Post by GoVoysGo on Oct 10, 2017 13:03:59 GMT -5
These boards will be used for the weekly power rankings. I thought it would be nice to suggest how this league appears to shape up ahead of this upcoming season. I will be posting the weekly power rankings in one part each week. There will be no bottom half first part, also known as the glass half full half, nor the MC Hammer second portion (Too Legit too Quit). If you get offended that is OK we weren't going to spend Christmas together anyways. For the 2016-17 season, I'll be doing the rankings in reverse. I'm not sure if it's supposed to build suspension, or just because writers tend to save the best for last, but I'm going to follow suit. If you don't like it, go fuck yourself.
Lowest teams are listed first. Rank, team name, and record are listed, followed by the weekly report for that team, MVP and LVP, and Reason for hope. I will bring back the colour-coding for team trend this year. That will be demonstrated through the rank number. Green represents an upward trend, orange represents status-quo, and red represents a downward trend.
The grammar will be bad and if you feel the need to point that out please be prepared to make a fist with your right hand and shake it back and forth so you can visualize my response to those complaints.
The Power Rankings are composed based on performance, record, and a glance at the team rosters...........
And finally, please have fun with these as I intend to, and try to ignore the fact that I copied the beginning of Clint J. Gritt's weekly power rankings from the Triple Play Dynasty baseball league.
8 - HALIFAX VOYAGEURS (0-1)
You know what? You're going to shut up, and take your goddamn medicine.
Listen, buddy. You need a rude awakening. It is now... 9:19 PM on Sunday evening, and you're the lowest scorer this week. And it isn't close, either. Cambridge has you topped by 41.0 fantasy points. Of course, there's still time to catch up, right? Sure, Rick Nash and Michael Grabner are about to lead you to glory!
YOU HAVE TWO PLAYERS, AND THEY'RE ALMOST DONE THEIR GAME!
It wasn't all bad for the Voys, though. Brandon Saad stormed into the season in a big way, despite everyone and their brother (not named Tory) counting him out. Him, Patrick Sharp, and Jonathan Toews have really been on their game. Good performances from Nick Foligno, Mark Stone, Mikko Rantanen, and Dion Phaneuf were unable to counter the dreadful play of all three goalies (who couldn't even muster a win over four starts, posting a dismal combined .882 sv%).
It is now 1:11 AM, and the matchup is over. You have squeezed out 157.9 fantasy points. This week has come to a woeful conclusion, and thus you can expect a woeful response in the Power Rankings.
The Timo Meier Project has flopped. Hischier was silent in his debut. So were Demers and Stepan in their team debut. And Luongo isn't getting younger. Was this just a rough start, an anomaly in what could be a great season? Was it statistical fluctuation, and you should soon regress back to good form? Was it just some rust from a longer-than-expected offseason following an early playoff exit? Or is this perhaps a taste of what's still to come?
Who knows, but at least you picked up Jaromir Jagr before anyone else. Phew!
After a fantastic season in 2016-17, coach Glen Gluten-free may be sitting in the hot seat already. It was assumed that he's been given a long leash, but you can never trust that owner Dan Ronel won't go back on his word with these sorts of things. As for the GM, James McEnroy seems to be safe, after putting together what we assumed would be a solid team. With nearly half of the league's owners opting to take over coaching duties for some dumbass reason, there are plenty of available bench bosses should the Voys consider making a switch.
Up next is Guelph, and honestly, don't get too comfortable. The Gryphons were the highest scoring team this week from the Canadian Division.
MVP: Isaac's Favourite Player (Brandon Saad)
LVP: Martin Jones
Reason for hope: It was a five day matchup. Keep the panic button near, but don't you dare press it yet.
7 - CAMBRIDGE CASTRATORS (0-1)
Ranking myself last was mostly just symbolism. You're still the worst team.
This one is going to be a bit shorter, since I need to get the ball rolling on these rankings. Recent acquisition Mats Zuccarello led the way with 25.6 fantasy points, with Shattenkirk, Malkin, and Schwartz all topping 20. Most of your players seemed to do alright, nobody really sticks out like a sore thumb. This got me suspicious. How could a team see point production spread out, yet still end as a bottom two scorer? And that's when I saw it. Not all of your players were listed as having contributed to your score.
It's funny how that happens when you don't update.
Your total net bench points add up to 8.8, which doesn't seem like a lot, but let's assume you benched Greiss strategically against Columbus. That nearly doubles that tally to 15. Now, let's assume you benched Lehner against NYI — which may seem like a stretch, but consider for a second just how bad Buffalo is, and it is certainly justifiable, and then consider that all four of his goalies had games that night — that tips the tally over to 21.8, which is more than enough to push you past both Hamilton and Guelph, putting you at 5th in total scoring while also winning you the fucking matchup!
Don't be a Dan. Update.
