Post by GoVoysGo on Oct 25, 2016 11:09:57 GMT -5
These boards will be used for the weekly power rankings. I thought it would be nice to suggest how this league appears to shape up ahead of this upcoming season. I will be posting the weekly power rankings in one part each week. There will be no bottom half first part, also known as the glass half full half, nor the MC Hammer second portion (Too Legit too Quit). If you get offended that is OK we weren't going to spend Christmas together anyways. For the 2016-17 season, I'll be doing the rankings in reverse. I'm not sure if it's supposed to build suspension, or just because writers tend to save the best for last, but I'm going to follow suit. If you don't like it, go fuck yourself.
The grammar will be bad and if you feel the need to point that out please be prepared to make a fist with your right hand and shake it back and forth so you can visualize my response to those complaints.
The Power Rankings are composed based on performance, record, and a glance at the team rosters...........
Throughout the season, I will the number rank a colour based on how the team is trending: green (trending up), red (trending down, like my math marks over the years), and gray (consistent... or you simply can't become more extreme, either first or worst). THE RANK ITSELF IS NOT REFLECTIVE OF THIS.
Along with a weekly Most Valuable Player, there will be a Least Valuable Player included for each team as well, from now on. Like the MVP, the LVP isn't simply the most/least fantasy points achieved on the week. If a depth player performs near the top of the team, then they may be awarded the MVP; likewise, if a superstar has an off week, they may end up being the team donkey. It is almost entirely subjective, but within reason. I may target a player for being clutch (or not being clutch) in a close matchup towards the end of the week. If your favourite player isn't picked, go tell Ron Wilson, and he'll tell you about how inconsistent they are. I don't want to hear it. For the 2016-17 season and onward, I will not be posting statistics along with the player, just the recipient of said honours.
And finally, please have fun with these as I intend to, and try to ignore the fact that I copied the beginning of Clint J. Gritt's weekly power rankings from the Triple Play Dynasty baseball league.
#6 MARS MARTIANS • 1-1
I know you aren’t going to like this. I am honestly apologetic. Another win would easily lift you a few spots up. I just couldn’t justify dropping North Korea (3rd) or Guelph (1st) that far, and the other two 1-1 teams (Hamilton and Grand Rapids) placed in the top half of the week’s scoring. I couldn’t justify them moving even slightly downwards.
So there you are. Cellar duty.
To put owner Isaac Reich at ease, this is still a good team with a lot of potential. Some explosions from unexpected sources (hi there, Cammalleri and Seabrook) helped lift the M’s above the now-only 0-2 club in the league, while scoring under 300 on the week.
Part of me wants to stop talking about hockey and start cracking jokes, or I might get fired (just kidding, I wouldn’t ever fire me). But Isaac and I barely spoke this week, the exception being a brief conversation in which I discovered that someone in the league actually wanted to take Jesse Puljujärvi off my hands. Okay, yeah, that is actually kind of funny.
He’s bad, is my point.
GM Steve Xzerman is still insistent that the goaltending woes don’t actually exist. The non-Dubnyk backstoppers combined for 9.3 fantasy points on the week. That’s THREE goalies, averaging 3.1 per goalie this week. Even if we’re assuming each goalie only played one game (which we know is not true), that’s terrible. According to statistician and journalist Andrew Berkfire, the goalies were playing like this.
But seriously. I have no clue what Isaac did this week. I can’t make fun of him. This sucks.
Mars have scored 507 fantasy points through two weeks, placing him fifth on the scoring chart. That’s, like, bad. Fix it.
Next up: not me (and not North Korea again), so someone tied with Mars. Upon further research, I can say with certainty that said up-next team is the Gryphons.
I always rank the Martians low, but that’s not the truth, you know? If you keep on doing well, I’ll keep saying, “go to hell.”
It rhymed. If you didn't notice, read it again. DO NOT KEEP SCROLLING, READ THAT LAST LINE AGAIN.
MVP: Matt Duchene
LVP: Corey Crawford, second week in a row
Reason for hope: Your winning percentage is .500, which is something most teams will see as a pipe dream by the time the playoffs swing around. Seriously, why does one team (or two) always just muck?
