupidly funny enough to make fun of. THIS ISN’T OVER!
This past week, it was as if the Milwaukee fans turned Jewish, and the Van Andel Arena (the one the Goats call home) became Hitler’s House of Barbecue Sauce… wait, that’s not right.
Up next is Seattle. Is it too early to call them 4-3? Yes, yes it is. It might be Seattle, but we aren’t talking about Grand Rapids or Red Deer, here.
MVP: Andrei Markov
Reason for hope: It’s a really good thing your fantasy hockey skills are better than your sushi-eating skills.
#4 HAMILTON HUSKIES (4) 4-2
Now, before you complain that I ranked the Huskies 4th, maybe consider my reasoning.
IT’S CAUSE THEY SUCK!
Despite recent reports that Blake Mabcock stole Jerry Krotz’s “that was easy” button, new information suggests that they may simply have bought one at Staples, and Hamilton retained theirs.
Wow, you beat Dallas. Even I could do that (AND I DID).
GM Jon Baloney has made a flurry of trades (see: GR/SEA/HAM, RD/HAM, DAL/HAM, SEA/HAM near-trade that fell through at the last moment) recently in order to improve his team. He did rank second this week in total score, but his team still isn’t quite up to snuff.
There’s still a nagging position problem, but Baloney has done a solid job fixing it with his acquisitions succeeding the three-team trade.
The Sharvit Squad is on the verge of re-entering the top three. A miracle loss by Milwaukee could potentially offset a probable loss to Grand Rapids.
MVP: Mark Giordano
Reason for hope: I don’t know who Sharvit had to blow, but he is having Rotoworld text him their tweets and provide their services for free. That has to be some kind of unfair advantage.
#5 SEATTLE BLAZERS (5) 1-5
I will tell you what this team is. So here’s how the joke goes…
Seattle owner Daniel Ronel was blazed to death (isn’t it I-R-O-N-I-C-I-N-O-R-I-R-O-N-I-C) in a fire that officials are calling arson (by Blazer fans). The coroner was having difficulty verifying that the corpse indeed was Mr. Ronel, and decided to bring in two of Mr. Ronel’s close friends — Mark Korodetz and Shmuel Kantor — to help. Yeah, he’s a really good coroner.
First, he asked Kantor to inspect the body. The face was completely charred; nobody would recognize the corpse by face. Kantor asked the coroner to flip over the body. Confused, the coroner complied. It took all of two seconds for Kantor to decide that this wasn’t his friend.
The coroner thanked him and had him wait outside while Korodetz inspected the body. Like Kantor, Korodetz asked the coroner to flip over the body. He, too, decided that this was not Mr. Ronel. The coroner thanked him, and the two went into the meeting room (where Kantor awaited them).
The coroner asked them, “Why, after looking at his back, do you guys claim that this isn’t Mr. Ronel?”
Korodetz replied, “He only had one asshole.”
The coroner only looked more confused, so Kantor interjected, saying, “Well, usually when we walk around downtown with Mr. Ronel, everyone around us shouts, ‘Look at Mr. Ronel, with those two assholes.’”
For those of you who are either Stier or stupid, I was calling the Seattle Blazers a joke.
Oh yeah, they played this week.
After the first few days, it almost didn’t feel like they did. I can pinpoint the exact point in time this team fell apart.
Up next is Milwaukee; here we see a team desperately trying to cling onto its playoff spot clash with a team desperately trying to stay above the Dallas Diamonds.
This is your last chance to prove that you are still no. 5 worthy. You improved your team in a big way recently. Prove that this can help you achieve what you have always dreamed of: winning a matchup against a decent team.
MVP: James "JVR" van Riemsdyk
Reason for hope: You may be 1-5, but you are only two games out of a playoff spot. There’s still a ton of hockey left this year. Now is the time to catch up — while you still can and while time is on your side.
#6 DALLAS DIAMONDS (6) 1-5
Dallas perfectly fits the old adage: “inconsistency is as inconsistency does.” Or, something like that.
