Post by GoVoysGo on Oct 16, 2014 14:22:03 GMT -5
Grand Rapids Take Huge Hit, Multiple Players Retire
TFHN - Daniel Ronel, Oct. 16
Kalamazoo, MI • BREAKING: At the Bei Hamtin Club in Detroit, young hockey franchise owner Adam Stier sits, enjoying his time. A large Cuban cigar rests on his lips, and he lays back, soaking in the success of building a powerhouse team in Grand Rapids. His phone, a mint-condition iPhone 6, buzzes as it lays on the table in front of Stier. He picks it up, turns it on, and the cigar falls from his mouth as he gazes at the 51 notifications on his phone. Opening one of his messages, his mouth gapes open as the nightmare nobody expected he would experience unfolds in front of him. The text, from J.P. Barry — the agent of Stier's players Henrik and Daniel Sedin, — reads:
my clients henrik and daniel r retiring. they want to spend time with their families. srry.
At least, that's how I imagine it happened. The brunt of the story is that Henrik Sedin, Daniel Sedin, Jarome Iginla, Zdeno Chara, and Sidney Crosby are all retiring. The Sedins and Chara have already announced it at press conferences. Iginla has already confirmed his decision, but has yet to make it official. It is expected to be announced tomorrow at a scheduled press conference.
The four that have been accounted for all are retiring due to older age. Crosby, however, has a different story. Just last week, he broke the nail of his pinky finger, got slapped across the face, received a torn ACL on impact from a dive, and fractured his hip trying to body check the superhuman Max Pacioretty. Rumours have been swirling around that Crosby would get injured at any moment; nobody expected it to be this severe. He has not confirmed that he will be retiring, but it is very unlikely that he recovers, based on his history of recovery time. A few years ago, he was blindsided twice in two different games, and sat out a year with a concussion.
So what is Mr. Stier's master plan going forward? He tells us, "[I'm going to] keep winning. Nothing has stopped that, just a bump in the road. I just plan on beating Sharvit. And I will. Without Seguin, I'm not worried."
It remains to be seen how the players will be replaced. More on the story later.
This article is SATIRE! None of this is true.