#5 NORTH KOREA KOMODOS • 0-2
Once again, the actual worst team is ranked 5 based on technical bullshit. Poor Isaac.
I don’t know what to say.
Oh, wait, yes I do. UPDATE, FOR CHRIST SAKE! Don’t be a ME! It never works! At least you made sure Auston Matthews was playing — the kid notched 11.6 on the week. But, still! Lazy ownership is not going to help you!
You have now scored the least amount of fantasy points thus far, with 425.7 on the season. You also have won the least amount of games thus far, with 0 on the season. Opponents have scored 545.7 on The Dictators, good for second-least in the league — only Mars has fewer (hmm, interesting). Something’s got to give, or it’s going to be a long season for the team on the other side of the world.
Much like Reich, Komodos owner Evan Presement didn’t do anything outwardly noticeable. Hell, I’m not really sure what any of you guys did. I’m just going to take shots at your teams like I always do, and hope that suffices your lust for humour. Lust for humour. Lust… for humour… I’m good with words.
Shut up.
North Korea is trying to make things work with guys like Brandon Saad, Jussi Jokinen, Boone Jenner, Bobby Ryan, Nick Leddy, and Henrik Zetterberg. Now, I’m going to check to see how each one did this week and they’re all going to have scored like 20 points each. Fuck me.
Saad — 1.3
Jokinen — 1.6
Jenner — 5.7
Ryan — 1
Leddy — –1.6
Zetterberg — Did not play for NKO this week
Wow. What the hell is right with me?
Anyway, this was a freebie against a team that would have lost to anyone else last week, and, as Jay Onrait would say, ya blew it! It won’t get any easier next week, when you face The Sharvit Squad.
When you bench a superstar, it won’t get you very far. If you want to win the cup, maybe pick some players up.
ANOTHER RHYME! If you missed it reread it. NO, DON'T KEEP SCROLLING, REREAD IT! Guys, this is the only way I can meet my humour quota. Please read them.
MVP: William Nylander
LVP: Tyler Seguin (he was negative?)
Reason for hope: You’re still only two games back of first place.
#4 HAMILTON HUSKIES • 1-1
Cool. Cool cool cool.
A strong showing and a very near upset just isn't enough to propel Hamilton into the top three, but it was enough to earn the Huskies an upward trend (hence the green #4). This is a good team. Beware, YGFHL. They placed third in scoring both weeks, and that's without such players as Patrick Sharp, Jonathan Quick, and Sidney Crosby.
Coach Jerry Krotz was not distraught in the least over this week's defeat, as his boys showed sheer persistence coming back from a 69.4 — –1 Monday deficit. It took them maybe half the week to not only stage the comeback but take a sizeable 30+ point lead. Saturday saw it crumble to single digits, and it fell through the cracks on the final day. It was intense, to say the least.
According to several sources, the Huskies look like they will debut the league’s first mascot! Apparently though, it’s not a Husky, or any kind of dog, really. Reportedly, it’s a Capybara. When asked why the team might go in such a strange direction, owner Adam Sharvit asked, “What’s a capybara?”
See, this is because we were playing hangman and Sharvit didn’t know what a capybara was. It’s like a giant hamster. This is what happens when nobody talks to me. The Power Rankings are not funny this week, and it’s on you guys. All your faults. Not mine. Fuck you. Fuck the whole lot of you.
It’s actually quite surprising that Sharvit lost this week, seeing as he had this week in the bag on the very last turn of the week. Kind of like… how I had sweet, imminent victory in my very clutches on the last turn, but you had to pull two fucking victory points.
Again, this shit is not funny when I have nothing to go by. I give up.
I beat you in hockey, I beat you in school. But beat me in Catan? That’s just not cool.
Also, sweet logo, bro.
Hamilton plays North Korea next week, or what I like to call: THE BATTLE OF STAPLES!
Yes, I know Evan doesn’t work there anymore. You guys never let me have anything.
MVP: I’m inclined to say Voracek, but I’ll say Shea Weber because he won’t score that many again
LVP: Tyler Johnson
Reason for hope: You didn’t bench two shutouts this week.