The Castrators are the latest team to follow a recent (stupid) trend of having the owner control all operations. No word on whether owner Derek Ford plans on interviewing any candidates, but if you're a Cambridge fan, I don't suggest betting on it happening.
Next up: Hamilton. Sure, they barely friggin' outscored you this matchup, but they are still the favourites heading into the week.
MVP: Mats Zuccarello
LVP: Devan Dubnyk
Reason for hope: Not only is there an entire season for you to get an act together, there are also more teams now than ever for you to watch crumble. Don't be one of them.
6 - MARS MARTIANS (0-1)
Is it a crime that I'm ranking a top four scorer this far down? Maybe, but he fucking deserves it.
Dude, lose the Leafs dependency. You have four Toronto players, and none of them are Matthews OR Marner. The team scored 15 goals in their first two games (which, if I recall correctly, is only matched by the Blackhawks). That will not hold up for an entire season. Aside from them, you appear to be pretty spread out, although rostering more than one Sabre is concerning, especially when the second one isn't O'Reilly, Ristolainen, or Evander Kane.
Jonathan Drouin was a bit of a let down, and Steve Mason was awful (-10.9 over two games!!!). His other three goalies are paying off in a huge way (4 wins in 5 starts, combined 61.0 fantasy points), but don't expect that to continue. Henrik Lundqvist is not going to score 23 points a week, and Bobrovsky still needs to prove that last year wasn't a fluke.
But, let's take a look at the good, and there was definitely stuff that went well. The Lord and Savior Jesus McChrist got his McHat Trick© (patent pending). Some other stars did well, such as Kucherov, Eichel, and Tarasenko. As aforementioned, the goalies fucked. And the three-headed Siamese triplet of Nylander, Marleau, and Gardiner overperformed.
Mars interim (I hope) coach/owner/interim (he should hope) GM Isaac Reich did not look comfortable behind the bench this week. His players played well, but he didn't build his system around the players, and it showed. His lineups were solid, but his stubbornness came into play when he refused to change his strategies to fit the game, and that may have ultimately been the deciding factor in taking an L. There is no word on whether or not owner Reich is looking into any coaching candidates, and GM Reich has been uncharacteristically silent on the topic, too. As stated earlier, there are plenty of available top-notch candidates looking for employment.
Meanwhile, Reich has gotten himself into hot water with the league office. He and deputy commissioner Dan Ronel have been jousting for months, and it appears to have exploded in magnificent proportions this week. There were financial threats and removal threats, causing mayhem across the Board of Owners. About what can only be speculated upon, but reputable sources claim that a vote looms ahead. Meanwhile, it appears Ronel has told [Voyageurs GM James] McEnroy to "stop making trades with Mars, those dumb [expletive]." These two stubborn owners are coming to blows, and we will absolutely keep you all updated as new developments are made.
Next up, Tory Dick and the Bangkok Behemoths. Now would be a fantastic time to really assert that you are a big dog in this league, and not just another wannabe.
Edit: A league vote resulted in a change of playoff structure. If you haven't heard the news... I don't care. Go ask someone else. It's all over NBCFSN, go check the news.
MVP: Jesus McChrist
LVP: Steve Mason
Reason for hope: Allow me to read a passage from Connor 97:16.
Obviously he's not a rookie, and the team isn't Halifax, but I wouldn't dare paraphrase the work of the Holy Bible of Hockey. Maybe next week, I'll share another passage.
5 - HAMILTON HUSKIES (1-0)
What the fuck was that?
That was tremendously disappointing. Not only did you barely scrape 200 points, but you also barely beat out the Cambridge Castrators this week. Lucky for you, your Week 1 opponent (some shmuck) had one of the worst season premieres in history, giving you an undeserving 1-0 record. Sharvit is like a box of chocolates; we never know what we're going to get, and this year it looks like we're going to get the Sharvit that starts off cold, makes some bad trades, and then wins the regular season. Book it.
This matchup certainly drives that narrative right into the wood.
I have an alternate theory. Many a year do I rank the Sharvit Squad criminally low, only to witness him prove me wrong. I decided to give him some credit, by ranking him second in the preseason PR, and the Hockey Gods appear to have taken to my kindness. You will prove me wrong again this year, as you have done all the years before. I hope.
One sole player hit the big two-oh; TJ Brodie tallied 20.6 fantasy points on two goals and two assists. Head coach Jerry Krotz prefers his scoring spread out, and seven players all contributed double digits to the fight.
Still, this was an incredibly weak week for the Huskies, especially for a certain J. Benn (the good one). By the way, Matt Niskanen ended up doing better than Nick Leddy. The former posted 8.6 fantasy points. Leddy sat with 5. That's not a large difference by any means, but you did seem adamant against keeping Niskanen when the four-team trade nearly fell through. Just food for thought. Speaking of food... you missed out on some good sushi, man.