You might have noticed that these power rankings are identical in order to the previous week. What the fuck, man? How fucking lame is that?
Yes, it is indeed “fucking lame”. Deal with it.
Anyways, back to Dallas. This past week was supposed to be a repeat of week one. The results were absolutely identical. But none of the matches themselves were even remotely the same.
Week one saw Grand Rapids SMASH Milwaukee. This week was a much closer brawl. Seattle put up a good fight against Red Deer last time. Red Deer ran away with it, while Seattle is still unaware that the matchup started. Dallas surprised everyone by taking a very close, heartbreaking loss.
Yeah, bet you wish you could say that this time.
Alright, alright, maybe that’s a bit of an exaggeration. It was approximately a 25 point loss. Furthermore, for a while, the Diamonds were the leading scorers.
Still, that was a hard fall. Coach Sandy Fair-Isle was really not impressed, telling the media, “I thought we played okay. Just okay.” He didn’t smile, so you knew he was serious.
This is a franchise that has been known to post losing seasons, dating back to the start of the league when they resided in Flint. Fair-Isle is in his first year as the bench boss, and expectations for the team are pretty low. Still, there are rumblings around the league of a coaching change, albeit very unlikely.
All in all, something has to give, or Dallas will continue their losing ways against Red Deer next week.
MVP: Rick Nash
Reason for hope: It was smart to move out of Cincinnati and to Dallas. Your fans have been unrealistically loyal. Like, Leafs-loyal. Your business will probably continue to prosper for years to come!
The grammar will be bad and if you feel the need to point that out please be prepared to make a fist with your right hand and shake it back and forth so you can visualize my response to those complaints.
The Power Rankings are composed based on performance, record, and a glance at the team rosters...........
I have given the number rank a colour based on how the team is trending: green (trending up), red (trending down, like my math marks over the years), and gray (consistent... or you simply can't become more extreme, either first or worst). THE RANK ITSELF IS NOT REFLECTIVE OF THIS.
THIS WEEK, I WILL PROVIDE THE MVPs, BUT NOT THE STATISTICS! THIS IS BECAUSE I AM IN A RUSH!
And finally, please have fun with these as I intend to, and try to ignore the fact that I copied the beginning of Clint J. Gritt's weekly power rankings from the Triple Play Dynasty baseball league.
Now that’s what I call a comeback.
This turned from a snoozefest into a solid matchup. The Blizz had recovered from an early deficit to take a commanding lead. Grand Rapids Goats coach Stutter decided to take on the challenge of climbing back up the mountain, and they reached the summit.
Now, it wasn’t exactly Mount Everest, but it was a solid comeback nonetheless. We’ll call it… Mt. Kilimanjaro.
I digress; after trailing 169 - 134.5, with three days to compete, the Goats bounced back in a big way, outscoring Milwaukee by 77.4 points.
The final score was GR 353.6 - 310.7 MIL.
Ummm... [Goats GM Sean] Combardi, when I told you (a few weeks ago, after Grand Rapids lost to Red Deer) to trade “Stamkos, Crosby, everyone,” I wasn’t serious.
Oh, and by the way, establishing dominance is really easy to fake when you pick up a fucking rookie forty-five save shutout.
No, I’m not kidding. Tony Grosenick’s debut shutout makes up for more than half of the difference in scores.
To thank Tony for his hard work, owner Adam Stier promptly releases him back into free agency. Nice.
I guess I should cut some slack to the young owner. It is his 17th birthday (at least, it is as I type this). He will likely celebrate with a victory over the Hamilton Huskies.
MVP: CAREY PRICE HOLY FUCK GO LOOK AT HIS STATS
Reason for hope: If Stier’s international business presentation indicates anything, it’s that he spends way too much time on fantasy hockey, which is a great thing for the Grand Rapids Goats.
#2 RED DEER BLADES (2) 3-2
It appears Red Deer stole Jerry Krotz’s “that was easy” button.
The assassins have just re-whacked the Blazers, a team that — honestly — doesn’t really need any whacking.
