Post by GoVoysGo on Nov 9, 2014 16:18:59 GMT -5
These boards will be used for the weekly power rankings. I thought it would be nice to suggest how this league appears to shape up ahead of this upcoming season. I will be posting the weekly power rankings in one part each week. There will be no bottom half first part, also known as the glass half full half, nor the MC Hammer second portion (Too Legit too Quit). If you get offended that is OK we weren't going to spend Christmas together anyways.
The grammar will be bad and if you feel the need to point that out please be prepared to make a fist with your right hand and shake it back and forth so you can visualize my response to those complaints.
The Power Rankings are composed based on performance, record, and a glance at the team rosters...........
I have given the number rank a colour based on how the team is trending: green (trending up), red (trending down, like my math marks over the years), and gray (consistent... or you simply can't become more extreme, either first or worst). THE RANK ITSELF IS NOT REFLECTIVE OF THIS.
And finally, please have fun with these as I intend to, and try to ignore the fact that I copied the beginning of Clint J. Gritt's weekly power rankings from the Triple Play Dynasty baseball league.
#1 GRAND RAPIDS GOATS (1) 3-1
Hmmm, ok. Seattle beat Dallas. Not impossible. Milwaukee beat Hamilton. Not my guess but not surprising either. Aaaaaaaand...
What the fuck happened?
Red Deer Road Rage just happened!
You got beat by RED DEER! How crappy could Grand Rapids be?
So far, I have treated the Goats better than I would treat my own son (if I had one... ladies, I'm available ). But, like my son, even the Goats deserve for me to beat them up.
Dynasty, what?
THIS IS THE KIND OF SHIT THAT LOSES YOU CHAMPIONSHIPS! THAT HAVE LOST YOU CHAMPIONSHIPS!
I'm sorry, but you are no longer the king. You're lucky to even be this high ranked. You're lucky to even be in the top three!
Trade the whole team. Stamkos, Crosby, everyone. Nothing is going to work. This team is a disaster.
On another note, way to go Red Deer! Nice win man... but I'll save that for later (although sooner than you might think).
GR Head Coach Darren Stutter was appalled at his team's performance, and was not shy to let the world know. "We just collapsed in the early stages of the game," he tells us. "We started to work our way back into the score, but time was not on our side. The guys sensed this, and I guess they just gave up in the end. Even with a certain loss, they can't do this. Tomorrow's practice will not be fun."
While it was almost a given that this game was in the bag, they could not stuff it in, and walk away no longer undefeated. I say with great caution that this team should be 4-1. Next week, they tango with Dallas. I said the past week was an easy win, and I was shocked. An upset this week is even less likely, but this team may need some soul searching.
MVP: None, because I'm well past the deadline... and I'm very lazy.
Reason for hope: With your superstar goalies wildly unperforming, you have decided to reveal your secret: YOU ARE AN AMAZING GOALIE! Seriously, you could flop your way to the championship and never give up a single goal. That is, unless your opponents snipe. Hmmm... maybe stick to your day job.
#2 MILWAUKEE BLIZZARDS (3) 3-1
For the first time since week one ended, Grand Rapids is no longer tied for first. YES! YES! YES!
Lined somewhere in the streets is Bryan Danielson (aka. Daniel Bryan) leading the celebration after a Milwaukee big upset win (note that upset is a very loose term, it was expected to be a fierce battle from the start). The Bilzz reared up and delivered a massive slap to my face for ranking them 5th heading into the season. As the final seconds wound down, Shmuel Kantor — sitting in his chair up in the press box, legs kicked up onto the desk — turned to his right. There he saw almost an identical figure in James McEnroy. McEnroy turned to Kantor. They both smiled. The buzzer sounded; they stood up, shook hands (with each other and the other Milwaukee brass in the press box), and went on their way.
If they do absolutely nothing (except update, of course), they will have absolutely no trouble finding themselves around come playoff time. The only problem is that they won't be the only ones.