Next week, you face Cambridge. Let's break the 4th wall. Right now, it's about 5:24 AM on a brisk Tuesday morning, and you're down by some 20 points. I was going to suggest not taking the Castos lightly, but it appears that I don't — Adam removed Dan Ronel from the chat.
Dw there's context
MVP: TJ Brodie
LVP: J. Benn, one of them but not both
Reason for hope: You have a penchant for making bad trades that somehow work out for you. That's going to happen, the Hockey Gods already signed off on it.
4 - GUELPH GRYPHONS (1-0)
It's gonna be one of THOSE seasons, isn't it?
You're going to be one of those teams that ends with a winning percentage of maybe .300 and still be a playoff contender. Perhaps you could even win the division as a sub-.500 team. This is not a compliment. I'm just panicking right now, and you should too.
Did I say this team is a hot mess? Because I'm about to double down. This team is hot, and it'll be a mess when they cool down. Ah, wordplay. Amateurish, but I don't get paid enough for anything better. Hell, this content is already way above my paygrade. Y'all have been lucky for years still.
Ugh, do I really have to do more postgame analysis? It's 5 in the bleeping morning!
Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh... alright, here it goes.
Only two players topped twenty. One was a nice rebound from last year's letdown in Shayne Gostisbehere (21.6), while the other was a shitbucket pretending to be a dead octopus in Ryan Hartman (too many for a player of that calibre). Rakell and Jake Allen had great weeks, and another five joined the aforementioned in double digits. Charlie McAvoy (14.0) proved me wrong, plucking an apple and sniping his first career goal in two games this week. Meanwhile, Kyle Okposo did just about as well as I predicted him to (-3.3). Let's face it, guys. My predictions have been on fleek so far; we should all just listen to Dan's radical, outlandish, unorthodox opinions for an eternity.
Anders Bjork (5.7), as majority owner Ryan Balter predicted, Bjorked all over the top six forward core in Boston, earning himself an assist. Bjorked. I'm using that every week, even if you drop or trade him. Book it.
The Quidditch Crew, still led by tandem ownership Balter and the ever elusive Zac MacDonald, will head on over to the VIA Rail Stadium Arena Place (whatever it's called), where the Voyageurs will host them. Do we see the winning and losing streaks continue? Or will both teams stall out at 1-1? Only time and fantasy points will tell.
MVP: Gostisbehere because fuck Ryan Hartman
LVP: Blake Wheeler
Reason for hope: Your division.
3 - LAS VEGAS VIPERS (1-0)
Well, this hardly seems fair.
[Owner] Jeffrey Gould, you have woken a sleeping giant. I will now unleash the wrath of my power rankings upon you! Seriously, dude, you trash talk WAY too much. Honestly, even before this matchup started, your entire division trash talked way too much. Y'all need to cool it. [Goats owner Adam] Stier may very well be the only sane one. Jeff likes pissing the shit out of me. Isaac's got more bark than bite. And Tory... well, he just doesn't really take anything seriously.
Let's get back to the hockey. A lot went very well for this week's best team, and that "lot" was mostly Rockstar Ovechkin. While scoring 7 goals (SEVEN GOALS) on just 14 shots (HE SHOT 50%), he pumped out an absurd 60.0 fantasy points. That's an average of 30.0 points per game, which smashes the YGFHL record for ppg by one player after the first matchup. He wasn't alone, either. Auston Matthews, Mika Zibanejad, Jakub Voracek, Jonny "Hockey" Gaudreau, and somehow Alexander Pietrangelo all topped 20 fantasy points this week for the Vipers, with about as many more players in the double digits. Furthermore, not a single player ended the week as a negative. That's quite impressive. It's also incredibly lucky, and Las Vegas absolutely should not expect that to be a continuing trend.
For some reason, this one has taken me longer than any other team's analysis, and I really don't know why. Happens sometimes. I'm not ALWAYS a gold mine.
Want some advice? Lose the Marc Staal. He was never a fantasy gem, and he's now playing a reduced role with reduced minutes. And while you're at it, maybe don't bite too hard on that player who got a lucky shorthanded goal and has never done anything else in his life, huh? Phillip Danault was a dumb pickup. Matter of fact, I think your lack of depth is what turns me off of your team. You've got some great stuff up front, but then you've got guys like Nikita Zaitsev, Nolan Patrick, Oscar Klefbom, Ryan Strome, and Jacob Trouba. There's just no balance. Now, that being said, you're a couple of moves away from being not just a contender, but possibly even a favourite. Considering the fact that no team insistingly stands out as a clear frontrunner, this thing is anybody's for the taking (except maybe Cambridge's). Be relentless, Jeff. Maybe then I won't be so harsh on you in my power rankings.
