Post by GoVoysGo on Oct 17, 2016 13:04:27 GMT -5
These boards will be used for the weekly power rankings. I thought it would be nice to suggest how this league appears to shape up ahead of this upcoming season. I will be posting the weekly power rankings in one part each week. There will be no bottom half first part, also known as the glass half full half, nor the MC Hammer second portion (Too Legit too Quit). If you get offended that is OK we weren't going to spend Christmas together anyways. For the 2016-17 season, I'll be doing the rankings in reverse. I'm not sure if it's supposed to build suspension, or just because writers tend to save the best for last, but I'm going to follow suit. If you don't like it, go fuck yourself.
The grammar will be bad and if you feel the need to point that out please be prepared to make a fist with your right hand and shake it back and forth so you can visualize my response to those complaints.
The Power Rankings are composed based on performance, record, and a glance at the team rosters...........
Throughout the season, I will the number rank a colour based on how the team is trending: green (trending up), red (trending down, like my math marks over the years), and gray (consistent... or you simply can't become more extreme, either first or worst). THE RANK ITSELF IS NOT REFLECTIVE OF THIS.
Along with a weekly Most Valuable Player, there will be a Least Valuable Player included for each team as well, from now on. Like the MVP, the LVP isn't simply the most/least fantasy points achieved on the week. If a depth player performs near the top of the team, then they may be awarded the MVP; likewise, if a superstar has an off week, they may end up being the team donkey. It is almost entirely subjective, but within reason. I may target a player for being clutch (or not being clutch) in a close matchup towards the end of the week. If your favourite player isn't picked, go tell Ron Wilson, and he'll tell you about how inconsistent they are. I don't want to hear it. For the 2016-17 season and onward, I will not be posting statistics along with the player, just the recipient of said honours.
And finally, please have fun with these as I intend to, and try to ignore the fact that I copied the beginning of Clint J. Gritt's weekly power rankings from the Triple Play Dynasty baseball league.
#7 AUSTON MATTHEWS • 4-0
I'm going to go ahead and assume that Auston Matthews is his own team. Not just because he has more goals than a good deal of NHL teams, but also because he wasn't in any YGFHL lineup and therefore must be his own team.
MVP: Auston Matthews
LVP: Evan Presement
Reason for hope: www.youtube.com/watch?v=ph2HLOxP44I
#6 MARS MARTIANS • 0-1
Yeah, I ranked you last. Yeah, you're gonna take it, asshole.
Part of the difficulty in doing these Power Rankings is figuring out which team did worse. I mean, there was another team I should have given donkey-duty this week, but I didn't (for reasons explained later).
Kid, you've got some good stuff there. Forsberg played well. Backes killed it. Draisaitl mucked out there. You've got some good stuff, for sure. But I'll stop the sugar coating; you're not winning shit with that ass-like defensive corps. You've got one-and-a-half good blueliners (as in, Letang will only play half the season). Get some goalies too, while you're at it. Chicago might be good enough to settle for Crawford, but you sure as shit aren't.
Let's give credit where it's due, however. The Martians GM (I feel like it's Sean Combardi... I don't even fucking remember anymore, fuck this shit) did sniff around the league for d-men — reports out of Dartmouth claim Halifax Voyageurs GM James McEnroy was contacted about John Carlson, and TFSN's James Duffy confirmed Mars was interested in Grand Rapids' Dustin Byfuglien — but was unable to get anything done. That seems to be a recurring theme for the owner (and I'm not talking about hockey, just in general).
After dropping the home opener to the Voys, the team from Mars will head over to another planet next week — North Korea, that is — where they'll face the Komodos. Diehard Korea fan Dennis Rodman tweeted, "heads held high boys les get the next one Mars you aint nothin". You aint nothin, Mars. Nothin indeed.
MVP: David Backes
LVP: Corey Crawford
Reason for hope: Grand Rapids lost the 2015 Max Sky Cup Finals, before winning it all in 2016. You made the Finals last year. This means something, and I'm sure someone will tell me what that is. I hope.