#3 GUELPH GRYPHONS • 1-1
Sucks to be you, eh?
Guelph did what Halifax could not: give up their early-week lead and lose the matchup. They also did what Hamilton did: give up their Saturday lead and lose on the last day. I mean… it’s not good that Guelph did that. It’s actually very bad.
Let me be clear, though. This matchup was much, much closer and intense than Hamilton-Halifax, with multiple lead changes and drama throughout. It was closer, that is, until Sunday.
Yeah, it really wasn’t close at the end.
The Quidditch Crew got very busy this week, adding RW Richard Panik and 2nd owner Zac MacDonald. Yeah, majority-owner Ryan Balter sold a third of the team’s shares to MacDonald, who will reportedly also fill in an assistant GM role. Also, Panik is good, too.
Coach Todd Souvien still awaits Evander Kane to return from injury, so the LW can make his debut halfway through a matchup (cause he’d be late cause he slept in, get it? Get it? Get it?).
Despite failing to crack the top three in scoring this week (they’d need at least 35.8 to leapfrog Hamilton for third), the Gryphons are second in overall scoring, and their only loss came to this week’s Art Ross winner (for top scorer). Things are definitely looking good so far after last year’s surprise playoff squeak-in (yes, I’m still pissed about that).
Guelph be nimble, Guelph be quick, Guelph jump over the candlestick. Guelph be nimble, Guelph be spry, but Guelph still lose it by surprise.
Balter had a chance to speak with me over the weekend, but didn’t capitalize on it. By that, I mean that he messaged me and texted me a bunch of times on Saturday, but went AWOL on Sunday after my replies. Kind of like what Guelph did this week. Huh, look at that. I made a funny. Okay, Power Rankings done, I win. My cheque is in the mail, and I can take the rest of the week off.
Next week is Mars. Do not be fooled by their #6 ranking, as everyone knows they are clearly the fifth best team. Oh, look at that. I made another funny.
MVP: Patrik Laine
LVP: Martin Jones
Reason for hope: The Bruins crashed and burned, but your other players stepped it up. You didn’t win, but you can’t win them all. Especially if you suck.
#2 GRAND RAPIDS GOATS • 1-1
It feels a little unfair that I can’t drop North Korea from #3 to #6, but I can bump up GR from #5 to here.
Oh well. I make the rules.
You just heard the losing half of the story. Now it’s time for the winning half of the story. First two days see single-digit leads being traded like crazy. By Wednesday, Guelph’s got the upper hand, with a lead well into the teens. The Goats strike back on a big Thursday (during which they tallied 99.1 points) for a 30 point lead. Friday sees both teams stay at about par, before a massive Saturday from the Gryphons finds Grand Rapids trailing again, this time by 3.1. The final score?
378.7-318.8, Grand Rapids wins.
Dafuq?
Who the fuck scores 79 fantasy points on a Sunday? The late-week supernova launched the Goats into first in scoring on the week. We’re all accustomed to the Stier Saturday Special, but it appears he has monopolized the entire weekend. If you’re winning against Les Purples heading into the weekend, your goose is cooked. And especially don’t score a lot on Saturday. Just wait until Stier thinks he’s got it, and then win. Or don’t. I don’t know. My team doesn’t usually do well, so maybe don’t take advice from me.
Owner Adam Stier (the aforementioned Stier, as I’m sure you assumed) and Halifax owner Dan Ronel sat down in an interview with Derek Engels earlier this week, where the former admitted he’s, “Rooting for [Halifax] to beat Sharvit.” Yeah. We’re picking favourites now.
GUYS, THESE THINGS DON’T WRITE THEMSELVES! YOU NEED TO DO MORE STUPID SHIT FOR ME TO ROAST YOU ON!
In other news, Grand Rapids released Carl Hagelin from his PTO almost immediately after being signed. So… I guess you’re not an asshole after all.
GM Rob Surrey was working the phones this week, scoring a deal with Hamilton and talking trades with just about everyone. You can check the trade here.
Next week, you face... shit.