Week 2 sees our first ever Battle of Thorold! Wow, that's fun to say. Anyways, the Vipers will faceoff against the Grand Rapids Goats in this week's headliner. Even still, at this early hour in the season, don't be surprised if Les Purples take it convincingly.
MEGA MVP: Rockstar Ovechkin
LVP: Pekka Rinne
Reason for hope: Lowkey you have a fantastic team, but it's still rough around the edges. Get to work, young man!
2 - BANGKOK BEHEMOTHS (0-1)
Consider this a passing of the torch. The only other time I'd even consider an 0-1 team for top two is if that team is me. And I usually don't do well in this league.
So, yeah. Good luck with that.
Despite the BB's being a top three scorer (and not too far behind second), coach Gay Boucher is apparently already on the hot seat. Owner Tory Dick made it crystal clear that his leash was subatomic-sized, but it remains to be seen how far the unpredictable Dick will go with that. He does, however, appear to be content with GM George McDick's lack of trades, stating that the manager "has been in talks, and he has received many offers, but hasn't pulled the trigger because those offers were [expletive]." He isn't wrong; if you don't have anything good to trade, don't trade anything. That's how the saying goes, right?
Meanwhile, Dick has apparently gained dual eligibility this week: he can now chug down two streams of alcohol with his fancy-pants wall funnel contraption. Rumours suggest that it might be a short-term fixation, as one of his roommates may make an appeal to the Board of Directors of Room 101 and file for removal. It is unclear if any of this will go the distance. It remains to be seen if anyone else in the league actually gives a shit about this. Back to the hockey.
Evander Kane fucked, and Jonathan Quick raised the roof, earning 33.2 and 35.1 fantasy points respectively. The lightskin dumbass pumped an incredulous 11 shots on goal against the Habs on Thursday evening; while Evander couldn't score, he did tally an assist. Kadri, Neal, and Tavares all hit the twenty mark, and another six players hit double digits. In fact, the Behemoths played so well, that they outplayed every one of their opponents not named Alex Ovechkin (seriously, SEVEN GOALS).
The goalies were not great. Price got a clutch win against the Sabres in a game that somehow needed a shootout, but went 1-for-2 this week. No other goalie earned a victory, perhaps a key part of Bangkok failing to earn their victory. Who can really say? I mean... me. I can say, and I will. Your goalies sucked this week.
But this week is over, and you've got your first actual matchup to look forward to (as in your first FULL matchup, stupid wankers with their stupid 5-game matchup, what a bunch of weak pussies). Next week is Mars. Honestly, this should be a cakewalk if you stay on top of your lineups and maybe roll in a few pickups.
MVP: Evander "Broken Alarm Clock" Kane
LVP: Michael Hoffman
Reason for hope: You're the hero we all want, but maybe not the one we need right now. Shit, that sounds like an insult. Trust me, it's not. I called you a hero, now go out and fucking act like one, ya dumbass.
1 - GRAND RAPIDS GOATS (1-0)
How many fucking times are you gonna force me to rank you first?
*contemplates not writing anything*
Okay, here's what's gonna happen. I don't need to do analysis. We all know what happened.
So, let's instead play a game show I like to call: Fantasy Feud! It's like Family Feud, except it's just me trashing on your team instead of an actual game show.
Well, since I'm already looking at his team, let's just get the analysis over with. Blackie got 38.4, Kuznetsov got 34.7, and Patty Kane got 30.2 points. Crosby did well. So did Snorey Crawford. But you know who didn't do well? Fucking nobody! Maybe Mikko Koivu, although he's an assbucket anyways. Even Evgeny Dadonov fucked this week on your bench, getting 9.4 on Saturday night. And now that I'm looking, fucking Mikko Koivu got 5.2 bench points that same night (and Antti Raanta got 7.8 bench points against the Golden Knights that night). I'm actually at a loss for words. Never in my life have I seen a team just... click like that. And so early into the season too! Admirable, Stier-san.
I apologise for all the creative swearing. I wanted to see how far I could go with it.
Up next, Vegas. You should probably win this one, barring disaster or a lack of updating (or another Alexplosion Ovechkin).
MVP: Blackie
LVP: Fucken nobody
Reason for hope: I've never given anybody a "nobody" for LVP before (don't fact check me there, I've probably done it before). Your entire team fucked, dude. Right on.
Lowest teams are listed first. Rank, team name, and record are listed, followed by the weekly report for that team, MVP and LVP, and Reason for hope. I will bring back the colour-coding for team trend this year. That will be demonstrated through the rank number. Green represents an upward trend, orange represents status-quo, and red represents a downward trend.
The grammar will be bad and if you feel the need to point that out please be prepared to make a fist with your right hand and shake it back and forth so you can visualize my response to those complaints.
The Power Rankings are composed based on performance, record, and a glance at the team rosters...........