#5 GRAND RAPIDS GOATS • 0-1
Isaac Reich had the misfortune of not being the outgoing Max Sky Cup champion. But we all know who really disappointed this week.
Playing host to the Hamilton Huskies (you know, the only other team to have ever won this league), this was not quite the banner-raising that owner Adam Stier had in mind. Perhaps unceremoniously, the Goats ended this "week" as the lowest scorer in the league at a time when they hoped to appear as the strongest.
Appearing on "On The Record" with Michael Landslide, Stier discussed the outlook for his squad this season. When Landslide mentioned that this is "the first time we don't see Grand Rapids win on opening week in YGFHL history," Stier joked, "I know. Might tank. Get better keepers."
(In case you are wondering, I have actual proof Stier uttered those words)
A quick glance at the team gives a good impression of a team that just won a championship: still solid and well spread-out, with most of its core intact, but missing depth as a result of the salary cap. Grand Rapids has a sound balance between centremen, wingers, blueliners, and brick walls. At least, it will be once Matt Murray comes back.
GM Rob Surrey made a solid heads-up acquisition, plucking Jeff Zatkoff from the waiver wire on an interim basis. As Combardi would do with Ben Scrivens and Martin Jones while managing the Goats, Surrey made sure to take the goaltending equivalent of Teddy Purcell playing with Steven Stamkos (or, as we now call it, the dead octopus). If Scrivens and Jones — or more importantly, just Scrivens — are anything to go by, LA Kings goalies are unusually proficient cash cows (assuming the cash is fantasy points and the cow is Claude Julien). Since top hockey news outlet Puck Talk has confirmed Jonathan Quick will be out for at least a few months, this could end up being a key move for Les Purples (fuck you, they're French-American now, I said so).
Next week, the Goats will take a trip to Guelph (and maybe pay me a visit first), where they'll play their first actual weeklong matchup. Fuck half-weeks. Fuck 'em.
MVP: Blake Wheeler
LVP: Tie between John Tavares and Patrick Kane
Reason for wow, you're an asshole: Hey fucker, what happened to not picking up Carl Hagelin?
#4 HAMILTON HUSKIES • 1-0
You may not have the password to your Rogers account (#relevant), but you do have a win. Granted, all you had to do was not be lowest scorer of the week, but a win is a win.
Robert Norris Trophy nominee (and former winner) Jerry Krotz looks sharp right out of the gate, mixing and matching the lineups until he found something that clicked. Both the Huskies and the Goats had tremendously slow starts to the week, but fair play to Krotz as he tended to his issues early.
Hamilton looks like easily the best team on paper, but you know what they say about paper. It makes an ass out of you and me. Wait, no. That's what they say about inferring.
By the way, you do know that you're supposed to ice six blueliners, not none, right?
With the news that Jonathan Quick is injured and John Gibson is playing for Anaheim, the Sharvit Squad don't have much in the way of goaltending. I guess they'll be rooting for Florida and Toronto this year (or as I like to call it, The Reimer Connection).
Speaking of which, I was just looking back at some of the old power rankings, and I noticed that in the first matchup of the 2014-15 season you benched two shutouts. I even mentioned that I’m never letting it go. Well, here we are. Two years later, and I’m still not letting it go. You fucked up. I don’t even care if you won that year. YOU. FUCKED. UP. Fuck you.
GM Jon Baloney didn't do anything overtly funny this week, which makes me sad.
MVP: Jordan Eberle
LVP: John Gibson
Reason for hope: I hear this year, they're awarding the winning owner a kilo of sour candy.
#3 NORTH KOREA KOMODOS • 0-1
Hey, don’t bench your fucking players.
Seriously, don’t bench your fucking players.