MVP: Zach Werenski
LVP: Ivan Provorov
Reason for hope: This team’s good, this team’s bad, this team sometimes makes you mad. But this team plays well, this team fights. Fuck, this team’s my kryptonite.
#1 HALIFAX VOYAGEURS • 2-0
There’s that journalistic bias we all know and (I) love!
I think you guys can reason with me here. For the first time in franchise history, the Halifax Voyageurs have gone 2-0, and are the only remaining team to go undefeated. So, yeah. I’m ranking me first, and there’s nothing you can do about it.
It wasn’t easy, not at all. I almost saw my record fall. But with some skill, and with some luck, I pulled it off, like, holy fuck.
I hope you enjoyed my rhymes. That’s kinda the last one.
A couple of season breakouts helped here. Evgeny Kuznetsov finally ended his scoring drought, dating back to the final 17 games of last season. TJ Oshie potted two, while Gustav Nyquist caught fire and forgot to stop and drop, so roll with it. Price made his debut the only way he knows how, with two wins. Henrik Sedin and Loui Eriksson kept the Canucks-train alive. Taylor Hall got his first goal with the Devils (and his second, and third). Also, Ryan McDonagh with five apples, Jesus-fucking-Christ.
I wonder if they’ve all figured out I’m using actual hockey talk as filler for the Power Rankings because I have nothing funny to talk about. Or if they figured out I’m making shitty rhymes for that same reason.
Fuck you, guys. You get what you get, and you don’t get upset.
Okay, that was the last one. I swear.
In other news, owner Daniel Ronel bought all of Vimal Sivakumar’s shares of the franchise, becoming the lone owner of the franchise and ending a short-lived partnership with Sivakumar. Unfortunately, it appears to be the conclusion of his two-time ownership in the YGFHL, as he has expressed that he has no desire to become sole owner of any team, current or expansion.
Part three of the four game road trip to start the season continues in Grand Rapids. I’m begging you, Halifax. Make me proud. Please, give me an excuse to rank you here next week. I don’t want to have an uprising when I do it anyways.
MVP: Ryan McDonagh
LVP: Brian Elliott, second week in a row
Reason for hope: Um, well, how about YOU’RE 2-0 FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER! Play it cool, play it cool, don’t let anyone see how excited you ARE OH MY GOD YOU’RE 2-0 OH MY GOD OH MY GOD!!!
The grammar will be bad and if you feel the need to point that out please be prepared to make a fist with your right hand and shake it back and forth so you can visualize my response to those complaints.
The Power Rankings are composed based on performance, record, and a glance at the team rosters...........
Throughout the season, I will the number rank a colour based on how the team is trending: green (trending up), red (trending down, like my math marks over the years), and gray (consistent... or you simply can't become more extreme, either first or worst). THE RANK ITSELF IS NOT REFLECTIVE OF THIS.
Along with a weekly Most Valuable Player, there will be a Least Valuable Player included for each team as well, from now on. Like the MVP, the LVP isn't simply the most/least fantasy points achieved on the week. If a depth player performs near the top of the team, then they may be awarded the MVP; likewise, if a superstar has an off week, they may end up being the team donkey. It is almost entirely subjective, but within reason. I may target a player for being clutch (or not being clutch) in a close matchup towards the end of the week. If your favourite player isn't picked, go tell Ron Wilson, and he'll tell you about how inconsistent they are. I don't want to hear it. For the 2016-17 season and onward, I will not be posting statistics along with the player, just the recipient of said honours.
And finally, please have fun with these as I intend to, and try to ignore the fact that I copied the beginning of Clint J. Gritt's weekly power rankings from the Triple Play Dynasty baseball league.
#6 MARS MARTIANS • 1-1
I know you aren’t going to like this. I am honestly apologetic. Another win would easily lift you a few spots up. I just couldn’t justify dropping North Korea (3rd) or Guelph (1st) that far, and the other two 1-1 teams (Hamilton and Grand Rapids) placed in the top half of the week’s scoring. I couldn’t justify them moving even slightly downwards.
So there you are. Cellar duty.