And finally, please have fun with these as I intend to, and try to ignore the fact that I copied the beginning of Clint J. Gritt's weekly power rankings from the Triple Play Dynasty baseball league.
8 - HALIFAX VOYAGEURS (0-1)
You know what? You're going to shut up, and take your goddamn medicine.
Listen, buddy. You need a rude awakening. It is now... 9:19 PM on Sunday evening, and you're the lowest scorer this week. And it isn't close, either. Cambridge has you topped by 41.0 fantasy points. Of course, there's still time to catch up, right? Sure, Rick Nash and Michael Grabner are about to lead you to glory!
YOU HAVE TWO PLAYERS, AND THEY'RE ALMOST DONE THEIR GAME!
It wasn't all bad for the Voys, though. Brandon Saad stormed into the season in a big way, despite everyone and their brother (not named Tory) counting him out. Him, Patrick Sharp, and Jonathan Toews have really been on their game. Good performances from Nick Foligno, Mark Stone, Mikko Rantanen, and Dion Phaneuf were unable to counter the dreadful play of all three goalies (who couldn't even muster a win over four starts, posting a dismal combined .882 sv%).
It is now 1:11 AM, and the matchup is over. You have squeezed out 157.9 fantasy points. This week has come to a woeful conclusion, and thus you can expect a woeful response in the Power Rankings.
The Timo Meier Project has flopped. Hischier was silent in his debut. So were Demers and Stepan in their team debut. And Luongo isn't getting younger. Was this just a rough start, an anomaly in what could be a great season? Was it statistical fluctuation, and you should soon regress back to good form? Was it just some rust from a longer-than-expected offseason following an early playoff exit? Or is this perhaps a taste of what's still to come?
Who knows, but at least you picked up Jaromir Jagr before anyone else. Phew!
After a fantastic season in 2016-17, coach Glen Gluten-free may be sitting in the hot seat already. It was assumed that he's been given a long leash, but you can never trust that owner Dan Ronel won't go back on his word with these sorts of things. As for the GM, James McEnroy seems to be safe, after putting together what we assumed would be a solid team. With nearly half of the league's owners opting to take over coaching duties for some dumbass reason, there are plenty of available bench bosses should the Voys consider making a switch.
Up next is Guelph, and honestly, don't get too comfortable. The Gryphons were the highest scoring team this week from the Canadian Division.
MVP: Isaac's Favourite Player (Brandon Saad)
LVP: Martin Jones
Reason for hope: It was a five day matchup. Keep the panic button near, but don't you dare press it yet.
7 - CAMBRIDGE CASTRATORS (0-1)
Ranking myself last was mostly just symbolism. You're still the worst team.
This one is going to be a bit shorter, since I need to get the ball rolling on these rankings. Recent acquisition Mats Zuccarello led the way with 25.6 fantasy points, with Shattenkirk, Malkin, and Schwartz all topping 20. Most of your players seemed to do alright, nobody really sticks out like a sore thumb. This got me suspicious. How could a team see point production spread out, yet still end as a bottom two scorer? And that's when I saw it. Not all of your players were listed as having contributed to your score.
It's funny how that happens when you don't update.
Your total net bench points add up to 8.8, which doesn't seem like a lot, but let's assume you benched Greiss strategically against Columbus. That nearly doubles that tally to 15. Now, let's assume you benched Lehner against NYI — which may seem like a stretch, but consider for a second just how bad Buffalo is, and it is certainly justifiable, and then consider that all four of his goalies had games that night — that tips the tally over to 21.8, which is more than enough to push you past both Hamilton and Guelph, putting you at 5th in total scoring while also winning you the fucking matchup!
Don't be a Dan. Update.
The Castrators are the latest team to follow a recent (stupid) trend of having the owner control all operations. No word on whether owner Derek Ford plans on interviewing any candidates, but if you're a Cambridge fan, I don't suggest betting on it happening.
Next up: Hamilton. Sure, they barely friggin' outscored you this matchup, but they are still the favourites heading into the week.
MVP: Mats Zuccarello
LVP: Devan Dubnyk
Reason for hope: Not only is there an entire season for you to get an act together, there are also more teams now than ever for you to watch crumble. Don't be one of them.
6 - MARS MARTIANS (0-1)
Is it a crime that I'm ranking a top four scorer this far down? Maybe, but he fucking deserves it.
Dude, lose the Leafs dependency. You have four Toronto players, and none of them are Matthews OR Marner. The team scored 15 goals in their first two games (which, if I recall correctly, is only matched by the Blackhawks). That will not hold up for an entire season. Aside from them, you appear to be pretty spread out, although rostering more than one Sabre is concerning, especially when the second one isn't O'Reilly, Ristolainen, or Evander Kane.