This week will leave a lot of North Korea fans with a bad taste in their mouths. After a highly anticipated Auston Matthews debut never happened, the Komodos lost to the Quidditch Crew (yeah, I’m bringing it back, fuck anyone who doesn’t like it), and you have to wonder if benching Matthews cost them the game. Coach Mabcock faces a challenge and a half this year with a haplessly young team, but if anyone can make a ruthless squad of them yet, it’ll be him.
We couldn’t reach owner Evan Presement for a comment on benching Matthews, but we imagine he’d say, “[expletive].”
Next week, North Korea plays Mars… what the fuck even is this league. Mars, but not the planet. Just a shitty little town in PA. And North Korea. Man, you guys are fucked.
After a decent outing for week one, look for NKO to step it up.
And don’t bench your fucking players.
MVP: OH SUBBAN! *Stier in the distance* OH PK!
LVP: The bench
Reason for hope: OH PK! *Stier in the distance* OH SUBBAN OHHHH!
Reason for despair: Don’t bench your fucking players.
#2 HALIFAX VOYAGEURS • 1-0
Hey, what happened to bias, asshole?
Yep, I’m showing restraint, guys. I’m not ranking me first!
The Voys were the second highest scorer this week, good enough for the victory over Mars (seriously, MARS, but not the planet). That’s thanks to St. Louis, Chicago, San Jose, and… that’s really about it. Oh, and this guy.
Owners Daniel Ronel and Vimal Sivakumar were thrilled with the showing their players gave this week. The line of Steen-McDavid-Okposo was absolutely dominant, while the defence was obviously the best in the league this week. In fact, the centremen, wingers, and blueliners were fantastic.
Those are the only positions in hockey, right? I’m not missing any, am I?
WHERE ARE YOUR GOALIES?
In this week’s Most Trivial Annoyance, number two for the Voys was the fact that the only win the team got was from a goalie they dropped (not to mention that Price is still on the IR). The first Most Trivial Annoyance, of course, is the fact that I’m calling them the Voys and there’s literally a 0% chance that sticks.
Ronel earns two wins this week, as he starts to effectively put in motion a plan for expansion, with half the league already on board. If I haven’t spoken to you about this yet, feel free to meet me at Gryphs for dinner some time this week and we can discuss it over dinner (unless you’re Evan, in which case you’re kinda fucked).
Halifax continues its road trip, where it looks to continue dominating against the also-undefeated Sharvit Squad, who hates fun and doesn’t do podcasts. Will Hamilton bench a shutout this week? It wouldn’t be the first time (or second).
MVP: C-C-C-CONNORRRRRR… MC… DAAAAVIIIIDDDD!!!!!!
LVP: Brian Elliott
Reason for hope: Both owners are neck high with work and midterm studying, which means both of them are unable to update 80% of the time. If both owners stagger their availability, they can combine to update for 40% of the time!
#1 GUELPH GRYPHONS • 1-0
And ranked first, to much surprise, the Boston Bruins.
Wait, you have other players?
GM Rod Heaney loves playing pranks. He dared NKO coach Blake Mabcock to bench a random player. He pretended to have a bad roster so everyone would be surprise when the Gryphons would win an Art Ross (for highest scorer of the week). And you should have seen the offer he made to Halifax. Voys GM James McEnroy was not happy.
The Quidditch Crew (fuck you, I’m bringing it back) have a whole lot to prove this year, as many pundits — specifically from Green Bay and Halifax — called last year’s playoff berth “a fluke”. Was it a fluke? So far, it doesn’t look it. But before we go planning the parade, let’s remember that the Portland Juggernauts (the now-Halifax Voyageurs) were the highest scorer in week one. So, yeah. Don’t get too excited.
It might be tough for Guelph to repeat this week’s success. Apparently Heaney is too busy to meet with anyone for dinner ‘n trade talks. Stupid Quidditch practice.
By the way, next time you offer me Donskoi for McDavid, I'm ranking you 7th.
Guelph and Grand Rapids clash next. Highest scorer vs lowest scorer. As we all know, the YGFHL hates logic, so I’m going to say the Goats are winning this one.