To put owner Isaac Reich at ease, this is still a good team with a lot of potential. Some explosions from unexpected sources (hi there, Cammalleri and Seabrook) helped lift the M’s above the now-only 0-2 club in the league, while scoring under 300 on the week.
Part of me wants to stop talking about hockey and start cracking jokes, or I might get fired (just kidding, I wouldn’t ever fire me). But Isaac and I barely spoke this week, the exception being a brief conversation in which I discovered that someone in the league actually wanted to take Jesse Puljujärvi off my hands. Okay, yeah, that is actually kind of funny.
He’s bad, is my point.
GM Steve Xzerman is still insistent that the goaltending woes don’t actually exist. The non-Dubnyk backstoppers combined for 9.3 fantasy points on the week. That’s THREE goalies, averaging 3.1 per goalie this week. Even if we’re assuming each goalie only played one game (which we know is not true), that’s terrible. According to statistician and journalist Andrew Berkfire, the goalies were playing like this.
But seriously. I have no clue what Isaac did this week. I can’t make fun of him. This sucks.
Mars have scored 507 fantasy points through two weeks, placing him fifth on the scoring chart. That’s, like, bad. Fix it.
Next up: not me (and not North Korea again), so someone tied with Mars. Upon further research, I can say with certainty that said up-next team is the Gryphons.
I always rank the Martians low, but that’s not the truth, you know? If you keep on doing well, I’ll keep saying, “go to hell.”
It rhymed. If you didn't notice, read it again. DO NOT KEEP SCROLLING, READ THAT LAST LINE AGAIN.
MVP: Matt Duchene
LVP: Corey Crawford, second week in a row
Reason for hope: Your winning percentage is .500, which is something most teams will see as a pipe dream by the time the playoffs swing around. Seriously, why does one team (or two) always just muck?
#5 NORTH KOREA KOMODOS • 0-2
Once again, the actual worst team is ranked 5 based on technical bullshit. Poor Isaac.
I don’t know what to say.
Oh, wait, yes I do. UPDATE, FOR CHRIST SAKE! Don’t be a ME! It never works! At least you made sure Auston Matthews was playing — the kid notched 11.6 on the week. But, still! Lazy ownership is not going to help you!
You have now scored the least amount of fantasy points thus far, with 425.7 on the season. You also have won the least amount of games thus far, with 0 on the season. Opponents have scored 545.7 on The Dictators, good for second-least in the league — only Mars has fewer (hmm, interesting). Something’s got to give, or it’s going to be a long season for the team on the other side of the world.
Much like Reich, Komodos owner Evan Presement didn’t do anything outwardly noticeable. Hell, I’m not really sure what any of you guys did. I’m just going to take shots at your teams like I always do, and hope that suffices your lust for humour. Lust for humour. Lust… for humour… I’m good with words.
Shut up.
North Korea is trying to make things work with guys like Brandon Saad, Jussi Jokinen, Boone Jenner, Bobby Ryan, Nick Leddy, and Henrik Zetterberg. Now, I’m going to check to see how each one did this week and they’re all going to have scored like 20 points each. Fuck me.
Saad — 1.3
Jokinen — 1.6
Jenner — 5.7
Ryan — 1
Leddy — –1.6
Zetterberg — Did not play for NKO this week
Wow. What the hell is right with me?
Anyway, this was a freebie against a team that would have lost to anyone else last week, and, as Jay Onrait would say, ya blew it! It won’t get any easier next week, when you face The Sharvit Squad.
When you bench a superstar, it won’t get you very far. If you want to win the cup, maybe pick some players up.
ANOTHER RHYME! If you missed it reread it. NO, DON'T KEEP SCROLLING, REREAD IT! Guys, this is the only way I can meet my humour quota. Please read them.
MVP: William Nylander
LVP: Tyler Seguin (he was negative?)
Reason for hope: You’re still only two games back of first place.
#4 HAMILTON HUSKIES • 1-1
Cool. Cool cool cool.