Jonathan Drouin was a bit of a let down, and Steve Mason was awful (-10.9 over two games!!!). His other three goalies are paying off in a huge way (4 wins in 5 starts, combined 61.0 fantasy points), but don't expect that to continue. Henrik Lundqvist is not going to score 23 points a week, and Bobrovsky still needs to prove that last year wasn't a fluke.
But, let's take a look at the good, and there was definitely stuff that went well. The Lord and Savior Jesus McChrist got his McHat Trick© (patent pending). Some other stars did well, such as Kucherov, Eichel, and Tarasenko. As aforementioned, the goalies fucked. And the three-headed Siamese triplet of Nylander, Marleau, and Gardiner overperformed.
Mars interim (I hope) coach/owner/interim (he should hope) GM Isaac Reich did not look comfortable behind the bench this week. His players played well, but he didn't build his system around the players, and it showed. His lineups were solid, but his stubbornness came into play when he refused to change his strategies to fit the game, and that may have ultimately been the deciding factor in taking an L. There is no word on whether or not owner Reich is looking into any coaching candidates, and GM Reich has been uncharacteristically silent on the topic, too. As stated earlier, there are plenty of available top-notch candidates looking for employment.
Meanwhile, Reich has gotten himself into hot water with the league office. He and deputy commissioner Dan Ronel have been jousting for months, and it appears to have exploded in magnificent proportions this week. There were financial threats and removal threats, causing mayhem across the Board of Owners. About what can only be speculated upon, but reputable sources claim that a vote looms ahead. Meanwhile, it appears Ronel has told [Voyageurs GM James] McEnroy to "stop making trades with Mars, those dumb [expletive]." These two stubborn owners are coming to blows, and we will absolutely keep you all updated as new developments are made.
Next up, Tory Dick and the Bangkok Behemoths. Now would be a fantastic time to really assert that you are a big dog in this league, and not just another wannabe.
Edit: A league vote resulted in a change of playoff structure. If you haven't heard the news... I don't care. Go ask someone else. It's all over NBCFSN, go check the news.
MVP: Jesus McChrist
LVP: Steve Mason
Reason for hope: Allow me to read a passage from Connor 97:16.
It was on this day (I'm writing this on Christmas day) that He was born, or something like that, so then let us celebrate on this day all He hath done so far in His first full-length (hopefully) season, the holiest season of the career, in which He hath risen from the dead a team that has been oppressed by the playoff teams. Risen from the dead, and given new life, was this team called Halifax, and they are forever indebted to Him, since He previously missed the playoffs in His rookie season due to the sins of his original owner (bad trading).
5 - HAMILTON HUSKIES (1-0)
What the fuck was that?
That was tremendously disappointing. Not only did you barely scrape 200 points, but you also barely beat out the Cambridge Castrators this week. Lucky for you, your Week 1 opponent (some shmuck) had one of the worst season premieres in history, giving you an undeserving 1-0 record. Sharvit is like a box of chocolates; we never know what we're going to get, and this year it looks like we're going to get the Sharvit that starts off cold, makes some bad trades, and then wins the regular season. Book it.
This matchup certainly drives that narrative right into the wood.
I have an alternate theory. Many a year do I rank the Sharvit Squad criminally low, only to witness him prove me wrong. I decided to give him some credit, by ranking him second in the preseason PR, and the Hockey Gods appear to have taken to my kindness. You will prove me wrong again this year, as you have done all the years before. I hope.
One sole player hit the big two-oh; TJ Brodie tallied 20.6 fantasy points on two goals and two assists. Head coach Jerry Krotz prefers his scoring spread out, and seven players all contributed double digits to the fight.
Still, this was an incredibly weak week for the Huskies, especially for a certain J. Benn (the good one). By the way, Matt Niskanen ended up doing better than Nick Leddy. The former posted 8.6 fantasy points. Leddy sat with 5. That's not a large difference by any means, but you did seem adamant against keeping Niskanen when the four-team trade nearly fell through. Just food for thought. Speaking of food... you missed out on some good sushi, man.
Next week, you face Cambridge. Let's break the 4th wall. Right now, it's about 5:24 AM on a brisk Tuesday morning, and you're down by some 20 points. I was going to suggest not taking the Castos lightly, but it appears that I don't — Adam removed Dan Ronel from the chat.
Dw there's context
MVP: TJ Brodie
LVP: J. Benn, one of them but not both
Reason for hope: You have a penchant for making bad trades that somehow work out for you. That's going to happen, the Hockey Gods already signed off on it.
4 - GUELPH GRYPHONS (1-0)
It's gonna be one of THOSE seasons, isn't it?
You're going to be one of those teams that ends with a winning percentage of maybe .300 and still be a playoff contender. Perhaps you could even win the division as a sub-.500 team. This is not a compliment. I'm just panicking right now, and you should too.