MVP: 3-way tie between Brad Marchand and Davids Pastrnak and Krejci
LVP: Artemi Panarin (although he somehow already has dual eligibility)
Reason for hope: Your team is good enough that the other players will step up when the Bruins crash and burn.
The grammar will be bad and if you feel the need to point that out please be prepared to make a fist with your right hand and shake it back and forth so you can visualize my response to those complaints.
The Power Rankings are composed based on performance, record, and a glance at the team rosters...........
Throughout the season, I will the number rank a colour based on how the team is trending: green (trending up), red (trending down, like my math marks over the years), and gray (consistent... or you simply can't become more extreme, either first or worst). THE RANK ITSELF IS NOT REFLECTIVE OF THIS.
Along with a weekly Most Valuable Player, there will be a Least Valuable Player included for each team as well, from now on. Like the MVP, the LVP isn't simply the most/least fantasy points achieved on the week. If a depth player performs near the top of the team, then they may be awarded the MVP; likewise, if a superstar has an off week, they may end up being the team donkey. It is almost entirely subjective, but within reason. I may target a player for being clutch (or not being clutch) in a close matchup towards the end of the week. If your favourite player isn't picked, go tell Ron Wilson, and he'll tell you about how inconsistent they are. I don't want to hear it. For the 2016-17 season and onward, I will not be posting statistics along with the player, just the recipient of said honours.
And finally, please have fun with these as I intend to, and try to ignore the fact that I copied the beginning of Clint J. Gritt's weekly power rankings from the Triple Play Dynasty baseball league.
#7 AUSTON MATTHEWS • 4-0
I'm going to go ahead and assume that Auston Matthews is his own team. Not just because he has more goals than a good deal of NHL teams, but also because he wasn't in any YGFHL lineup and therefore must be his own team.
MVP: Auston Matthews
LVP: Evan Presement
Reason for hope: www.youtube.com/watch?v=ph2HLOxP44I
#6 MARS MARTIANS • 0-1
Yeah, I ranked you last. Yeah, you're gonna take it, asshole.
Part of the difficulty in doing these Power Rankings is figuring out which team did worse. I mean, there was another team I should have given donkey-duty this week, but I didn't (for reasons explained later).
Kid, you've got some good stuff there. Forsberg played well. Backes killed it. Draisaitl mucked out there. You've got some good stuff, for sure. But I'll stop the sugar coating; you're not winning shit with that ass-like defensive corps. You've got one-and-a-half good blueliners (as in, Letang will only play half the season). Get some goalies too, while you're at it. Chicago might be good enough to settle for Crawford, but you sure as shit aren't.
Let's give credit where it's due, however. The Martians GM (I feel like it's Sean Combardi... I don't even fucking remember anymore, fuck this shit) did sniff around the league for d-men — reports out of Dartmouth claim Halifax Voyageurs GM James McEnroy was contacted about John Carlson, and TFSN's James Duffy confirmed Mars was interested in Grand Rapids' Dustin Byfuglien — but was unable to get anything done. That seems to be a recurring theme for the owner (and I'm not talking about hockey, just in general).
After dropping the home opener to the Voys, the team from Mars will head over to another planet next week — North Korea, that is — where they'll face the Komodos. Diehard Korea fan Dennis Rodman tweeted, "heads held high boys les get the next one Mars you aint nothin". You aint nothin, Mars. Nothin indeed.
MVP: David Backes
LVP: Corey Crawford
Reason for hope: Grand Rapids lost the 2015 Max Sky Cup Finals, before winning it all in 2016. You made the Finals last year. This means something, and I'm sure someone will tell me what that is. I hope.
#5 GRAND RAPIDS GOATS • 0-1
Isaac Reich had the misfortune of not being the outgoing Max Sky Cup champion. But we all know who really disappointed this week.