A strong showing and a very near upset just isn't enough to propel Hamilton into the top three, but it was enough to earn the Huskies an upward trend (hence the green #4). This is a good team. Beware, YGFHL. They placed third in scoring both weeks, and that's without such players as Patrick Sharp, Jonathan Quick, and Sidney Crosby.
Coach Jerry Krotz was not distraught in the least over this week's defeat, as his boys showed sheer persistence coming back from a 69.4 — –1 Monday deficit. It took them maybe half the week to not only stage the comeback but take a sizeable 30+ point lead. Saturday saw it crumble to single digits, and it fell through the cracks on the final day. It was intense, to say the least.
According to several sources, the Huskies look like they will debut the league’s first mascot! Apparently though, it’s not a Husky, or any kind of dog, really. Reportedly, it’s a Capybara. When asked why the team might go in such a strange direction, owner Adam Sharvit asked, “What’s a capybara?”
See, this is because we were playing hangman and Sharvit didn’t know what a capybara was. It’s like a giant hamster. This is what happens when nobody talks to me. The Power Rankings are not funny this week, and it’s on you guys. All your faults. Not mine. Fuck you. Fuck the whole lot of you.
It’s actually quite surprising that Sharvit lost this week, seeing as he had this week in the bag on the very last turn of the week. Kind of like… how I had sweet, imminent victory in my very clutches on the last turn, but you had to pull two fucking victory points.
Again, this shit is not funny when I have nothing to go by. I give up.
I beat you in hockey, I beat you in school. But beat me in Catan? That’s just not cool.
Also, sweet logo, bro.
Hamilton plays North Korea next week, or what I like to call: THE BATTLE OF STAPLES!
Yes, I know Evan doesn’t work there anymore. You guys never let me have anything.
MVP: I’m inclined to say Voracek, but I’ll say Shea Weber because he won’t score that many again
LVP: Tyler Johnson
Reason for hope: You didn’t bench two shutouts this week.
#3 GUELPH GRYPHONS • 1-1
Sucks to be you, eh?
Guelph did what Halifax could not: give up their early-week lead and lose the matchup. They also did what Hamilton did: give up their Saturday lead and lose on the last day. I mean… it’s not good that Guelph did that. It’s actually very bad.
Let me be clear, though. This matchup was much, much closer and intense than Hamilton-Halifax, with multiple lead changes and drama throughout. It was closer, that is, until Sunday.
Yeah, it really wasn’t close at the end.
The Quidditch Crew got very busy this week, adding RW Richard Panik and 2nd owner Zac MacDonald. Yeah, majority-owner Ryan Balter sold a third of the team’s shares to MacDonald, who will reportedly also fill in an assistant GM role. Also, Panik is good, too.
Coach Todd Souvien still awaits Evander Kane to return from injury, so the LW can make his debut halfway through a matchup (cause he’d be late cause he slept in, get it? Get it? Get it?).
Despite failing to crack the top three in scoring this week (they’d need at least 35.8 to leapfrog Hamilton for third), the Gryphons are second in overall scoring, and their only loss came to this week’s Art Ross winner (for top scorer). Things are definitely looking good so far after last year’s surprise playoff squeak-in (yes, I’m still pissed about that).
Guelph be nimble, Guelph be quick, Guelph jump over the candlestick. Guelph be nimble, Guelph be spry, but Guelph still lose it by surprise.
Balter had a chance to speak with me over the weekend, but didn’t capitalize on it. By that, I mean that he messaged me and texted me a bunch of times on Saturday, but went AWOL on Sunday after my replies. Kind of like what Guelph did this week. Huh, look at that. I made a funny. Okay, Power Rankings done, I win. My cheque is in the mail, and I can take the rest of the week off.
Next week is Mars. Do not be fooled by their #6 ranking, as everyone knows they are clearly the fifth best team. Oh, look at that. I made another funny.
MVP: Patrik Laine
LVP: Martin Jones
Reason for hope: The Bruins crashed and burned, but your other players stepped it up. You didn’t win, but you can’t win them all. Especially if you suck.
#2 GRAND RAPIDS GOATS • 1-1
It feels a little unfair that I can’t drop North Korea from #3 to #6, but I can bump up GR from #5 to here.