Did I say this team is a hot mess? Because I'm about to double down. This team is hot, and it'll be a mess when they cool down. Ah, wordplay. Amateurish, but I don't get paid enough for anything better. Hell, this content is already way above my paygrade. Y'all have been lucky for years still.
Ugh, do I really have to do more postgame analysis? It's 5 in the bleeping morning!
Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh... alright, here it goes.
Only two players topped twenty. One was a nice rebound from last year's letdown in Shayne Gostisbehere (21.6), while the other was a shitbucket pretending to be a dead octopus in Ryan Hartman (too many for a player of that calibre). Rakell and Jake Allen had great weeks, and another five joined the aforementioned in double digits. Charlie McAvoy (14.0) proved me wrong, plucking an apple and sniping his first career goal in two games this week. Meanwhile, Kyle Okposo did just about as well as I predicted him to (-3.3). Let's face it, guys. My predictions have been on fleek so far; we should all just listen to Dan's radical, outlandish, unorthodox opinions for an eternity.
Anders Bjork (5.7), as majority owner Ryan Balter predicted, Bjorked all over the top six forward core in Boston, earning himself an assist. Bjorked. I'm using that every week, even if you drop or trade him. Book it.
The Quidditch Crew, still led by tandem ownership Balter and the ever elusive Zac MacDonald, will head on over to the VIA Rail Stadium Arena Place (whatever it's called), where the Voyageurs will host them. Do we see the winning and losing streaks continue? Or will both teams stall out at 1-1? Only time and fantasy points will tell.
MVP: Gostisbehere because fuck Ryan Hartman
LVP: Blake Wheeler
Reason for hope: Your division.
3 - LAS VEGAS VIPERS (1-0)
Well, this hardly seems fair.
[Owner] Jeffrey Gould, you have woken a sleeping giant. I will now unleash the wrath of my power rankings upon you! Seriously, dude, you trash talk WAY too much. Honestly, even before this matchup started, your entire division trash talked way too much. Y'all need to cool it. [Goats owner Adam] Stier may very well be the only sane one. Jeff likes pissing the shit out of me. Isaac's got more bark than bite. And Tory... well, he just doesn't really take anything seriously.
Let's get back to the hockey. A lot went very well for this week's best team, and that "lot" was mostly Rockstar Ovechkin. While scoring 7 goals (SEVEN GOALS) on just 14 shots (HE SHOT 50%), he pumped out an absurd 60.0 fantasy points. That's an average of 30.0 points per game, which smashes the YGFHL record for ppg by one player after the first matchup. He wasn't alone, either. Auston Matthews, Mika Zibanejad, Jakub Voracek, Jonny "Hockey" Gaudreau, and somehow Alexander Pietrangelo all topped 20 fantasy points this week for the Vipers, with about as many more players in the double digits. Furthermore, not a single player ended the week as a negative. That's quite impressive. It's also incredibly lucky, and Las Vegas absolutely should not expect that to be a continuing trend.
For some reason, this one has taken me longer than any other team's analysis, and I really don't know why. Happens sometimes. I'm not ALWAYS a gold mine.
Want some advice? Lose the Marc Staal. He was never a fantasy gem, and he's now playing a reduced role with reduced minutes. And while you're at it, maybe don't bite too hard on that player who got a lucky shorthanded goal and has never done anything else in his life, huh? Phillip Danault was a dumb pickup. Matter of fact, I think your lack of depth is what turns me off of your team. You've got some great stuff up front, but then you've got guys like Nikita Zaitsev, Nolan Patrick, Oscar Klefbom, Ryan Strome, and Jacob Trouba. There's just no balance. Now, that being said, you're a couple of moves away from being not just a contender, but possibly even a favourite. Considering the fact that no team insistingly stands out as a clear frontrunner, this thing is anybody's for the taking (except maybe Cambridge's). Be relentless, Jeff. Maybe then I won't be so harsh on you in my power rankings.
Week 2 sees our first ever Battle of Thorold! Wow, that's fun to say. Anyways, the Vipers will faceoff against the Grand Rapids Goats in this week's headliner. Even still, at this early hour in the season, don't be surprised if Les Purples take it convincingly.
MEGA MVP: Rockstar Ovechkin
LVP: Pekka Rinne
Reason for hope: Lowkey you have a fantastic team, but it's still rough around the edges. Get to work, young man!
2 - BANGKOK BEHEMOTHS (0-1)
Consider this a passing of the torch. The only other time I'd even consider an 0-1 team for top two is if that team is me. And I usually don't do well in this league.
So, yeah. Good luck with that.
Despite the BB's being a top three scorer (and not too far behind second), coach Gay Boucher is apparently already on the hot seat. Owner Tory Dick made it crystal clear that his leash was subatomic-sized, but it remains to be seen how far the unpredictable Dick will go with that. He does, however, appear to be content with GM George McDick's lack of trades, stating that the manager "has been in talks, and he has received many offers, but hasn't pulled the trigger because those offers were [expletive]." He isn't wrong; if you don't have anything good to trade, don't trade anything. That's how the saying goes, right?