Milwaukee has the power to win it all. But so do a small handful of others. The next step for McEnroy & Co. is to distance themselves from the league. That starts with a win next week. This win is 50% of the reason Kantor and McEnroy can enjoy a first place tie. The other 50%? That would be the Red Deer Blades. Guess who they face next week?
With the Goats almost guaranteed a win next week, there are two potential headlines next week: BLIZZARDS TAKE OUT THE GOAT ASSASSINS, MAINTAIN 1ST PLACE TIE; RED DEER CONTINUES THEIR TOP TEAM HIT LIST, TAKES OUT TOP TWO TEAMS IN A ROW.
Which will it be?
MVP: None, because I'm well past the deadline... and I'm very lazy.
Reason for hope: Due to a spike in business, Dairy Queen is no longer having a sale. Fear not! Projections show sales will not drop, and profit will soar!
#3 HAMILTON HUSKIES (2) 2-2
Oy vey.
There are two things to take from this past week. The first is that the Blizz mean bizz... ness. The second is that the Sharvit squad is looking mighty... er... not mighty.
GM Ron/Don/Shmon Baloney (whatever the hell his name is), reflective of Hamilton's winning woes, may have hit rock bottom. In a drunken rage, he left very distressed voice mails on owner Adam Sharvit's cellular phone, most of which consist of the former award-winning manager pleading for his job to be safe. One message sounded like this:
"It's not my faaaaaaaauuuuult! I made amazing traaaaaaades! We had our beautiful master plan! Please! I have a wife... I... I have my kiiiiiids. I neeeeeed to support my family!"
Known to be against alcohol use/abuse/FUCK IT, I QUIT JOURNALISM!, Sharvit was furious, and did the morally right thing by bashing him in an off-day conference. TFHN would provide the commentary, but nobody has the time — or the interest — for it.
Baloney and Sharvit have generally been very good friends for years, yet sources say that there have been serious strains in the relationship, dating as far back as June 16, 2014 (yes, we know the exact earliest publicly-known date). With Baloney recently struggling to fabricate trades that actually help the team, and Sharvit getting an earful of restless fans, who knows.
In terms of things that are actually relevant to the league, the Huskies will face the Seattle Blazers next week. Do not take this team lightly! Follow this rule and you should have an easy win (that, folks, is called contradiction).
MVP: None, because I'm well past the deadline... and I'm very lazy.
Reason for hope: You will live a long and illustrious life, continuing your legacy in the YGFHL (which all media outlets — TFHN included — have incorrectly referred to as FHL). I know this because I know booze will not ruin your life.
#4 RED DEER BLADES (5) 2-2
ALL BOW DOWN TO THE MIGHTY BLAKE MABCOCK!
I don't know how the hell he's done it, but the brand-spanking new bench boss has injected energy, hockey IQ, skill, strength... — literally any trait that one might need to be successful at hockey — into the squad, and they walked away this week with their first real win (no, Seattle doesn't count). The Red Deer Blades have usurped the once-mighty Grand Rapids Goats, who run off to face Dallas with their tails tucked between their legs.
Of course, none of this would be possible were it not for Mark Korodetz, who hired Mabcock and new GM Glen Kolland. You could go even further and say that if not for the protesting fans, Korodetz would not have made this move. Everyone gets a slice of the cake of success! Yes, that's apparently a thing.
As Korodetz would say, his team earned "an amount" this week. That amount happens to be just over 502 points, making Red Deer the third franchise ever to join the 500-point-week club. In a post-matchup interview, alternate captain Clarke "the Shark" MacArthur told TFHN, "We sportsed well, and the Goats weren't sportsing to the same extent. As a result, we got more points to take a hard earned win at the sportsing event."
Next week well showcase easily the best matchup you will see all year. Red Deer heads on down to snow-county to take on the Blizz, who are also on the upswing.
MVP: None, because I'm well past the deadline... and I'm very lazy.
Reason for hope: From ZERO to HERO: the Red Deer Blades are proving that they actually exist.
#5 SEATTLE BLAZERS (6) 1-3
#PLANTHEPARADE
Okay, Dallas isn't exactly a perennial favourite, but hey, a win is a win.