Oh well. I make the rules.
You just heard the losing half of the story. Now it’s time for the winning half of the story. First two days see single-digit leads being traded like crazy. By Wednesday, Guelph’s got the upper hand, with a lead well into the teens. The Goats strike back on a big Thursday (during which they tallied 99.1 points) for a 30 point lead. Friday sees both teams stay at about par, before a massive Saturday from the Gryphons finds Grand Rapids trailing again, this time by 3.1. The final score?
378.7-318.8, Grand Rapids wins.
Dafuq?
Who the fuck scores 79 fantasy points on a Sunday? The late-week supernova launched the Goats into first in scoring on the week. We’re all accustomed to the Stier Saturday Special, but it appears he has monopolized the entire weekend. If you’re winning against Les Purples heading into the weekend, your goose is cooked. And especially don’t score a lot on Saturday. Just wait until Stier thinks he’s got it, and then win. Or don’t. I don’t know. My team doesn’t usually do well, so maybe don’t take advice from me.
Owner Adam Stier (the aforementioned Stier, as I’m sure you assumed) and Halifax owner Dan Ronel sat down in an interview with Derek Engels earlier this week, where the former admitted he’s, “Rooting for [Halifax] to beat Sharvit.” Yeah. We’re picking favourites now.
GUYS, THESE THINGS DON’T WRITE THEMSELVES! YOU NEED TO DO MORE STUPID SHIT FOR ME TO ROAST YOU ON!
In other news, Grand Rapids released Carl Hagelin from his PTO almost immediately after being signed. So… I guess you’re not an asshole after all.
GM Rob Surrey was working the phones this week, scoring a deal with Hamilton and talking trades with just about everyone. You can check the trade here.
Next week, you face... shit.
MVP: Zach Werenski
LVP: Ivan Provorov
Reason for hope: This team’s good, this team’s bad, this team sometimes makes you mad. But this team plays well, this team fights. Fuck, this team’s my kryptonite.
#1 HALIFAX VOYAGEURS • 2-0
There’s that journalistic bias we all know and (I) love!
I think you guys can reason with me here. For the first time in franchise history, the Halifax Voyageurs have gone 2-0, and are the only remaining team to go undefeated. So, yeah. I’m ranking me first, and there’s nothing you can do about it.
It wasn’t easy, not at all. I almost saw my record fall. But with some skill, and with some luck, I pulled it off, like, holy fuck.
I hope you enjoyed my rhymes. That’s kinda the last one.
A couple of season breakouts helped here. Evgeny Kuznetsov finally ended his scoring drought, dating back to the final 17 games of last season. TJ Oshie potted two, while Gustav Nyquist caught fire and forgot to stop and drop, so roll with it. Price made his debut the only way he knows how, with two wins. Henrik Sedin and Loui Eriksson kept the Canucks-train alive. Taylor Hall got his first goal with the Devils (and his second, and third). Also, Ryan McDonagh with five apples, Jesus-fucking-Christ.
I wonder if they’ve all figured out I’m using actual hockey talk as filler for the Power Rankings because I have nothing funny to talk about. Or if they figured out I’m making shitty rhymes for that same reason.
Fuck you, guys. You get what you get, and you don’t get upset.
Okay, that was the last one. I swear.
In other news, owner Daniel Ronel bought all of Vimal Sivakumar’s shares of the franchise, becoming the lone owner of the franchise and ending a short-lived partnership with Sivakumar. Unfortunately, it appears to be the conclusion of his two-time ownership in the YGFHL, as he has expressed that he has no desire to become sole owner of any team, current or expansion.
Part three of the four game road trip to start the season continues in Grand Rapids. I’m begging you, Halifax. Make me proud. Please, give me an excuse to rank you here next week. I don’t want to have an uprising when I do it anyways.
MVP: Ryan McDonagh
LVP: Brian Elliott, second week in a row
Reason for hope: Um, well, how about YOU’RE 2-0 FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER! Play it cool, play it cool, don’t let anyone see how excited you ARE OH MY GOD YOU’RE 2-0 OH MY GOD OH MY GOD!!!