Meanwhile, Dick has apparently gained dual eligibility this week: he can now chug down two streams of alcohol with his fancy-pants wall funnel contraption. Rumours suggest that it might be a short-term fixation, as one of his roommates may make an appeal to the Board of Directors of Room 101 and file for removal. It is unclear if any of this will go the distance. It remains to be seen if anyone else in the league actually gives a shit about this. Back to the hockey.
Evander Kane fucked, and Jonathan Quick raised the roof, earning 33.2 and 35.1 fantasy points respectively. The lightskin dumbass pumped an incredulous 11 shots on goal against the Habs on Thursday evening; while Evander couldn't score, he did tally an assist. Kadri, Neal, and Tavares all hit the twenty mark, and another six players hit double digits. In fact, the Behemoths played so well, that they outplayed every one of their opponents not named Alex Ovechkin (seriously, SEVEN GOALS).
The goalies were not great. Price got a clutch win against the Sabres in a game that somehow needed a shootout, but went 1-for-2 this week. No other goalie earned a victory, perhaps a key part of Bangkok failing to earn their victory. Who can really say? I mean... me. I can say, and I will. Your goalies sucked this week.
But this week is over, and you've got your first actual matchup to look forward to (as in your first FULL matchup, stupid wankers with their stupid 5-game matchup, what a bunch of weak pussies). Next week is Mars. Honestly, this should be a cakewalk if you stay on top of your lineups and maybe roll in a few pickups.
MVP: Evander "Broken Alarm Clock" Kane
LVP: Michael Hoffman
Reason for hope: You're the hero we all want, but maybe not the one we need right now. Shit, that sounds like an insult. Trust me, it's not. I called you a hero, now go out and fucking act like one, ya dumbass.
1 - GRAND RAPIDS GOATS (1-0)
How many fucking times are you gonna force me to rank you first?
*contemplates not writing anything*
Okay, here's what's gonna happen. I don't need to do analysis. We all know what happened.
So, let's instead play a game show I like to call: Fantasy Feud! It's like Family Feud, except it's just me trashing on your team instead of an actual game show.
Jesus Christ, your team is bad. I mean, look at all those fantasy points! What a dickfucking loser!
Oh my god, what kind of fuckwit gets points from his stars AND his depth? Fucking shitstain moron cuntball!
And what kind of idiotic asshat fuckhole has three players that surpass 30 fantasy points in a five-day matchup? You make me SICK.
But that's not all! Look at this pompous doucheturd. Who waits until fucking Saturday to... ah, shit, I done fucked up now. It's the Stier Saturday Special, back for what I believe is the fourth consecutive season! Sure, after Thursday the matchup was basically a foregone conclusion, but still! Les Purples scored 133.1 fantasy points that night. That already puts you within like twenty of Halifax's weekly total! Not only is that really impressive of the Grand Rapids Goats, but also really fucking pathetic of Halifax.
Oh my god, what kind of fuckwit gets points from his stars AND his depth? Fucking shitstain moron cuntball!
And what kind of idiotic asshat fuckhole has three players that surpass 30 fantasy points in a five-day matchup? You make me SICK.
But that's not all! Look at this pompous doucheturd. Who waits until fucking Saturday to... ah, shit, I done fucked up now. It's the Stier Saturday Special, back for what I believe is the fourth consecutive season! Sure, after Thursday the matchup was basically a foregone conclusion, but still! Les Purples scored 133.1 fantasy points that night. That already puts you within like twenty of Halifax's weekly total! Not only is that really impressive of the Grand Rapids Goats, but also really fucking pathetic of Halifax.
Well, since I'm already looking at his team, let's just get the analysis over with. Blackie got 38.4, Kuznetsov got 34.7, and Patty Kane got 30.2 points. Crosby did well. So did Snorey Crawford. But you know who didn't do well? Fucking nobody! Maybe Mikko Koivu, although he's an assbucket anyways. Even Evgeny Dadonov fucked this week on your bench, getting 9.4 on Saturday night. And now that I'm looking, fucking Mikko Koivu got 5.2 bench points that same night (and Antti Raanta got 7.8 bench points against the Golden Knights that night). I'm actually at a loss for words. Never in my life have I seen a team just... click like that. And so early into the season too! Admirable, Stier-san.
I apologise for all the creative swearing. I wanted to see how far I could go with it.
Up next, Vegas. You should probably win this one, barring disaster or a lack of updating (or another Alexplosion Ovechkin).
MVP: Blackie
LVP: Fucken nobody
Reason for hope: I've never given anybody a "nobody" for LVP before (don't fact check me there, I've probably done it before). Your entire team fucked, dude. Right on.