Then again, like the cleverly constructed Cards Against Humanity black card-white card combo, “Multiple stab wounds; bet you can’t have just one!”
GET THIS FUCKER OFF THE STAGE!
Apparently the sun does shine on the same dogs’ ass every day… for three weeks now. That’s right; the Red Deer Blades have bagged their third weekly Art Ross Trophy in a row. Not only is that a record for most Art Ross Trophies in a row, but it is also a record for most Art Ross Trophies, and only Art Ross Trophies (at least, I’ve never seen it be awarded before).
I must applaud you on your hard work, Kolland. Now, I advise you trade Hornqvist, Lehtera, Tarasenko, Forsberg, Franzen, Franson, Faulk, MacArthur… do it while you can get a NASTY big reward. I’m sure at least Hornqvist and Tarasenko will continue to play well, but fantasy-point-per-game respective totals of 8.4 and 8.1 are a bit unrealistic even for the likes of Crosby, Ovechkin, Malkin, Stamkos, Tavares, and others in the top echelons of hockey. Use these hot pieces to net cornerstone franchise players. I think Grand Rapids has a massive wave of them, like minimum 7.
At this point, every team has clashed with every other team (SEAvRD, GRvMIL, HAMvDAL all have happened twice). Red Deer has beaten three of the teams (they beat Seattle twice) in Grand Rapids, Milwaukee, and Seattle, and lost to two in Dallas and Hamilton.
As they finish steamrolling the Blazers, they move on to Dallas. I would suggest that the Blades are looking for revenge, but wasn’t Mackinnon for Tavares revenge enough?
MVP: Kevin Shattenkirk
Reason for hope: Owner Mark Korodetz recently complained about his teams’ lack of failure. No, that wasn’t a typo. While it still remains to be seen if he was joking or not — judging by his trophy case size, the answer may surprise everyone — this is great news for Red Deer fans, who are buying enough tickets to fund a new one.
#3 MILWAUKEE BLIZZARDS (3) 3-3
I’m pretty understanding. I get that you faced Grand Rapids. I won’t penalize you for that.
I will, however, warn you to get your act together. There are some power players making some power moves, and have been shooting up these power rankings.
In fact, the Blizz are no longer in the top three in the league, based off of team records. They stay in my top three because (other than the Grand Rapids excuse) Hamilton did play Dallas.
We know McEnroy, and McEnroy doesn’t panic. The young general manager still must have some tricks up his sleeve (hopefully no more card tricks, because they confuse Isaac).
Owner Shmuel Kantor laid low this week, not doing anything stupidly funny enough to make fun of. THIS ISN’T OVER!
This past week, it was as if the Milwaukee fans turned Jewish, and the Van Andel Arena (the one the Goats call home) became Hitler’s House of Barbecue Sauce… wait, that’s not right.
Up next is Seattle. Is it too early to call them 4-3? Yes, yes it is. It might be Seattle, but we aren’t talking about Grand Rapids or Red Deer, here.
MVP: Andrei Markov
Reason for hope: It’s a really good thing your fantasy hockey skills are better than your sushi-eating skills.
#4 HAMILTON HUSKIES (4) 4-2
Now, before you complain that I ranked the Huskies 4th, maybe consider my reasoning.
IT’S CAUSE THEY SUCK!
Despite recent reports that Blake Mabcock stole Jerry Krotz’s “that was easy” button, new information suggests that they may simply have bought one at Staples, and Hamilton retained theirs.
Wow, you beat Dallas. Even I could do that (AND I DID).
GM Jon Baloney has made a flurry of trades (see: GR/SEA/HAM, RD/HAM, DAL/HAM, SEA/HAM near-trade that fell through at the last moment) recently in order to improve his team. He did rank second this week in total score, but his team still isn’t quite up to snuff.
There’s still a nagging position problem, but Baloney has done a solid job fixing it with his acquisitions succeeding the three-team trade.
The Sharvit Squad is on the verge of re-entering the top three. A miracle loss by Milwaukee could potentially offset a probable loss to Grand Rapids.