Both teams were on pace to achieve the lowest scoring combined matchup (excluding intentionally benching, which at one time was not against the rules), and both were on pace to smash the single team matchup lowest score, with the Diamonds leading the way 13_._-196._. (I'm too lazy, and in a rush, to fill in the blanks. If you really care, do some research yourself.)
I'll save you the drama, Dallas broke the record. However, even more interestingly, Seattle didn't even surpass the old record.
They didn't even beat their record from this season.
Longtime fan David Grohl has already etched into his arm "Seattle Blazers 2014-15 YGFHL Champions", complete with the Championship trophy and Seattle logo. @itskingsleybitch has already made a video about how dumb Grohl could possibly be, which has gone viral.
Next week should cast an interesting show. A stumbling Huskies roster against a surging Blazers roster. Both surpassed 150 points over the weekend.
MVP: None, because I'm well past the deadline... and I'm very lazy.
Reason for hope: YOU ARE OFFICIALLY A MEMBER OF THE 1+ WIN CLUB! CONGRATS! ONLY FIVE OTHER FRANCHISES HAVE ACHIEVED THIS!
#6 DALLAS DIAMONDS (4) 1-3
Easy win, huh?
CALLED IT!
Reality has smacked the Dallas Diamonds harder than... crap, can't make this NSFW. Oh well.
THEY LOST TO THE SEATTLE BLAZERS! Come to think of it, that really wasn't much of a surprise. There was a bigger surprise.
They bagged 235.2 fantasy points this week. I could probably bowl a better score. (edit: that's completely, 100% not true). This score is indeed the lowest score in league history, excluding inactive owners and intentional benching.
That makes it two weeks in a row to post a worse score than the Blazers, earning them cellar duty for the week. They will likely stay here for at least another week (they face Grand Rapids, WHO IS NO LONGER UNDEFEATED HAHAHAHAHA), especially if Seattle can pull an upset over the sliding Sharvit Squad.
MVP: None, because I'm well past the deadline... and I'm very lazy.
Reason for hope: Maybe with a bit of Brett Hull, some puck luck, and a rule twisted in their favour, Dallas may win their second Stanley Cup... or this Dallas roster may want to adopt such a strategy and win their first Championship.
The grammar will be bad and if you feel the need to point that out please be prepared to make a fist with your right hand and shake it back and forth so you can visualize my response to those complaints.
The Power Rankings are composed based on performance, record, and a glance at the team rosters...........
I have given the number rank a colour based on how the team is trending: green (trending up), red (trending down, like my math marks over the years), and gray (consistent... or you simply can't become more extreme, either first or worst). THE RANK ITSELF IS NOT REFLECTIVE OF THIS.
And finally, please have fun with these as I intend to, and try to ignore the fact that I copied the beginning of Clint J. Gritt's weekly power rankings from the Triple Play Dynasty baseball league.
Hmmm, ok. Seattle beat Dallas. Not impossible. Milwaukee beat Hamilton. Not my guess but not surprising either. Aaaaaaaand...
What the fuck happened?
Red Deer Road Rage just happened!
You got beat by RED DEER! How crappy could Grand Rapids be?
So far, I have treated the Goats better than I would treat my own son (if I had one... ladies, I'm available ). But, like my son, even the Goats deserve for me to beat them up.
Dynasty, what?
THIS IS THE KIND OF SHIT THAT LOSES YOU CHAMPIONSHIPS! THAT HAVE LOST YOU CHAMPIONSHIPS!
I'm sorry, but you are no longer the king. You're lucky to even be this high ranked. You're lucky to even be in the top three!
Trade the whole team. Stamkos, Crosby, everyone. Nothing is going to work. This team is a disaster.
On another note, way to go Red Deer! Nice win man... but I'll save that for later (although sooner than you might think).
GR Head Coach Darren Stutter was appalled at his team's performance, and was not shy to let the world know. "We just collapsed in the early stages of the game," he tells us. "We started to work our way back into the score, but time was not on our side. The guys sensed this, and I guess they just gave up in the end. Even with a certain loss, they can't do this. Tomorrow's practice will not be fun."