Playing host to the Hamilton Huskies (you know, the only other team to have ever won this league), this was not quite the banner-raising that owner Adam Stier had in mind. Perhaps unceremoniously, the Goats ended this "week" as the lowest scorer in the league at a time when they hoped to appear as the strongest.
Appearing on "On The Record" with Michael Landslide, Stier discussed the outlook for his squad this season. When Landslide mentioned that this is "the first time we don't see Grand Rapids win on opening week in YGFHL history," Stier joked, "I know. Might tank. Get better keepers."
(In case you are wondering, I have actual proof Stier uttered those words)
A quick glance at the team gives a good impression of a team that just won a championship: still solid and well spread-out, with most of its core intact, but missing depth as a result of the salary cap. Grand Rapids has a sound balance between centremen, wingers, blueliners, and brick walls. At least, it will be once Matt Murray comes back.
GM Rob Surrey made a solid heads-up acquisition, plucking Jeff Zatkoff from the waiver wire on an interim basis. As Combardi would do with Ben Scrivens and Martin Jones while managing the Goats, Surrey made sure to take the goaltending equivalent of Teddy Purcell playing with Steven Stamkos (or, as we now call it, the dead octopus). If Scrivens and Jones — or more importantly, just Scrivens — are anything to go by, LA Kings goalies are unusually proficient cash cows (assuming the cash is fantasy points and the cow is Claude Julien). Since top hockey news outlet Puck Talk has confirmed Jonathan Quick will be out for at least a few months, this could end up being a key move for Les Purples (fuck you, they're French-American now, I said so).
Next week, the Goats will take a trip to Guelph (and maybe pay me a visit first), where they'll play their first actual weeklong matchup. Fuck half-weeks. Fuck 'em.
MVP: Blake Wheeler
LVP: Tie between John Tavares and Patrick Kane
Reason for wow, you're an asshole: Hey fucker, what happened to not picking up Carl Hagelin?
#4 HAMILTON HUSKIES • 1-0
You may not have the password to your Rogers account (#relevant), but you do have a win. Granted, all you had to do was not be lowest scorer of the week, but a win is a win.
Robert Norris Trophy nominee (and former winner) Jerry Krotz looks sharp right out of the gate, mixing and matching the lineups until he found something that clicked. Both the Huskies and the Goats had tremendously slow starts to the week, but fair play to Krotz as he tended to his issues early.
Hamilton looks like easily the best team on paper, but you know what they say about paper. It makes an ass out of you and me. Wait, no. That's what they say about inferring.
By the way, you do know that you're supposed to ice six blueliners, not none, right?
With the news that Jonathan Quick is injured and John Gibson is playing for Anaheim, the Sharvit Squad don't have much in the way of goaltending. I guess they'll be rooting for Florida and Toronto this year (or as I like to call it, The Reimer Connection).
Speaking of which, I was just looking back at some of the old power rankings, and I noticed that in the first matchup of the 2014-15 season you benched two shutouts. I even mentioned that I’m never letting it go. Well, here we are. Two years later, and I’m still not letting it go. You fucked up. I don’t even care if you won that year. YOU. FUCKED. UP. Fuck you.
GM Jon Baloney didn't do anything overtly funny this week, which makes me sad.
MVP: Jordan Eberle
LVP: John Gibson
Reason for hope: I hear this year, they're awarding the winning owner a kilo of sour candy.
#3 NORTH KOREA KOMODOS • 0-1
Hey, don’t bench your fucking players.
Seriously, don’t bench your fucking players.
This week will leave a lot of North Korea fans with a bad taste in their mouths. After a highly anticipated Auston Matthews debut never happened, the Komodos lost to the Quidditch Crew (yeah, I’m bringing it back, fuck anyone who doesn’t like it), and you have to wonder if benching Matthews cost them the game. Coach Mabcock faces a challenge and a half this year with a haplessly young team, but if anyone can make a ruthless squad of them yet, it’ll be him.