MVP: Mark Giordano
Reason for hope: I don’t know who Sharvit had to blow, but he is having Rotoworld text him their tweets and provide their services for free. That has to be some kind of unfair advantage.
#5 SEATTLE BLAZERS (5) 1-5
I will tell you what this team is. So here’s how the joke goes…
Seattle owner Daniel Ronel was blazed to death (isn’t it I-R-O-N-I-C-I-N-O-R-I-R-O-N-I-C) in a fire that officials are calling arson (by Blazer fans). The coroner was having difficulty verifying that the corpse indeed was Mr. Ronel, and decided to bring in two of Mr. Ronel’s close friends — Mark Korodetz and Shmuel Kantor — to help. Yeah, he’s a really good coroner.
First, he asked Kantor to inspect the body. The face was completely charred; nobody would recognize the corpse by face. Kantor asked the coroner to flip over the body. Confused, the coroner complied. It took all of two seconds for Kantor to decide that this wasn’t his friend.
The coroner thanked him and had him wait outside while Korodetz inspected the body. Like Kantor, Korodetz asked the coroner to flip over the body. He, too, decided that this was not Mr. Ronel. The coroner thanked him, and the two went into the meeting room (where Kantor awaited them).
The coroner asked them, “Why, after looking at his back, do you guys claim that this isn’t Mr. Ronel?”
Korodetz replied, “He only had one asshole.”
The coroner only looked more confused, so Kantor interjected, saying, “Well, usually when we walk around downtown with Mr. Ronel, everyone around us shouts, ‘Look at Mr. Ronel, with those two assholes.’”
For those of you who are either Stier or stupid, I was calling the Seattle Blazers a joke.
Oh yeah, they played this week.
After the first few days, it almost didn’t feel like they did. I can pinpoint the exact point in time this team fell apart.
Up next is Milwaukee; here we see a team desperately trying to cling onto its playoff spot clash with a team desperately trying to stay above the Dallas Diamonds.
This is your last chance to prove that you are still no. 5 worthy. You improved your team in a big way recently. Prove that this can help you achieve what you have always dreamed of: winning a matchup against a decent team.
MVP: James "JVR" van Riemsdyk
Reason for hope: You may be 1-5, but you are only two games out of a playoff spot. There’s still a ton of hockey left this year. Now is the time to catch up — while you still can and while time is on your side.
#6 DALLAS DIAMONDS (6) 1-5
Dallas perfectly fits the old adage: “inconsistency is as inconsistency does.” Or, something like that.
You might have noticed that these power rankings are identical in order to the previous week. What the fuck, man? How fucking lame is that?
Yes, it is indeed “fucking lame”. Deal with it.
Anyways, back to Dallas. This past week was supposed to be a repeat of week one. The results were absolutely identical. But none of the matches themselves were even remotely the same.
Week one saw Grand Rapids SMASH Milwaukee. This week was a much closer brawl. Seattle put up a good fight against Red Deer last time. Red Deer ran away with it, while Seattle is still unaware that the matchup started. Dallas surprised everyone by taking a very close, heartbreaking loss.
Yeah, bet you wish you could say that this time.
Alright, alright, maybe that’s a bit of an exaggeration. It was approximately a 25 point loss. Furthermore, for a while, the Diamonds were the leading scorers.
Still, that was a hard fall. Coach Sandy Fair-Isle was really not impressed, telling the media, “I thought we played okay. Just okay.” He didn’t smile, so you knew he was serious.
This is a franchise that has been known to post losing seasons, dating back to the start of the league when they resided in Flint. Fair-Isle is in his first year as the bench boss, and expectations for the team are pretty low. Still, there are rumblings around the league of a coaching change, albeit very unlikely.
All in all, something has to give, or Dallas will continue their losing ways against Red Deer next week.
MVP: Rick Nash
Reason for hope: It was smart to move out of Cincinnati and to Dallas. Your fans have been unrealistically loyal. Like, Leafs-loyal. Your business will probably continue to prosper for years to come!