While it was almost a given that this game was in the bag, they could not stuff it in, and walk away no longer undefeated. I say with great caution that this team should be 4-1. Next week, they tango with Dallas. I said the past week was an easy win, and I was shocked. An upset this week is even less likely, but this team may need some soul searching.
MVP: None, because I'm well past the deadline... and I'm very lazy.
Reason for hope: With your superstar goalies wildly unperforming, you have decided to reveal your secret: YOU ARE AN AMAZING GOALIE! Seriously, you could flop your way to the championship and never give up a single goal. That is, unless your opponents snipe. Hmmm... maybe stick to your day job.
#2 MILWAUKEE BLIZZARDS (3) 3-1
For the first time since week one ended, Grand Rapids is no longer tied for first. YES! YES! YES!
Lined somewhere in the streets is Bryan Danielson (aka. Daniel Bryan) leading the celebration after a Milwaukee big upset win (note that upset is a very loose term, it was expected to be a fierce battle from the start). The Bilzz reared up and delivered a massive slap to my face for ranking them 5th heading into the season. As the final seconds wound down, Shmuel Kantor — sitting in his chair up in the press box, legs kicked up onto the desk — turned to his right. There he saw almost an identical figure in James McEnroy. McEnroy turned to Kantor. They both smiled. The buzzer sounded; they stood up, shook hands (with each other and the other Milwaukee brass in the press box), and went on their way.
If they do absolutely nothing (except update, of course), they will have absolutely no trouble finding themselves around come playoff time. The only problem is that they won't be the only ones.
Milwaukee has the power to win it all. But so do a small handful of others. The next step for McEnroy & Co. is to distance themselves from the league. That starts with a win next week. This win is 50% of the reason Kantor and McEnroy can enjoy a first place tie. The other 50%? That would be the Red Deer Blades. Guess who they face next week?
With the Goats almost guaranteed a win next week, there are two potential headlines next week: BLIZZARDS TAKE OUT THE GOAT ASSASSINS, MAINTAIN 1ST PLACE TIE; RED DEER CONTINUES THEIR TOP TEAM HIT LIST, TAKES OUT TOP TWO TEAMS IN A ROW.
Which will it be?
MVP: None, because I'm well past the deadline... and I'm very lazy.
Reason for hope: Due to a spike in business, Dairy Queen is no longer having a sale. Fear not! Projections show sales will not drop, and profit will soar!
#3 HAMILTON HUSKIES (2) 2-2
Oy vey.
There are two things to take from this past week. The first is that the Blizz mean bizz... ness. The second is that the Sharvit squad is looking mighty... er... not mighty.
GM Ron/Don/Shmon Baloney (whatever the hell his name is), reflective of Hamilton's winning woes, may have hit rock bottom. In a drunken rage, he left very distressed voice mails on owner Adam Sharvit's cellular phone, most of which consist of the former award-winning manager pleading for his job to be safe. One message sounded like this:
"It's not my faaaaaaaauuuuult! I made amazing traaaaaaades! We had our beautiful master plan! Please! I have a wife... I... I have my kiiiiiids. I neeeeeed to support my family!"
Known to be against alcohol use/abuse/FUCK IT, I QUIT JOURNALISM!, Sharvit was furious, and did the morally right thing by bashing him in an off-day conference. TFHN would provide the commentary, but nobody has the time — or the interest — for it.
Baloney and Sharvit have generally been very good friends for years, yet sources say that there have been serious strains in the relationship, dating as far back as June 16, 2014 (yes, we know the exact earliest publicly-known date). With Baloney recently struggling to fabricate trades that actually help the team, and Sharvit getting an earful of restless fans, who knows.
In terms of things that are actually relevant to the league, the Huskies will face the Seattle Blazers next week. Do not take this team lightly! Follow this rule and you should have an easy win (that, folks, is called contradiction).
MVP: None, because I'm well past the deadline... and I'm very lazy.