We couldn’t reach owner Evan Presement for a comment on benching Matthews, but we imagine he’d say, “[expletive].”
Next week, North Korea plays Mars… what the fuck even is this league. Mars, but not the planet. Just a shitty little town in PA. And North Korea. Man, you guys are fucked.
After a decent outing for week one, look for NKO to step it up.
And don’t bench your fucking players.
MVP: OH SUBBAN! *Stier in the distance* OH PK!
LVP: The bench
Reason for hope: OH PK! *Stier in the distance* OH SUBBAN OHHHH!
Reason for despair: Don’t bench your fucking players.
#2 HALIFAX VOYAGEURS • 1-0
Hey, what happened to bias, asshole?
Yep, I’m showing restraint, guys. I’m not ranking me first!
The Voys were the second highest scorer this week, good enough for the victory over Mars (seriously, MARS, but not the planet). That’s thanks to St. Louis, Chicago, San Jose, and… that’s really about it. Oh, and this guy.
Owners Daniel Ronel and Vimal Sivakumar were thrilled with the showing their players gave this week. The line of Steen-McDavid-Okposo was absolutely dominant, while the defence was obviously the best in the league this week. In fact, the centremen, wingers, and blueliners were fantastic.
Those are the only positions in hockey, right? I’m not missing any, am I?
WHERE ARE YOUR GOALIES?
In this week’s Most Trivial Annoyance, number two for the Voys was the fact that the only win the team got was from a goalie they dropped (not to mention that Price is still on the IR). The first Most Trivial Annoyance, of course, is the fact that I’m calling them the Voys and there’s literally a 0% chance that sticks.
Ronel earns two wins this week, as he starts to effectively put in motion a plan for expansion, with half the league already on board. If I haven’t spoken to you about this yet, feel free to meet me at Gryphs for dinner some time this week and we can discuss it over dinner (unless you’re Evan, in which case you’re kinda fucked).
Halifax continues its road trip, where it looks to continue dominating against the also-undefeated Sharvit Squad, who hates fun and doesn’t do podcasts. Will Hamilton bench a shutout this week? It wouldn’t be the first time (or second).
MVP: C-C-C-CONNORRRRRR… MC… DAAAAVIIIIDDDD!!!!!!
LVP: Brian Elliott
Reason for hope: Both owners are neck high with work and midterm studying, which means both of them are unable to update 80% of the time. If both owners stagger their availability, they can combine to update for 40% of the time!
#1 GUELPH GRYPHONS • 1-0
And ranked first, to much surprise, the Boston Bruins.
Wait, you have other players?
GM Rod Heaney loves playing pranks. He dared NKO coach Blake Mabcock to bench a random player. He pretended to have a bad roster so everyone would be surprise when the Gryphons would win an Art Ross (for highest scorer of the week). And you should have seen the offer he made to Halifax. Voys GM James McEnroy was not happy.
The Quidditch Crew (fuck you, I’m bringing it back) have a whole lot to prove this year, as many pundits — specifically from Green Bay and Halifax — called last year’s playoff berth “a fluke”. Was it a fluke? So far, it doesn’t look it. But before we go planning the parade, let’s remember that the Portland Juggernauts (the now-Halifax Voyageurs) were the highest scorer in week one. So, yeah. Don’t get too excited.
It might be tough for Guelph to repeat this week’s success. Apparently Heaney is too busy to meet with anyone for dinner ‘n trade talks. Stupid Quidditch practice.
By the way, next time you offer me Donskoi for McDavid, I'm ranking you 7th.
Guelph and Grand Rapids clash next. Highest scorer vs lowest scorer. As we all know, the YGFHL hates logic, so I’m going to say the Goats are winning this one.
MVP: 3-way tie between Brad Marchand and Davids Pastrnak and Krejci
LVP: Artemi Panarin (although he somehow already has dual eligibility)
Reason for hope: Your team is good enough that the other players will step up when the Bruins crash and burn.