Reason for hope: You will live a long and illustrious life, continuing your legacy in the YGFHL (which all media outlets — TFHN included — have incorrectly referred to as FHL). I know this because I know booze will not ruin your life.
#4 RED DEER BLADES (5) 2-2
ALL BOW DOWN TO THE MIGHTY BLAKE MABCOCK!
I don't know how the hell he's done it, but the brand-spanking new bench boss has injected energy, hockey IQ, skill, strength... — literally any trait that one might need to be successful at hockey — into the squad, and they walked away this week with their first real win (no, Seattle doesn't count). The Red Deer Blades have usurped the once-mighty Grand Rapids Goats, who run off to face Dallas with their tails tucked between their legs.
Of course, none of this would be possible were it not for Mark Korodetz, who hired Mabcock and new GM Glen Kolland. You could go even further and say that if not for the protesting fans, Korodetz would not have made this move. Everyone gets a slice of the cake of success! Yes, that's apparently a thing.
As Korodetz would say, his team earned "an amount" this week. That amount happens to be just over 502 points, making Red Deer the third franchise ever to join the 500-point-week club. In a post-matchup interview, alternate captain Clarke "the Shark" MacArthur told TFHN, "We sportsed well, and the Goats weren't sportsing to the same extent. As a result, we got more points to take a hard earned win at the sportsing event."
Next week well showcase easily the best matchup you will see all year. Red Deer heads on down to snow-county to take on the Blizz, who are also on the upswing.
MVP: None, because I'm well past the deadline... and I'm very lazy.
Reason for hope: From ZERO to HERO: the Red Deer Blades are proving that they actually exist.
#5 SEATTLE BLAZERS (6) 1-3
#PLANTHEPARADE
Okay, Dallas isn't exactly a perennial favourite, but hey, a win is a win.
Both teams were on pace to achieve the lowest scoring combined matchup (excluding intentionally benching, which at one time was not against the rules), and both were on pace to smash the single team matchup lowest score, with the Diamonds leading the way 13_._-196._. (I'm too lazy, and in a rush, to fill in the blanks. If you really care, do some research yourself.)
I'll save you the drama, Dallas broke the record. However, even more interestingly, Seattle didn't even surpass the old record.
They didn't even beat their record from this season.
Longtime fan David Grohl has already etched into his arm "Seattle Blazers 2014-15 YGFHL Champions", complete with the Championship trophy and Seattle logo. @itskingsleybitch has already made a video about how dumb Grohl could possibly be, which has gone viral.
Next week should cast an interesting show. A stumbling Huskies roster against a surging Blazers roster. Both surpassed 150 points over the weekend.
MVP: None, because I'm well past the deadline... and I'm very lazy.
Reason for hope: YOU ARE OFFICIALLY A MEMBER OF THE 1+ WIN CLUB! CONGRATS! ONLY FIVE OTHER FRANCHISES HAVE ACHIEVED THIS!
#6 DALLAS DIAMONDS (4) 1-3
Easy win, huh?
CALLED IT!
Reality has smacked the Dallas Diamonds harder than... crap, can't make this NSFW. Oh well.
THEY LOST TO THE SEATTLE BLAZERS! Come to think of it, that really wasn't much of a surprise. There was a bigger surprise.
They bagged 235.2 fantasy points this week. I could probably bowl a better score. (edit: that's completely, 100% not true). This score is indeed the lowest score in league history, excluding inactive owners and intentional benching.
That makes it two weeks in a row to post a worse score than the Blazers, earning them cellar duty for the week. They will likely stay here for at least another week (they face Grand Rapids, WHO IS NO LONGER UNDEFEATED HAHAHAHAHA), especially if Seattle can pull an upset over the sliding Sharvit Squad.
MVP: None, because I'm well past the deadline... and I'm very lazy.
Reason for hope: Maybe with a bit of Brett Hull, some puck luck, and a rule twisted in their favour, Dallas may win their second Stanley Cup... or this Dallas roster may want to adopt such a strategy and win their first Championship.